Day 365- Onto The Next Chapter

Wow! 365 days sure does go by fast. I remember writing my first post like it was yesterday. And when you think about it, it sort of was. When you look at the beautiful, long life most of us are blessed with, a year is nothing. However, when you are living each day completely miserable a year can seem like forever. I know this because I've lived that way. I'm happy to say though, no longer am I living that way.

I feel like this past year I have come so far. I've both grown and changed more in these last 365 days than I did in the previous 27 years of my life. I've learned a lot about the society we live in, about my family, about my friends; but mostly I've learned about myself. The best part, I feel like there is still so much I can learn. I think we all know ourselves well to a point, but just like others we can't know everything. We are always changing.

A lot of times in life when we think we know exactly how something is going to go, our entire world can flip on us. A lot of times life throws us curve balls and we can feel betrayed. Our family can betray us, our friends can betrays us, our coworkers can betray us, our society can betrays us; and if you're like me, our bodies can betray us. But as cliche as it is, all we can do is choose how to deal with those curves.

For me, I finally decided it was time to fight back. I was no longer happy with how I was dealing with life's letdowns and betrayals so I decided to do something about it. I decided to be brave and admit that there was a problem and that it was bigger than myself. I knew I could not do it on my own so I sought help. With the love and support of many I found an outlet that I not only enjoyed but strived at. It was the combination of motivation, support, and rediscovering a love of mine that pulled me out of the dark hole I was in.

So why would I want that to end? Why would I want to cut something out of my life that has not only been so beneficial, but something I enjoy? After much thought I decided I'm not. So, if you're interested I'm going to keep this journey going. Things will change though. Instead of coming up with my own ideas I am going to be going off a yearly journal prompt. I will also have a new blog address. You can find my new blog at mynext365chapter.blogspot.com and see what I write about each day.

So how did I come cross this idea? A few months ago I found a website that has a similar idea as this blog. A women took her love of stationary and turned it into a business. As an idea she posted a blog for an entire year for those who bought her journals could follow. Each day she prompts her followers with a topic that they are suppose to take and write on. I am going to do this and see if I can learn something new about myself by answering the questions of someone other than myself.

Once again thank you to everyone who supported me and this journey. I hope you all follow me on my next chapter: 365 Days Continued: Journey As A New Me.

Day 364- A Recap Of The Last Year

I thought since this is my second to last post I would fill everyone in on what was achieved during this process. I could have never done it without the love and support of my family and friends, and even random strangers. So take a look and see the journey of this blog.

Total views: 9,318 (This was how many times people looked at my blog over the last year.)
Most viewed month: December 2013 (1,234 views in one month)
Most viewed post: Day 1- This is How It All Began (71 views)
Countries my blog was viewed in: United States (7,322 views), Canada (864 views),
Russia (580 views), Germany (159 views), South Korea (112 views), China (21 views),
Ukraine (20 views), United Kingdom (18 views), Greece (14 views), and Indonesia (12 views)
Most often used internet browser to view postings: Safari (2,914 views)
Most used system/device to view postings: Windows/PC (3,619 views)
Number of Bucket List items crossed off: 36

Looking back at this I had high hopes, but I never could have imagined this. I mean, who could have ever predicted 580 page views in Russia! The love and support is not only what has kept me going, but it has been the driving force to help make me better. Without it I think I would still be in that dark, sad, worried filled hole I was in a year ago. The amount of changes that has occurred in such a short time are astonishing. I don't take it for granted at all. I know I didn't achieve this by my own accord, but by the help of many. I am so humbled by all of it.

So for everyone who has taken the time to read even one post, shared it with someone, spoke to me in public and private about it, or simply supported me I want to say thank you. My goal at the start of this was to change not only my outlook and mind, but myself. I am proud to say that goal has been achieved. This chapter is ending, but I'm excited to start the new one.

Day 363- The Ultimate Test

It's amazing to me how life tests us. I am only 2 days away from finishing up this year long commitment, and last night I had a true test in seeing how I am handling all that I have been working on.

Yesterday I hurt my foot. I cut it up pretty badly both on the top and bottom by accident. Its pretty red and pretty swollen, and it hurts to walk on. Needless to say I have a pretty good limp going on. I made sure to clean it up real well and I have been keeping it clean with some anti-bacterial gel. I'm elevating my foot as much as possible and icing it as much as I can. Of course, I'm trying to not walk on it too much either.

Even though there wasn't any metal involved, I've had a tetanus shot in the last year so I wasn't worried about that. I'm not too worried about infection either since I'm keeping it clean, and even though it's red it's not hot. I'm keeping a very good eye on it. Even though I know all of this, that didn't stop me from waking up at 4:30 A.M. this morning and starting to panic.

I woke up and my foot was throbbing. I got up to grab a new ice pack and I could hardly walk. Instead of taking a second and realizing that my foot was most likely sore from being a little swollen and not having much movement with it through out the night, I went to that dark place. I starting thinking "What if it gets so infected I have to go in the hospital? Or what if I get an infection so bad they have to amputate my foot?" Clearly this was not rational thoughts. I was easily going into the catastrophic thinking that has been my downfall in the past.

By the time I got my ice pack and was back in bed, I felt the heat in the back of my neck and the nausea in my stomach. All the signs that my anxiety was building. I could have easily called for my parents to talk me down from this, but I decided I was going to do it on my own. I realized that if I'm ever going to move out and be on my own, I have to take care of myself sometimes.

I started going over in my head again the things I know. I've had necessary shots recently. I cleaned it very well. I am continuing to clean it. I'm keeping a close eye on it. I'm smart enough to know when enough is enough if it does get infected. And then I said a small little prayer to help me control my unrealistic thoughts, my worry, to help my foot heal properly, and without any trouble. By doing all of this, I was able to calm myself down.

Needless to say I am still a little nervous. My health and the health of my loved ones is the biggest root and cause for my anxiety. It was just a true test as I get ready to close this chapter and start a new one. And if you ask me, I may not have aced it, but I defiantly passed.

Day 362- Just Keep Growing

I've learned that even though I have made huge strides, there is always still room to grow. No one is perfect, so it means there are always things to work on. As we get older things change. Our views become different, our priorities shift, and our lives  go in directions we could have never imagined. As a result we may have ups and we may have downs. The only way to keep going is to keep growing.

I know how hard it is to make a change. It has to become a priority. Almost like a full time job. You have to be conscious of what you are doing if you want to fix something. But take it from me, it is so worth it. The sense of accomplishment and pride in knowing that the only person who can get the credit is yourself. Sure you may have help. Ultimately though it is only ourselves who can the choice to grow and change, and it is only ourselves who can put it the work.  

Day 361- The Little Things

I've learned that it really is the little things in life that can make or break us. Today was a perfect example of that. I overslept this morning, didn't get everything I wanted to get done at work today done even though I stayed almost an hour late, and my leftovers I was excited to eat from dinner last night were no longer good. But that's ok because tonight made up for all that. 

When I was out walking Tyson I came across a stray dog. With the help of a few people I was able to get the dog back to its owners. Then when I went to the gym afterwards I moved up a level on my 5k training and it wasn't that bad. I was able to do it. It was those 2 little things that ended up making this day a good day. 

So remember, the little things can make all the difference. 

Day 360- Communication

I've learned the best way for me to deal and cope with things is through communication. Whether it is talking out my feelings or writing them out, it is the best way I know how to deal with things. 

Day 359-Mama Bear

I've learned that in every single group of friends I have had I have taken on the mom role. It could be because I'm fairly responsible when it comes to myself and others. I am always making sure everyone is safe and that no one is left behind. I also am the one that seems to be the advice giver and the listener. I don't mind it. It comes pretty naturally for me. Maybe it's practice for the future. 

Day 358- Be Selfish

I've learned one of the best things you can do is be selfish. Does that mean that you shouldn't do things for others simply because you don't want to? No. Does it mean that you shouldn't think about others? No. It means that you have to be willing to make sure you have to be willing to take care of yourself, otherwise you won't be any good to anyone.

When I was going through my issues, I was the most selfish person. I was always thinking about myself. I felt like I was always talking about MYself and My problems. I was so in my head that I was never truly present when I was with others. I would break plans or not even make them because I was worried if I wouldn't enjoy them. I was the wrong kind of selfish.

Now that I am feeling like myself again I am a different kind of selfish. In fact, I'm not sure if it really is selfish. It it more that I am self-aware. I know the signs when I am having some anxiety or sadness creep in. When I notice those I do the things that I know I need to do to get back to a positive place. By taking the time to make sure I am the best version of myself I can make sure to give everyone I encounter my best.
 

Day 357- Cuddle Bug

I've learned that there is no better feeling than coming home after a long day and curling up and cuddling with your puppy. 

Day 356- Still Have Doubts

One thing I have learned is that I still have doubts, especially when it comes to religion and God. I'd be lying if I didn't say I have had moments of absolute certainty about God, and that it was the belief that someone was looking out for me and church that helped me to get through this. But like all humans I'm not perfect and I still don't have an unshakable faith. But the thing that separates me from others is that I want to and I'm going to work at it and seek out what ultimately is the truth for me. 

One thing I have learned is that I 100% believe that everything happens for a reason. I haven't learned though what I think is behind that. If everything happens for a reason, then there must be a plan for all of us. We all must have a path for a lives. So who is the one that determines that path? Is a creator? Is that path determined before we are ever born? These are the questions I still don't know what the answers for myself are. 

For me, the hardest part is when I read the Bible. The stories seem unbelievable to me. Then again, aren't they suppose to be? Wasn't Jesus larger and greater than all of us? I do believe there was somebody named Jesus alive at one point. I do believe he must have done amazing things and was an incredible man. I believe he created a following and taught people how to live a good life. A life where we are good to others and who have hope and belief in something greater than ourselves. Those facts I am sure of. 

Another thing I have learned and that I can't shake is the fact that once I started opening up to the idea and possibly of God was when things changed for me. When I started going to church, reading the Bible, listening to worship music, and being around others who are believers, things got better. To me, that is a sign that Jesus and God are real. When I started opening up to God and seeking Him was when I started to get better. I don't know where my spiritual journey will  go, but I know that I am open to it and learning more about it.

Day 355- Cross It Off

I've learned there is no better feeling than having a dream and accomplishing it. part of the reason my depression developed was because I didn't think I had things to look forward to anymore. I felt like I had anxiety, I was miserable, and that's how it was always going to be. Nothing would ever be fun again because my anxiety would always get in the way. I realized that in order to have things to look forward to I had to do it myself.

I started thinking about things that I wanted to do; things I wanted to accomplish. Some of them were little, and some of them were big. Eventually I realized that I had essentially been writing a bucket list. To be honest, I didn't think I would cross any of them off this past year. I crossed off a total of 36 items this past year. Each time the feeling was great. What is even better is as I cross something off, I seem to find something else to add. When one dream is realized, another one is created.

Bucket List Item

29.) Plant a vegetable garden.

Day 354-I Have To

I've learned that in life there are some things you have to do. You dont necessarily always want to do them, but you have to.

Day 353- Don't Know

I've learned that just like when it comes to a topic to write about tonight, sometimes you just don't know. We have no idea what will happen in the future. For a control freak like me who like to know everything, this is terrifying. A lot of my anxiety was related to not feeling like I was in control and not knowing what will happen from one day to the next.

I use to, even before I got out of bed, start to worry if the I was going to have a good day or bad day. No one can know that. I can't even tell you how many days I thought were going to go one way, but ended up going the complete opposite. Sometimes that's a good thing.

Even though I have learned that we can't know what will happen in the future, I can't tell you how I learned to accept that. I still like to have as much control as possible, but I'm not as terrified as I was. It still scares me, the future, but I think because I know I will be alright no matter what happens it is less scary.

For me, the past 2-3 years have been HELL. I wouldn't wish on anyone to go through the feelings and thoughts I felt. It is honestly the hardest thing I have been through, and I've been through a lot. If I was able to help myself to get out of it, there is nothing I won't be able to rise above. I know there will be downs and though times again at some point, but knowing I will be fine is the only thing about the future I need to know.

Day 352- Lobster Tail

I have learned this past year that I actually enjoy going to sushi. Now I still don't eat it, but I enjoy going. It is one thing that my girlfriends and I go to regularly. One thing I like most about it is that it has allowed me to try something new. The first time and many times after I was anti-fish. I would never try it. This past year I finally tried fried lobster tail and I LOVE it!! If I take this little advice for myself and be willing to try new things, who knows what I'll find!!

Day 351- Stress Vs. Anxiety

For me, I have learned that I handle stress and anxiety completely different. I know a lot of times these two emotions are put together and made to mean the same thing, but they aren't. Just because I am stressed out does not mean that I'm experiencing anxiety as well. For me, there are specific things that give me stress and completely different things that give me anxiety. 

Stress is defined as : " a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances." For me I get stress if a lot of calls come in at the same time at work, if I'm running late for an appointment, or if I don't have enough time to get something done. It is a completely different feeling both physically and mentally for me. It usually involves a lot of adrenaline  felling overwhelmed, and feeling like I can get agitated very easily.

Anxiety is defined as : "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." For me I get anxiety when I'm not feeling well and I don't know why, when a family member is sick all of a sudden, when I am overly tired, or when I think about how my life will turn out. When I'm feeling axioms I feel very on edge, like I can cry at any minute, I get heat waves, and I will have spells where I feel like my skin is crawling. It also because very hard for me to fully focus. 

One of the biggest things I have learned this year is the difference in what gives me stress versus what gives me anxiety. I have also learned what those feelings are like in my body. Since I am able to recognize it I am better able to figure out how I handle those emotions. This allow me to keep my stress to developing anxiety.

Day 350- Trash TV

I learned that my favorite type of television to watch is what most people call trash TV. I love reality television. Some of my favorites are Dancing With The Stars, The Voice, Snooki and JWoww, Gulianna and Bill, and The Challenge. Perhaps my favorite is not actually a reality show, but still is not a scripted show either; The Ellen Degeneres Show. I feel like all these shows are fun, uplifting, and show more of the positive sides of life instead of being negative like a lot of the other TV out there. If I'm going to escape and watch something to be entertained, I want it to be uplifting.

Day 349- B-E-A-C-H

In order to be happy I need to live no more than an hour away from a beach. It helps to calm me. It is my happy place.

Day 348- I Can Do Anything

I learned this past year that there is nothing I can't do if I try hard enough. For example, this morning I walked my second 5k of this past year. When I started this project, I never thought that was possible. I also didn't think I would get as many page views as I have, or had as many people open up to me like they have.

Personality wise I never thought I would be able to change as much as I have in such a short amount of time. I'm still the same as I have always been in a lot of ways, but no where near who I was last year. Last year I was an emotional wreck. I was crying at the drop of a hat, I was nervous and worried all the time, I couldn't find the positive in almost anything, and I was so unhappy. Now I still cry a lot, but that is how I've always been. A sappy movie or a deserving family getting a car, I'm weeping all over the place. I also still worry, but it does not get out of control; I know how to real it back now. I still can be rather negative, but it is so much easier for me to see the positive side as well. Sometimes the positive thought comes before the negative thought! Most importantly, I can say I'm no longer unhappy. I have realized there are so many good things in life and so many things to appreciate, that it's tough not to have at least one happy moment each day.

I can't wait to see all the things I'll accomplish this next year.

Day 347- Real Friends

This past year I truly learned who my real friends are. These are the people that I will have in my life for the rest of my life. They listened to all my wild thoughts, picked me up when I was down, and supported me along the way. They both were figuratively and literally my shoulders to cry on at different times. They never judged me or made me feel any more crazy than I was already feeling at the time. So to those, who know who you are, thank you. I can't wait to see what else happens in our lives and friendships. 

Day 346- I Just Don't Want To

This past year I learned that some nights I just don't know what to write about. Tonight is one of those nights. I have also learned that when I make a promise to myself and fully commit, I will do what I have set out to do. Even if it is nothing but the bare minimum. I still do something instead of nothing. 

Day 345- Furry Friends

One thing I have learned is that I will now always have a dog. I don't know how I lived for 25 years without one. Having Tyson the last few years has been a life saver. I truly believe that if I had not had Tyson, I would have been in much worse shape than I was. I know that one thing I MUST have in my life in order to be happy is a dog. I'm a dog lover for life. 

Day 344- Family First

The biggest lesson I have learned this past year is how important and how much I need my family. They are the biggest support system. In my biggest moments of weakness they were the ones there listening to me and picking me up. Even when I was being ridiculous and annoying, which I know I was, they were there without complaint. They were there for me when I need someone to give me advice, when I needed someone to tell me it was going to be alright, and when I needed someone to wipe my tears. They were also there with me celebrating my victories, encouraging my goals, and loving me every step of the way.

I'll never forget when I heard the theory that as we get older, family is so important because ultimately that's all we have. Family members are the ones that are always part of who we are no matter where we go. The truth is, I don't plan on going far. I think one of the main ways I will continue to be happy is by having my family close by. I don't know where I will eventually end up, but I know it will be near my family.

Day 343- Knowing My Body

One thing I have always been really good about is knowing my body. I think from all my time in the hospital as a child and having doctors ask how I am, I learned about my body pretty quickly. In fact, the morning I woke up with the horrible pain my blockage was causing I knew it was serious. I knew it was more than just a little dehydration. For whatever reason I didn't say anything. I guess I was hoping it wasn't serious. We all know though, it was. 

One thing my anxiety did was it made me loose faith in me knowing my body. It caused me to believe the lie the anxiety was telling me. I knew every time I felt nauseous or dizzy it wasn't because I had developed a tumor over night, but I swore I did. It is amazing to me that all my years of learning and understanding myself could vanish so quickly. I still can't understand how I was able to doubt myself. 

Once I was able to learn the side effects of anxiety I learned even more about my body. I'm finally starting to feel confident again. Today I went to the doctors. The last few days I have not felt great so I decided to get it checked out. I was right. I have a sinus infection. I knew I needed to go because I have had so many sinus infections in the past. I know when I have one. It was a nice to gain some confidence again in knowing when something is and isn't right. 

Day 342- Type A All The Way

I won't go into this too much since I have mentioned it multiple types before, but I am very Type A personality. I'm super organized, I have to plan everything, I love lists, I'm fairly picky, and I'm boarder line OCD. The thing is, I like this about myself. Being clean, organized, and a planner is what has helped me to do well in both school and work.

I kind of knew this about myself even before all this happened. I never realized though how important it was in helping me feel calm. When I'm able to step back and see things in order, like my room being clean or my to do list checked off at work, I feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. It helps me to stay focused and working towards something. I guess that's what Type A is all about. 

Day 341- Mawage Is Wot Bwings Us Togeder Tooday

For the longest time I was not sure if I ever wanted to get married. Growing up in a society where half of marriages fail, the idea didn't seem very promising. It's not like I had a bad example of what marriage is suppose to be. Sure, my parents have had their ups and downs like all couples, but this year they will be celebrating 36 years together. I even come from a group of lasting marriages. Out of all of my closest friends only 1 or 2 have divorced parents. All the others have had parents who have been married for years.

I think a lot of my opposition towards was actually not that. I think that is was actually my response to a fear of ending up alone. If I said I didn't want to get married, then I wouldn't be disappointed if that is the way it ended up. The thing I have realized this year is I do in fact want to get married. I want to have someone to build and share a life with. I want to have the opportunity to have a wedding all my family and friends can come to. Most importantly, I don't to be alone when I'm in my older years.

Sometimes I think that this process would have been easier if I was in a relationship. Other times I know I would have been a terrible girlfriend/wife because I was so focused on me and actually rather selfish. Now though, I think I am finally in a place that is a relationship comes along I would value and appreciate it so much more.

Day 340- Counting Sheep

I already knew this about myself, but I relearned it this past year. For me, getting enough sleep is one of the best ways I can take care of myself. When I get overly exhausted or I am tired multiple days in a row, my body just doesn't work the same. It's like it punishes me for not giving it enough time to rest.

Ever since I was little, I would end up not feeling well if I didn't get enough sleep. For the longest time in my teen years and early twenties, I would always get sick in the winter. This wasn't because this is the time of year everyone gets sick. It was because it was the busiest time of year for me. Working in retail, the end of November and all the way till mid January I would be working non-stop. Plus I would always have either papers due or finals to study for since it was the end of the semester. Then add on the social events like holiday shopping and parties. It would leave me very little time for sleep. As a result for almost 5 years in a row from December to March, I would be sick and at the doctor's office every single month for something.

More recently I have noticed that as my sleep decreases my anxiety increases. I remember both my doctor and therapist telling me that this is true for almost everyone with anxiety problems. As a way to compensate for the tiredness I would have caffeine, which also increases anxiety. This is why I try to make a point of it to not over do it. I try and set aside at least one day a week to relax and catch up on sleep if I need to. For me, sleep is the best way I can take care of myself.

Day 339- Keep The Change

Change is not something I enjoy. I know that it happens and it is part of life. I also know it is necessary for growth. That doesn't mean I like it. I like consistency, habit, and a schedule. These are all things that keep me calm, focused, and thriving.

One of the biggest things that has helped me this last year is my job. Even though each day is different from the next at work, it has helped to give me a routine. There have been times this past year that I have felt like I was in a rut because of the same routine my days have become because of work. I always get up at the same time, work the same hours, and have the same nightly routine. Even on those days I have felt in a rut, however, I still have felt better than when I didn't have so much consistency each day.

When I started therapy I was so afraid of change. I was afraid if I didn't do the same things all the time, it would cause something bad to happen. I wasn't sure what, I just feared it wouldn't be good. As time has gone on I have learned that even if change comes it doesn't mean it won't automatically be a negative change. And if it is negative that is okay because I now know I will most likely be able to handle it. Even with learning this you probably won't hear me saying "Bring on the change," but you will be hearing me say "Change doesn't scare me like it use to."

Day 338- Give Me Credit

One thing I do not do is give myself enough credit. I never have and this is something I need to work on, but it's hard for me. Maybe it is a strong sense of humility, or maybe because I have lived it I can't see what a big deal the things I've gone through are. Either way, I tend to think of the things I have gone through and "survived" as not a big deal. It was just something I had to do.

The other day I was talking to a co-worker and we were discussing surgeries. I told him in quit a bit of detail about the 13 surgeries I have had. Out of all of them, four have been major surgeries involving my heart and spine. Those are things that you need in order to live. When I was telling him about them, he told me he was amazed at how cool and calm I seemed with it all. I was kind of taken back by that because I didn't think why I would be any other way. To me, it's not that big of a deal. It was something I had to do and everything turned out fine.

I also won't forget the time I had opened up to my manager at the time about all my anxiety and depression. This was right around the time it was starting to get really, really bad. He was shocked. He told me that I seemed to be doing well and had no issues. He flat out told me I need to give myself more credit for how well I carry and handle myself.

I don't know why I can't give myself more credit for my achievements and successes. It just doesn't come natural to me. It's not that I can't recognize when I have done something well. I guess I just hold myself to a high standard. A standard that I don't recognize as being high. I know how to set realistic goals so why don't I give myself realistic praise? This can be the thing I work on this year.
    

Day 337- I Care

One of my best qualities and what I like best about myself is I care. I care about my family, my friends, and almost anyone I meet. I truly value my relationships. If I consider you apart of my family or a friend I will do anything I can to help when you need it. I care when people are happy, when they are sad, when they are seeking help, when they are lonely, when they are needing space, etc. I'm the type of person that always gives a few dollars to a homeless person-after I have given them food and water. I care about people. I care about myself.

I realize this could be a downfall of mine. Sometimes I feel like I care too much or that I am the only one making an effort to keep a relationship going. But I would rather know I cared and I tried, than just giving up. Even is it doesn't matter to the other person, it matters to me that I mindful for another.

Any time I have received a message or had someone open up to me about their own anxieties or sadness, it has meant so much to me. It has been the greatest gift I have received from this experience. It could be because I am a true believer in we should treat others how we want to be treated. I wanted to be cared for, so I make sure I care for others.

Day 336- No Shame In My Game

When it comes to things that have happened to me, I have very little shame. I guess that goes hand in hand with me being open and honest. But when it comes to my struggles and my times of weakness, I'm not embarrassed about them. They have happened. I feel like if I were to be ashamed of having issues with anxiety and depression it would mean that I have done something wrong. I did nothing wrong. Unfortunately crappy things have happened to me in my life and it just became too much to handle.

Like a lot of things in our world, we have come along way in regards to mental health. Even though anxiety and depression are not conditions that have to last forever, they are still illnesses. In the past, mental health illnesses are something that was not talked about. There was a stigma with it. It was something to be ashamed about, and not something to let people know about.

Even with the advances we have made, there is still a stigma in our society. Mental health has become an epidemic because we are still not free enough to admit to it without being judged about it. That is why there is so many shootings, deaths, and substance abuse problems. If more people were able to open up there could be a change. By not being ashamed the views about mental illness will begin to change.

Shame is a powerful feeling. It can holds us back and keep us from being the best we can be. My ability to not be ashamed of my feelings, thoughts, and set backs has been what has helped me the most. By willing to show who I am without worrying how others will take it is one aspect about myself I am most proud of.

Day 335- Lets Be Honest

Now I still haven't figured out if this is a good thing or not, but I am very honest. This isn't to say I don't question things I have done or think if things I have said are right. But I have realized that I am very open about all the things that have happened in my life whether it is good or bad. More importantly, I don't really think about it. Being open and honest is just something that is natural to me. Even though I am open and honest, I don't think I am ever cruel to myself and others.  

I remember when I first started this project. I could have very easily kept it private and done it just for me. Instead I decided to open up to everyone on my Facebook and Instagram to let them know what I was going through. After I posted about it I remember my Mom telling me how honest and brave it was for me to do it. To me, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was just something I did.

I think it is my ability to get honest with myself that has been my greatest asset in this process. Instead of lying to myself that everything was fine, I knew I couldn't do this on my own anymore. I needed help. I also knew that I needed to start taking medication. Even though it was the hardest decision I've made, I knew it was necessary. It is being honest with myself that was the first step in accepting what was going on. Once I accepted it I was able to start working on getting better.

I guess if I was to really look at it, being honest is a good thing. It is definitely something I wouldn't change about myself. It is my honesty that has allowed me to open up. It is also why others ask for my advice and trust me. It is also why I now fully trust myself.

 

Day 334- Final Month

Wow!! Today starts my final month of this year long project. To be honest, it feels both like yesterday and like a life time ago. I think it feels like just yesterday because as I have mentioned previously, life just seems to go by so quick. It doesn't feel like its been almost a year already since I started this. Then again, it feels like a lifetime ago because so much has happened and I have changed so much in the last year. I'm not the same person when I started this.

When I started this process I had the goal of changing and to overcome my issues with anxiety and depression. I wanted to work on changing myself from the inside out. I wanted to change the way I think, the way I look at things, and the way I deal with things. I also wanted to learn about myself. There has definitely been some bumps in the road, but overall I have worked hard towards accomplishing my goal.

I can honestly say I am happier and healthier than I was a year ago. I have learned a lot about myself. So this month, instead of having a special way of ending my posts or trying to come up with new and exciting subjects each night, I'm going to tell you what I have learned. I will mostly tell you what I have learned about myself, but I'm sure I will talk about things I have learned about others and the world around me. This year has been a learning experience and I will share what I have learned.

Day 333- Storm Watch 2014

It has been a very wet day in Southern California today and it is suppose to be worst tomorrow. All the new stations are covering it as a hugs story. I just know all the people in the Midwest and back East are laughing at us. They have had terrible weather, but if you watch our news stations you would think it was 10 times worse outside here than anything they have had to deal with.

 I saw a clip on Jimmy Kimmel where he was talking about this week's broadcasts. Take a look and see how Californians deal with rain.

Day 333- Love Notes

There are two quotes from the book Message in a Bottle that I just love. So I'm sharing both of them.

Day 332- Feel The Progress

For me the coolest part of this entire year is when I have been able to notice the changes. Being able to see and feel the progress is one of the best feelings in the world. This happened to me last night.

One big item for me that I wanted to work on this year is to finally RUN a 5K. I will admit I haven't been as fully dedicated as I would like to, but I am still trying. In order to get prepared I downloaded an app on my phone to help me. Now you are suppose to slowly increase the amount of time you run on a weekly basis. Like everything else when it comes to change, you have to go at a pace that is right for you.

For me, being able to increase my pace and stamina by running only 3 days each week is not something that would be realistic. I knew that even before I started so I am not being hard on myself or getting discouraged. In my reality a "week" is actually 2-3 weeks since I can run only 2 days per week. This is okay with me.

When I started 2 weeks ago, by the middle of the workout I was struggling. I felt like I could never catch my breath and I wanted to quit. I pushed through, but it was not easy. Last night, however, there was no struggle. I didn't feel like I wanted to stop in the middle. I wouldn't say it was easy, but I didn't think it was hard. So I have one more day on my "week" before I go to the next level.

I felt so proud of myself last night. Even though I set a goal of running a 5K, in the back of my mind I doubted myself. After last night though, I now know that if I keep up with it I can actually do it. That little evidence of progress is enough to make me want to keep with it. The same goes with keeping with  what I have been doing in regards to my anxiety and depression. Seeing the progress I have made this last year makes me wanting to keep pushing on. The feeling or pride and seeing progress is a feeling I won't mind having all the time.


Day 332- Love Notes

Day 331- It's Gonna Rain

Rain is coming to Southern California. If you're from here you know it's a big deal. For whatever reason when it rains people freak out. They forget how to drive and every news station is overloaded with "Storm Watch!" This year it is extremely important because we are in a drought so we desperately need a lot of rain.

For me it's a big deal because this is the first big storm since I started working at my current job. Disaster emergency, specifically water damage, is what we are known for. We have spent the last two days prepping so no matter what comes, we should be ready for it. It will be a great way to test my anxiety and stress levels if it gets busy. The nice thing is I already know that no matter which way this storm goes, I will be able to handle it.  

Day 331- Love Notes

Day 330- Zzzz Zzzzz

Last night I slept terrible. I just couldn't fall asleep. I remember the last time I looked at the clock it was 1 A.M. That wouldn't be bad, except I went to bed around 10 P.M. and I wake up at 6 A.M. for work. In order to avoid that tonight I went to the gym. For some reason I sleep so well on the nights I work out. And I think I will sleep pretty well tonight because as I am typing this, my legs feel like Jell-o. I speed walked for 20 minutes and then did 4 different legs machines. Now lets hope I can move tomorrow.


Day 33- Love Notes

Day 329- What's Wrong With These Photos??

Thought we could all use something funny today. Enjoy the video below!!

Day 329- Love Notes

Day 328- Happy Birthday E!!

Normally on my family members birthdays I write a post about them. Yesterday was my middle nieces 14th birthday. Unfortunately by the time I got home from the baby shower and birthday party I had yesterday, I was miserable because I have been sick the last few days. So today, I will devote this post to my wonderful E!!

E is the second daughter of the brother and sister-in-law. She definitely looks more like my sister-in-law's side, but is probably the only one of my three nieces that is the best mix of my brother and his wife. I don't really remember exactly how they told us about having E, but I do remember being excited. Since my oldest niece and E are fairly close in age, I was only 14 years-old when she was born. 

Now I don't want to brag, but E was probably one of the cutest kids there has ever been. She was always so happy and smiling. Her big teeth and chubby cheeks were adorable. Even at a young age, she was always so willing to help out. I know if I need help with something, I can always ask her and will get help right away with no complaints. That's just who she is. She loves to help and she really cares about people.

Another amazing quality about her is how good she is with kids. Whenever I watch her at track practice or at church, all the little kids want to play with her and ask for her. She will do amazing in life if she takes that gift and quality with her and goes with it. Unlike the rest of her family, running isn't really her thing, but she is an amazing swimmer. She also looks at things in such a different way than most, which is why she is probably so creative. She is a true lefty; the only one in the family besides me. 

Out of my nieces I think E has helped me the most. Just like her auntie, she tends to worry a lot. It has helped me not to feel so crazy and alone knowing I'm not the only one in this family who worries. She also has a really special connection with Tyson and I love watching them play. I'm really excited to see where life takes her and all the things she will accomplish in her life. I am very happy and proud to be her Auntie Jen.

Day 328- Love Notes

Day 327- Miserable

This is the worst headache I've had in awhile. And it's all in my sinuses. My throat now not only hurts, but itches as well. So, it's 8:30 on Saturday night and I'm going to bed. Hopefully a good night sleep will help me to feel better. The best thing about all this though, my health isn't great and I'm not anxious about it. Progress for sure!!

Day 327- Love Notes

Day 326- Jump, Jump!!

Tonight myself, my mom, by brother, my sister-in-law, and my nieces went to a trampoline place in out town. It is a huge area that has 3 different trampoline sections. One is just a bunch of trampolines together, one is a bunch of trampolines to play dodgeball in, and the other is a trampoline into a foam pit. We did this as an early birthday celebration for one of my nieces.

The entire time I was there the 1992 song by the group Kriss Kross called "Jump" was in my head. and of course when I think of that I think of the scene in the movie "Friends with Benefits" where Justin Timberlake sings the song. In case you haven't seen it, check it out below.

Day 326- Love Notes

Day 325- All Better

Well my headache is now a sore throat and body aches. I woke up at 3:30am with my throat burning. It's a little better now, but still doesn't feel right. To top it all off I went to the dentist today and found out I have 3 cavities I need filled. My attitude, things could be worse. And to remind myself of that, on my way home tonight I stopped off and bought myself one of my favorite meals.

Day 325- Love Notes

Day 324- Headache

When I was younger I would get headaches a lot. The reason I think was because my metabolism was  fast. It always seemed as soon as I would get hungry, I would get a headache. As I have become older I have had headaches less often. I honestly think it's because my metabolism has slowed down with age (like it does with most people). Today though, I have had a headache. I was starving by the end of work and instead of having dinner when I got home, I had a little snack and went to the gym.  Right now, my head is pounding; especially in the front of my head and behind my eyeballs.

There are a few people at my work who get headaches often. In fact, they get migraines often. I have only had 2 migraine in my entire life and they were terrible. I'm so amazed with the people at work because they function with no complaints. When I have a headache all I want to do is lay down and close my eyes. Which I plan on doing now.


Day 324- Love Notes

  

Day 323- I Hate It

I hate that my last few posts have not been things of much substance. Anytime I have written something that I can't look back on at some point and take something away from it other than that was a day I was tired, it bothers me. For me, writing as been such an outlet and a coping tool. It has helped me to get things off my chest, helped me to open up to others and myself, helped me to figure things out, and given me something to think about during the day. I think we all have things to say and contribute every day, so when I don't have much to write about I fee like I'm not using my voice.

I do know I have to give myself credit because before I started this project I told myself no matter what I will post something every day. It is now 323 days later and I have not missed one day. Some days were just posting a picture, others were simply stating "Here is my post," and that was it. But I have not missed a single day. So I guess instead of being hard on myself for not writing 323 AMAZING, EARTH SHATTERING posts,  I need to be proud of myself for never going back on the goal I set for myself. And that is the lesson from today I guess. That even when we are feeling defeated in one situation, we need to recognize the successes in that same situation as well, no matter how little.


Day 323- Love Notes

Day 322- Bad Lip Reading

Today at lunch one of my co-workers showed me these. I laughed so hard I was crying. In case you haven't smiled today, take a look at these and I guarantee you will.

Day 322- Love Notes

A Walk To Remember

Day 321- Lazy, Sunny, Sunday

This afternoon was absolutely perfect. After getting home from running errands with my mom, she decided to wash and vacuum her car. I decided to bring Tyson out front with us because it is one of his favorite things to do. I put his leash on and we went to the grass. I asked my mom if she wanted help, but she told me no and to stay on the grass with Tyson. We both rolled around, played, and laid in the grass. It was so nice to lay there, cuddled up with my puppy, and soaking up the 80 degree weather this California winter has given us. Spending time with my puppy is definitely at the top of my love list. I have said it before and I'll say it again, animals heal. This afternoon even more healing took place.


Day 321- Love Notes

Day 320- Off To The Races

Today marked two firsts for me. I went to my first horse race and I went to the restaurant Dave and Buster's for the first time.

Today a group of eleven of us went to the Santa Anita race track to watch the horse races. We found a deal online where we got box seats, a beer or wine drink, lunch, a program, and a souvenir glass all  for $30. It was a lot of fun! I ended up winning on one race for a total of $6. Now I spent $20 throughout the day so I actually lost money, but I don't care. It was fun, and the horses were beautiful to watch.

After the races seven of us decided to head across the road for dinner and games. I had always seen television commercials for Dave and Buster's and I always wanted to go, but never had. We all split a bunch of different appetizers and then we ended up playing some games. I won on a few games and got a total of 640 tickets. I got a cup, some candy, and gave the remainder to a kid.

Overall today was a good day. It's so nice to actually be able to enjoy things like this again. I love that I can go out and not be so worried the entire time. I'm not constantly wondering if something bad will happen, if I end up panicking, or if I'm simply just going to be miserable the entire time. I can just be and go with the flow.

 Before all this I definitely took that for granted. The ability to just go somewhere and have fun is a true gift. It's not until you don't have that ability that you realize how amazing it is. 

Day 320- Love Notes

The Notebook

Day 319- Happy Valentine's Day

Today is sometimes referred as National Single's Day. People will either get lumped as either single or in a couple. Well I am single. And so are two of my best friends. So them, me, and another friend whose boyfriend was getting into town late got together tonight. We put pajamas on and cooked home made pizza, chocolate covered strawberries, and chocolate covered marshmallows. They also opened a few bottles of wine. I opened a diet coke. We all gathered on the couch and put on a romantic drama called Safe Haven, which is the movie based off the Nicholas Sparks' book of the same movie. If I had to judge tonight, I would say it was perfect.


Day 319- Love Notes

Day 318- Cop Car

Today I am exhausted and don't feel that great. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a terrible headache and was very nausea. Neither has fully gone away yet. Because of that I don't feel like writing too much. Instead I thought I would share the song that has been stuck in my head all day…. Keith Urban, Cop Car. Enjoy!

Day 318- Love Notes

Day 317- Thanks Momma

Saw this floating around Facebook the other day and thought I would share. These are definitely true of my Mom.

16 Things We Forget To Thank Our Moms for
By Kate Bailey

1. All the times she had to double as best friend/counselor/therapist/costume designer/hair stylist/coach/all-around-solver-of-every-problem-ever. I remain unconvinced that moms aren’t actually superheroes in disguise.

2. Forgiving us when we forget to call.

3. Listening to all our pointless dramas when we do remember.

4. Being the kind of person that we actually do want to become — because as we all know, it’s inevitable.

5. Having the incredible prowess only a mother whose babes have been scorned could — mama bear protects her cubs, sometimes excessively, but we love it, let’s be honest.

6. All those times we yelled “MOOOOMMM!!” through the house to find out where our white shirt was or what time so-and-so was getting home and all the other questions we just couldn’t go to Dad for.

7. All the things she reluctantly bought us at the cash register of any given store, all the clothes and things we didn’t really need (but insisted we did). Growing up and understanding the value of a dollar really makes you reconsider just how much moms sacrifice.

8. For all the home cooked meals or pizzas we didn’t have to pay for ourselves. Equally phenomenal. Equally missed.

9. Putting up with our middle school phase.

10. For giving us our siblings, whom we simultaneously once wished to sell and now are best friends with.

11. And oh yeah, for that whole “giving birth to us” thing.

12. For being our first, and at some points, only cheerleaders, who were and are proud of every little thing we do.

13. All the time she spent picking us up from practices; bending over backwards to make sure we had new cleats and costumes; and were at every game, rehearsal, and play date we planned.

14. Doing her best, even when things were most difficult in the family. Moms have this incredible magic sparkle glue that keeps it all together when it would otherwise fall apart.

15. Dealing with Dad.

16. Being the boss woman of the house (and of our lives). And for being living proof that there truly are people who can honestly just do it all.

Day 317- Love Notes

Day 316- Bubba

After writing about my older brother last night I realized I haven't really talked about my younger brother too much. He and I are three years apart. Not only do we look completely different, but personality wise we are pretty different as well. I love school, he hates it. I am not a fan of being on my own, he loves it. I love country music, he hates it.

Growing up we were like a normal brother and sister. We got along, but we would have our moments of fighting. When I was about 19-years-old till about 23- years-old we were very close. We had the same friends, we liked the same music, and we hung out all the time. As we have gotten older we have grown apart a little bit. Our likes have changed, some of our views on life are different, and our friends are different. That doesn't mean I love him any less though.

One thing that my brother and I have in common is that we both have issues with anxiety and depression. The difference though is how we have handled it. We both have done what we each think is right for us, and we will most likely deal with it on and off our entire lives. It definitely has made things difficult for each of us in our own ways, but it has taught me a lot about him.

My brother has one of the biggest hearts I know, but he doesn't always show it. Those who don't know him very well probably think he is "Mr. Tough Guy," but deep down he really cares about people. He is an extremely hard worker and doesn't like to let people down. He definitely likes being independent, but I think he will end up with someone who he can take care of and who will take care of him. He is definitely a typical Gemini in that he likes to have a hand in everything whether it is sports, music, or clothing. He is extremely creative and would do well in a job that fostered that.

Like a lot of older sisters I tend to think I always know what is right for him. I often feel like I act like his second mom at times. But ever since I found out that my mom and dad were having a little brother for me, I have felt the need to take care of him. Ultimately I know he is now a "man" and doesn't need to be taken care of anymore. Like every older sister my one wish for my baby brother is for him to be happy and to know how much I love him.


Day 316- Love Notes

Nights in Rodanthe

Day 315- Happy Birthday Wes-A-Lee!!

Today is my older brother's birthday. When I think of him I think of how amazing he is. I'm so impressed with what a great dad and husband he is, how hard working he is, and how I seem to always have fun when I'm around him. Overall, I'm so thankful for him and the fact that I actually have a relationship with him.

Things could have been a lot different between us. He is technically my half brother and he didn't come to live with me until I was 1-years-old. He is also 13 years older than me, so I didn't technically grow up with him too much. He was already away at college by the time I was old enough to start remembering events from being a kid. I do remember though when he would come home from school and visit. He and my younger brother would wrestle for hours. I remember watching them and occasionally trying to join in.

After he graduated college he lived up north for awhile. I was just starting high school when he moved back down south with his wife and daughter. Eventually he moved back to where my entire family lives now. This time he came with his wife and now three daughters. It wasn't until the last few years though that I started hanging out with him and his family on a regular basis.

To me, my older brother is one of my heroes. He has worked so hard for all the things he has. He always puts the people he loves first and will do anything for them. Like a lot of other people, he has had some downs in life. He easily could have let his downs keep him down but he chose to rise above. I probably don't tell him enough, but I really do love him and I'm grateful I get to call him my big brother.


Day 315- Love Notes

    

Day 314- The Night That Changed America

Right now I am watching the Grammy special on The Beatles. The CBS television network is airing a music special on The Beatles because today marks the 50th anniversary, to the day, that The Beatles performed for the first time on American Television. Now I know the "British Invasion" started and ended way before I was born, but that doesn't mean that I have no idea who they are. 

I had heard who The Beatles were from my parents when I was growing up. I know I heard their songs on commercials, television shows, and the radio as a kid, but I didn't realize it was a Beatles song. It wasn't until 2007 when I saw the movie Across The Universe that I heard the majority of their music. The movie is basically a love story set during the 1960s and uses The Beatles' songs to tell the story. I fell in love. To this day that movie is one of my favorites; not only because it is a great movie, but because shortly after that I started downloading their music. 

It is amazing to think how much they accomplished and how much influence they have had on the world. The most amazing thing, they were only a band for 10 years before breaking up. That may seem like a long time but people like Tim McGraw, Britney Spears, Eminem, and Maroon 5 have all been around for over 10 years already. It may seem like The Beatles were around for much longer, but that is because they also were so successful in solo careers as well. 

Watching this special I can't help but wonder what it is like in their heads and through their eyes. I wonder if they truly realize the impact they had and how much influence they have had? Did they ever think that they could have that much of an impact when they started? And did they ever think that 50 years later they would still be relevant? I think the answer to all of those questions is no.

We never know the impact we will have on this world. We never know what the future holds or what is in store for us. All we can do is embrace that mystery and try our best to be our best. I don't know if I may ever have an impact like The Beatles have had in our world, but I also know that I won't. That uncertainty is pretty exciting, don't you think?

Day 314- Love Notes

The Wedding

 

Day 313- Night In

The last few days it has been cloudy, cold, and raining. I know compared to the rest of the country that doesn't sound so bad, but for California it's not fun. It started out nice this morning, but it is back to being cloudy and cool. It has become warm blanket and cuddle weather. So, tonight it will be night in.

As soon as I am done with dinner I plan on going to the nearest Redbox to rent a movie. I will then come home, turn the fire place on, get my pajamas on, and cuddle up with Tyson and a blanket to watch a movie. It's nice to go out and do things, but it is also nice to stay in sometimes.


Day 313- Love Notes

Day 312- Winter Olympics

I got home from the gym just in time tonight. I missed the opening of the Winter Olympic games, but came in right when the parade of countries began. The only problem, it makes me feel so uneducated. I haven't heard of half of these countries, let alone know where they are. I got to see my country, the United States of America, and the country all my family is from, Canada.

It was nice to see all the different outfits the countries had. The nicest thing, though, was to see how the majority of athletes look like me and you. It's sometimes easy to forget that people are people, no matter where we come from.


Day 312- Love Notes

A Walk To Remember

Day 311- Time Flies

I remember growing up time seemed to move so slowly. As a child, Christmas Eve was the longest day ever. As I got older, it always seemed to be so long before winter and summer breaks would happen. Even after high school, my college experienced seemed to move at a speed that wasn't slow, but definitely wasn't fast either. Ever since I have graduated college, however, time has just seemed to speed up.

For me, it is crazy to think that in just 16 months, I'll be 30 years-old. When the heck did that happen!?!? I have noticed though, ever since I have started working full time, time goes by even quicker. I love the fact that work seems to go by quickly. It means that I actually enjoy my job and I'm not board. But the days just seem to fly by. I wake up, get ready, put in roughly 8-9 hours at work, come home, eat dinner, walk Tyson, shower, get all my things ready for the next day, write my blog, relax and watch television for about an hour, and go to bed. That is my life Monday thru Friday. Every now and then I'll throw in dinner with friends or an event, but I feel like the day goes by so quickly, I don't have time for much else. The weekends don't seem to go by any slower. I get the majority of my chores done Saturday plus random plans, and Sunday is church, relax a little, and then get ready for another week.

I know it is not just me. It seems like almost everyone I know feels like this too. That is probably why there is the saying "life is short." Maybe life it's not short though, maybe time is too fast. Sometimes I wonder if the days were 36 hours instead of 24 hours, would it not seem like things go by so fast? Since we would have more time to do things each day, would we feel like we were doing and experiencing more each day? I know this is not possible, but I think it would be cool if time were to slow down just a little. If it did maybe then there wouldn't so many people, myself included, who feels like there just isn't enough time each day to get everything in.


Day 311- Love Notes

Day 310- Progress

Well I made a dent in some of the things that were bothering me yesterday. I went through the unopened mail on my desk, I put away the books and nail polish on my dresser, and I cleaned out my purse. My bed still hasn't been made and my laundry basket is still full. I also haven't gone through to balanced my bank ledger. But just like I did today, it's important to remember even a little progress is still progress.


Day 310- Love Notes

Day 309- Chaos

Right now I feel like my life is in complete chaos and that I need to get my life together. The reason may not be why you think. I feel this way because my room is dirty. Now I'm sure the majority of people who would walk into my room right now would disagree. But for me, who is total Type A personality and borderline OCD, it is dirty. I have unopened mail on my desk, I did not make my bed today before leaving for work, my dresser has books and nail polish on it that needs to be put away, and my dirty clothes basket in my closet is filled to the top.

Not to mention, my purse is in need to be cleaned out as well because there are papers and what I consider trash in there. Also, it's been awhile since I verified and balanced my personal bank ledger with my online statement. Instead of freaking out about all these things that I need to clean up and get done so that I not feel like my life is a mess, I'm going to ignore it. I'm going to curl up in my unmade bed and watch shows I have taped on the DVR. that's healthy, right? I'm sure I'll get to it tomorrow, but tonight I'm going to not let it get to me and relax. The truth is, by not freaking out about it and realizing that those things are not the deciding factor on if my life is a mess is healthy. In fact, my life is more in order than it was this time a year ago.


Day 309- Love Notes

Day 308- Back At It

Tonight I am going to the gym for the first time in months. I probably haven't been to the gym since I started my current job, which was back in July. I stated at the start of the year, I am determined to run a 5K this year so I knew I better start going. Right now I feel good, but I'll let you know tomorrow if I feel the same way. Who knows if and how sore I may be.


Day 308- Love Notes

From A Walk to Remember (my favorite Nicholas Sparks book and movie)

Day 307- Super Bowl

Today is America's favorite holiday- Super Bowl. My brother and his family are coming over for food and football. None of us really care who wins (we are all Saints, 49ers, and Raider fans). So we will eat some yummy food and figure out which commercial is our favorite. But we are most excited to see Bruno Mars preform at the half time show. Everyone in my family enjoys him and is excited. If his performance is anything like this we are all in for a good show.

Day 307- Love Notes

Day 306- All By Myself

I didn't mention this earlier for safety reasons, but since Wednesday my parents have been in Arizona visiting family and friends. They came back this afternoon. I definitely was nervous about them leaving. Now I know I am 28 years-old, but I don't particularly like being home at night alone. I'm fine being alone at night if I'm awake. I have a hard time sleeping. I'm such a hard sleeper, it makes me nervous. If something were ever to happen, I probably wouldn't hear it. At least if someone else is home, they would be an extra set of ears.

I actually did alright alone. Now my brother was home too, but he often works nights and doesn't get home until late. I fell asleep pretty easily though, which surprised me. Of course I fell asleep on the couch instead of my room, but still. I slept, alone at night, without much issue. This may not seem like a big deal, but it is HUGE for me. Not just because of the recent issues. This was the first time in 28 years I felt comfortable enough to go to bed with no one home.

I have never liked being alone, and even though I was okay with it the last few days I would still feel better with others home at night. Now the next time my parents go on vacation, I won't be worried about it. I know now it will be fine. I will sleep alright, and it's not too lonely. The last few days have been a big step for me, not just with my anxiety but in life.


Day 306- Love Notes

To me, one of the greatest love story writers out there today is Nicholas Sparks. Every girl has read at least one of his books and every guy has been dragged to a movie that was made from one of his books. I decided since the month of February is often known as the love month because of Valentine's Day on February 14th, I would post quotes from Nicholas Sparks books. I've heard the theory that you get back what you put out in the universe, so by putting out love I hope to get love back; Love from family, friends, co-workers, God, and anyone else who might be out there.

The Notebook