After dealing with Anxiety and Depression for almost 2 years, I've decided to commit to an entire year where every day I do something that I love in hopes of changing not only my outlook and mind, but me.
This month was a really great month; probably one of the best I've had in a really long time. I had a few down days, but they were nothing compared to my down days of the past. A lot of changes happened and a lot of fun things happened this month. I started a new job and officially became a "Big Girl" by working a 40 hour a week, Monday thru Friday job. I have been getting great reviews and feedback from my bosses which has been really encouraging. Plus, I really enjoyed my first "Big Girl" paycheck this month. I also had a good check up with my doctor this week, and I have kept up with my blog.
Some of the fun stuff has been getting to cross off quit a few musicians I wanted to see on my bucket list. I saw Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, and Eli Goulding all this month. Plus I got to see the TV reunion performance of my favorite childhood band, *Nsync.
I also got to see one of my best friends get married, and catch up with a lot of friends in that process. There was a beach trip this month, a lot of time spent with family, and a lot of dinners with my best girlfriends. I even had a few days of hanging out with my younger brother, which doesn't happen too often any more since our schedules are completely opposite. I even got to spend a few days relaxing in the pool.
If I had to pick my favorite moment from this past month though, it was taking my nieces to the Taylor Swift concert. It was a memory I created with them that I know we will all remember for the rest of our lives. Yes, seeing Taylor was great, but the best part for me was the glances I took every now and then I took at them and I saw them smiling and singing every word. It truly was a great memory.
Day 153.... Song I Love- Ed Sheeran- Kiss Me
The highlight of all the artist I saw this month was Ed Sheeran. It was absolutely amazing and I will gladly see him any time. This song is my favorite from his cd.
It's funny, whenever I'm away from the beach for awhile, all of a sudden I get a sudden urge and I have to go to the beach. That urge happened this week so I am going tomorrow.
Day 152....Song I Love- Jack's Mannequin- The Mixed Tape
I'm not sure why, but every time I go to the beach I have to listen to Jack's Mannequin.
Today I had my 3 months check up with my doctor who I get my anti-depressant prescription from. In order to ensure that everything is going correctly with it, I have to have a check in with her every few months or so. There can be a lot of nasty side effects with medicine that alters the chemicals in your brain, so you have to be careful and consistent with it.
The weird thing is I have not felt a lot of anxiety or had a feeling of being wound up in a long time. The doctor today said that just by talking to me she could see what a difference and change that has happened to be. She said it was actually kind of amazing. Ever since my appointment though, I have felt a little anxious and wound up. If I had to guess why this was it is because I'm sure in the back of my head, the part that still remembers and is comfortable being in an anxiety state, was triggered again by the visit. Being in the same office, being asked the same kind of questions, and talking about something that I still work on every day to put in my past triggered old feelings.
I definitely am not filled with as much anxiety as I use to. I'm not having the shaky feeling, heat in the back of my neck and arms, body tingles, or dizziness like I would have all day, every day in the past. I just have a little feeling of uneasiness. The thing though, I know by tonight, and certainly by tomorrow morning, I will have lost those feelings and I'll be back to feeling good.
To guarantee that I will feel better tomorrow I will make sure when I go to bed tonight I will reflect on how far I have come in just a few months, and I will make sure I say I few I am's.
Day 151....Song I Love- Avicii- Wake Me Up
I'm not really into the whole EDM music craze that is going on right now. In fact, the majority drives me crazy. There are a few songs and artists of this genre I do like though. Avicii happens to be one of them. This is his newest song and probably my favorite of his. I also like the video because it was filmed in the area I pass through in order to get to the beach.
Today is the 50th anniversary of the day the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave is legendary "I Have A Dream" speech. This has reminded me that one the last day of my last group therapy session we made what was called dream boards. On it we put things that we dreamed and hoped for in our futures. I thought I would share with you what I put on my board.
A photo of a beach that has California written underneath it: I know I have not traveled very much, but I can't see myself living anywhere but California. The weather is perfect, the scenery is beautiful, and all my family and friends are here. For my own well being, I need to stay close to them. Ultimately my dream is to own a home by the beach, specifically anywhere in Orange County. For whatever reason, every time I am driving south, when I cross over into Orange County, a feeling of calm comes over me. It doesn't matter to me if the home I own is where I live all year round or just a little getaway, my dream is just to own something there one day.
A picture of Greece: If I only get the chance to travel to one other place in my life, it better be Greece. That is at the tip top of my travel wish list. Ever since I learned about Greek mythology in 6th grade I have been obsessed with it. I could read it all day, watch tons of movies on it, and learn about non-stop. I don't know why, but it is so interesting to me. Of course I would love to see everything and do as much as I can, but my priority would be to see the Parthenon, the Acropolis, Olympia, Delphi, and so much more.
A luggage tag with the countries of Italy, England, Australia, and New York on it: If I got a few more chances to travel in my life after Greece, these are the top places on my list.
A picture of a dog with the word happy next to it: Now that I have a dog, I don't think I'll ever be able to live my life without one and be happy.
A picture of a journal and a pen: I have learned how important it is to me to write every day. It helps to keep me focused, clear my head, and ultimately keep me happy.
I have the words the greatest love- married and family: It took me awhile to realize it, but I do want to get married one day. It is also important to me to keep my family around. My dream is that these 2 things will always be in my future.
I have a notepad with the words 5 Thing I Love About You written on it: This was a reminder to me to always remember the thing I love about myself and what others love about me. I hope I will never forget that or not believe it again in my life.
I have the letters VIP on it: This was a reminder that I need to make myself most important because if I don't take care of myself first, no one else will. I won't be any benefit to anyone if I can ensure to be the best possible version of me.
I had another tag with the words Faith, Hope, Trust, Love and a cross on it: These are all things I dream to have in my life now and in my future.
I have a photo of a singer standing in a crowd at a concert: Music is such a big part of my life and something I enjoy so much. I love and have so much fun when I go to concerts. Over the last 2 years that part of me grew smaller, but since I have been feeling better it has returned. I dream about all the concerts I will one day go to.
I have a picture of people on swings at an amusement park: When i saw this picture it reminded me of Disneyland. I love everything Disney and if i ever make a decision on having kids I can't wait to share with them all the Disney movies and memories I have from growing up.
I have the saying Always filled with Laughter on it: I dream that i will have a lot of good times and laughter in my life.
I have the saying It's Not The Destination But The Journey That Matters on it: For the longest time all I dreamt about was getting rid of this anxiety. If I got what I wanted when I got it, I would have never formed tighter bonds or met all the people I met while on this journey. This saying is a reminder to me that everything that happens has a reason for it, you just have to go with it. I dream I will remember this the next time my journey gets a little bumpy.
I have the saying On The Rod Of Life There Are Many Paths on it: One big thing I have had to overcome is my desire to be in control of every thing. I didn't want to accept that my life be on a different path than I thought it should be. I hope I don't forget this.
These are all the things I put on my dream board and the meaning behind each one.
Now go out and create your own dreams.
Day 150....Song I Love- Colbie Caillat- Dream Life, Life
I love her and this is one of my favorites of hers.
On Thursday I have a check up with my doctor who is monitoring me while I am on my anti-depressant. It is important to make sure that if you do decide to take medication, that you have a doctor who will monitor you closely. It is also important you keep appointments because when anti-depressants are not being checked up on, they can ultimately be very dangerous.
I know while I am at the doctor's office, I will be asked how I am doing. I would be lying if I said that I was perfect. I still have moments, but overall I am doing great. I know that a good reason for this is the medication, but it is also because I have put in a lot of work. The biggest area I think I've made is in accepting my anxiety.
For a long time a large majority of my anxiety was I was worried I will have to deal with this the rest of my life. The truth is I will, but so does everyone else. Throughout life I'm going to go through times where I will have more anxiety or sadness, but it won't be constantly like i once thought. Once I accepted that, I was able to stop worrying so much about it.
I also learned to accept when I do feel more anxious. Instead of trying to fight it when I'm feeling it, I recognize it and accept it instead of trying to fight. When I would try to fight and do everything I could to stop it from growing, I was actually feeding it. All I was doing was focusing on it and without purposely doing so, I was making myself more anxious. I find when I realize what it happening and surrender to it, I'm able to relax more and it subsides faster.
So when the doctor asks me on Thursday how I'm doing I'll make sure I tell her about how I've learned to accept my anxiety and how it has made a HUGE difference.
Day 149....Song I Love- Missy Higgings- Where I Stood
I first heard this song years ago when it played on the television show One Tree Hill. Ever since I first heard it I have loved it. There is a good chance you have heard it because it has been used in numerous other shows and movies. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to it, but I love it each time.
Before I even start this post, I want to say that for some, they might not agree with my point of view or want to fully red this post. That's fine. For me, it is something I feel very strongly about and since it has been the topic of conversation and debate the last few years, I wanted to share my view. I am very open to hearing others thoughts and views. This year has been about me opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings on my struggles with anxiety and depression, so I thought why not do the same on other topics as well.
On Saturday I told you that I went to a wedding for some of my closest friends. I'm happy that slowly our country has been allowing everyone to marry, even people who identify as gay or lesbian. Growing up I was always pretty liberal in my social views. I have had many gay friends, all who I love very dearly. It has always been something very baffling to me that they don't have the same rights as myself and my straight friends.
I know there is a lot of debate on whether you are born gay or if it is a choice; if it natural or unnatural. I feel like if you believe it is a choice, it will be very hard to believe differently. I know this because I 100% believe you are born gay and I know how difficult it would be to change my opinion. When I first realized that this is what I believed, it was because I rationalized it this way. When we first start going through changes as young boys and girls, it is also around this time we start noticing feelings that develop. Nowadays this happens sooner than ever before, but for the most part it can be anywhere from 10-15 years-old. So let me ask, when you were 10 years-old or even 15 years-old, did you fully understand the feelings you were having or had any concept of what it meant to be gay? I know I didn't. So how can someone say that gay is a choice. We feel those feelings for whatever sex might arouse those feelings, before we know what they are. It is already in our brains, our genes; it is what we were born with.
I know another side to the gay marriage debate is a religious one. People say that it is against religion and against God to take part in homosexual activity. Yes, there are some verses that point to this, but the entire message of the Bible is that in order to be let into the eternal kingdom and to live with God is simple: We have to simply love God and love others as Jesus would. Jesus didn't love the rich, the powerful, and the well off. He loved those who were poor, sick, and considered outcasts from the rest of the world. He loved the ones who loved and believed in Him. The other lesson the Bible teaches is the ultimately it is God's opinion we have to fear. It is Him who has the final word. By not loving others as Jesus would and judging others definitely like God would, we are not only going against His wishes of loving others, but we are going against God himself by acting like Him.
Another argument against gay marriage it that the purpose for marriage is to have children. For me, this is the part I have the hardest time with. Marriage is not strictly for having children. If this was your argument than you would also be against many straight marriages as well. There are older people, who are well past child bearing age, who marry for companionship. Should they not be allowed to marry? There are still arranged marriages today who marry for financial and social reasons. Are they not allowed to still do this? There are couples who simply don't want to have children. Should they not marry either? There are also couples who have problems conceiving. Take me for example, because I was born with some health issues that make 99% impossible for me to carry a child, should I not be allowed to marry even though I'm straight? The purpose of marriage is not strictly children. Marriage is for love, companionship, and building a life with someone.
I also think that we wouldn't be disallowing people born with a handicap to not marry. even though they are different than the majority, people would be fighting so hard to make sure they had the same rights as everyone else. With some of my health issues, that I was born with, I will permanently be different than everyone else. The bottom line is I wouldn't want anyone to treat me differently simply because I was different than the majority.
Day 148....Song I Love- Macklemore & Ryan Lewis- Same Love
Yesterday one of my best friends got married. It was absolutely beautiful and perfect. Not only was I excited for them, but this is my first friend to get married. All other weddings I have gone to have been for family. I was exited to share that experience with two people I've know for almost 10 years.
Throughout this process and journey of mine one thing I've realized is that I do want to one day fall in love and get married. For a long time, I wasn't sure if that was something I wanted. I've realized how important it is to me to have a support system around me, and even though I have become much better at being alone, I am much happier with people around me. Now I'm still undecided about if I want children, but I've learned that marriage and love is something I want in my future.
Day 147....Song I Love- Jason Mraz- I Won't give Up
When I get married, this song would definitely be a contender for the first dance song.
Last night I went to the Taylor Swift concert with my 3 nieces. It was incredible. She puts on such an amazing show. The best part though, was looking over every now and then at my nieces and seeing them dance, sing, and smile. It was great to experience their first concert with them.
By going to the concert I got to cross off 2 more things on my bucket list. Her opening act was Ed Sheeran. He was AMAZING!! He is probably the most amazing musician I've ever seen live. She also had Ellie Goulding as a special performer. She was amazing as well.
Overall, it was an amazing night!!
33.) Ed Sheeran, Ellie Goulding
Day 146....Song I Love- Ellie Goulding- Anything Can Happen
For Christmas last year I bought all three of my nieces (and myself) tickets to go see the Taylor Swift concert. They absolutely love her, as do I. I have actually been lucky enough to see her in concert before, but this is my nieces first time. In fact, for two of my nieces this is their first concert ever. We decided to all make matching t-shirts, get matching necklaces, and matching glow bracelets.
Now even though I have seen her before, I put her on my bucket list because I almost wasn't able to see her two years ago. I had just come out of the hospital then. Since I've been looking forward to this since I bought my nieces and I tickets 8 months ago, I was determined to cross it off this year.
Lately, the commercial for the movie for the band One Direction has been on television non-stop. Every time the commercial is on the band's song called Best Song Ever is playing. For the last two days this song has been playing in my head ALL DAY. The thing is, I only know the first line of the chorus. That one line has been in my head constantly.
So, I thought I would bring all the rest of you into my torture. Here is the song that's been stuck in my head for the last two days!
Day 143....Song I Love- One Direction- Best Song Ever
Today is my Dad's birthday. The best thing that has come out of this entire situation is that I have become so much closer to him.
Growing up my dad and I butted heads a lot because we are so similar. The last two years though, I finally learned and saw how much he really loves me. I never doubted it, but these last few years have been the first time in my life I really appreciated it. I finally opened my eyes to everything he did for our entire family when I was growing up.
I really love, appreciate, and respect my dad more than I ever have before...that's the greatest gift of all.
Day 146....Song I Love- Righteous Brothers- You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'
Today I wasn't feeling too inspired. I didn't know what I wanted to write about. So I went to my trusty search engine Google and I typed in 365 journal prompts. I ended up going to this blog here. I went to writing idea 231 since today is the 231st day of the here. Here was my question:
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
I woke up at about 5:40AM today. I didn't sleep very well last night. It was pretty windy last night so I kept hearing the top of our deck gazebo, which is right by my bedroom window, bang all night. I also drank a lot of water right before bed, so I got twice to use the restroom. Plus I had a bad dream last night involving zombies and me fighting for survival. I was up probably every other hour last night.
Normally I wake up at 6:15AM every day for work, and Tyson sleeps until then. So when I heard him crying at 5:40AM, my first thought was, "Are you serious!?! Already?" I told him no and to go back to bed a few times, but he kept crying. This is not normal for him. In fact, the last time he did this was when he was sick. So I got up and went to let him outside. I followed him because I wanted to make sure he wasn't sick. Thankfully, he wasn't, but he definitely need to use the rest room. After that we went back to bed and I just laid there until my alarm finally went off.
So today, my first thoughts when I woke up were, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? ALREADY"
Day 141....Song I Love- Ashlee Simpson- Undiscovered
Keeping with the 231st day of the year theme I went to my iTunes music library. I clicked on the songs tab which organized songs in alphabetical order by artist and scrolled down to the 231st song. This was it.
NOTE: This post may get a little graphic, but if I didn't give all the details it wouldn't be as real.
Today marks the 2 year anniversary when my entire life changed. It actually began though two days before on August 16, 2011. The night before I had gone to a late movie with a couple of friends and didn't get home until about 1AM. I had to be at work the next morning at 9AM, so when I woke up at 5AM with horrible stomach pains my first thought was that I would end up working all day tired. I thought it was just normal stomach pains I've had before. I would put a heating pad on my stomach and an hour or so later I would feel better. When that didn't happen I called my boss and said I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't make it into work. I thought maybe I just needed to clean my system so I had my brother drive me to the nearest CVS to buy some stuff to help with that. It didn't. By that afternoon the pains in my stomach were so bad and I was dry heaving every 30 minutes or so. I called my mom at work and asked her to come home so she could take me to the doctors. I knew, deep inside, something was really wrong. I didn't want to say anything though because in 2 days my parents were getting ready to go on vacation for three days.
When we finally got to the doctors they immediately tested my white blood cell count to make sure I didn't have appendicitis. When that came back negative they diagnosed me with diverticulitis, an infection in my intestines. I was given some anti-biotics and told to take it easy. The next morning I was feeling a little better, but not well enough to go out and to work. When my mom got home from work that night I still wasn't doing great so we went back to the doctors. They noticed I was extremely dehydrated and in a lot of pain so they gave me an IV filled with fluids and some pain medicine. They also took an X-ray of my intestines. They said there could be a blockage there, so that if I wasn't better the next day I should probably go to the hospital.
The next morning my mom went to work. She wasn't even gone 30 minutes when I started to throw up black fluid. I called her, she turned around, and we went to the hospital. We were lucky enough to know someone at the hospital, so everything was ready for us in the ER as soon as we got there. After all the initial paperwork, I was taken off to get a CT scan of my entire abdomen. It was then that we found out what the problem was.
Since I have had so many surgeries, including my abdomen area, I have developed scar tissue in there. At some point over the weekend I must have become dehydrated. When my stomach cramped, which it often does when you are dehydrated, the scar tissue in my stomach got twisted around my small intestines. Everything I had been putting in my body for the last few days had no where to go. It was just stuck. I had a blockage in my small intestines. (Note: This was all theory. No one was 100% sure this is what happened. That unknowing was what caused the majority of my anxiety. I felt like I never got an answer. Without that answer, I was never given certainty that it wouldn't happen again.)
When I heard this I figured they would go ahead and pump my stomach for a few hours and I would be home by that night. I learned that I would have to get what is called an NG tube that goes in my nose, down my throat, and into my stomach. They told me that before they could do anything else they would have to let my stomach slowly empty and that this would take a few days. I was going to be in the hospital for about 5-7 days. I was devastated.
Once we were finally put in my room my mom and I made our phone calls. We had to tell my dad, my brothers, my work, and a few friends of mine who had been checking in on me, what was going on. My parents also had to call and cancel their hotel because they were no longer going on their trip. I will say that first day I was lucky though. My nurse was about the same age as me so she actually hung out in my room a lot and we talked. I had a few friends visit that night and my mom spent the night. I also has a few doctors come in who explained the process to me. They would slowly pump my stomach for a few days, then they would try and flush the remainder of the blockage out with fluid and monitor it's movement every hour for about 8 hours. If it cleared up, they would spend a few days feeding me fluids and things like Jell-O to make sure it didn't block up again. If it didn't, however, I would need surgery to unblock it.
The first few days were okay. I was in a lot of pain so I was getting pain medicine every 4 hours. One of my doctors actually told me that the pain from having a blockage is about the same as child birth. It wasn't until the third day that I had my worst day. My stomach had been pumped enough that they were ready to try and flush the rest of it out with fluid. The process for this was that the would flush the fluid with a syringe through the tube that was still in my nose. For the next hour they would take an X-Ray every 15 minutes to make sure the fluid was traveling through my intestines. After that, they would take an X-Ray every couple of hours for the next 8 hours.
The woman who was suppose to flush the fluid through did not hook it up correctly, so I got covered in fluid. The second time she did it correctly, but at this point I was dripping wet. Since I would be there for awhile she told me they would get my mom to keep me company. She told me to lay down while I waited for my mom. As I laid there on the X-Ray table in the freezing X-ray room I was literally dripping wet. I felt so degraded, embarrassed, and unimportant. I was just left wet, in a cold room, and all alone. I remember thinking "Why Me?" Just then I remember feeling like I was going to throw up. My mom got there just in time to help me up and get me a bucket. Over the next hour my pain medicine started to wear off and I was in pain. But the hour actually wasn't an hour. We didn't have a clock in the room, but my mom and I could tell that we were were forgotten about. My mom finally walked toward the open door and down the hall to grab someone. We ended up being in that room for two hours before being brought back to our room.
The good news was, the fluid was moving. As long as the blockage didn't occur again when they began giving me something besides IV fluid, I wouldn't need surgery. Six days after my last real meal I was given Jell-O, chicken broth, and sorbet. It was very hard to eat but a welcome change. Two days later I was able to go home. The thing was when I left, I wasn't given any instruction. I wasn't told when to increase the type of foods to eat, how to follow up doctor wise, or why this happened. It is those specific reasons that I was so afraid to eat. For weeks after, every time I ate I was afraid if what I was eating would get stuck. I became obsessed with how much water I was drinking, and overall living in a constant state of fear. It wasn't until I finally went to a doctor a few months later who specialized in gastrointestinal medicine that I was given some kind of piece of mind. I was able to eat without fear, but the anxiety was still there.
It's amazing to me that all this happened 2 years ago this week. It seems both so recent and so long ago. It seems recent because I still know so many details, but so far because so much has happened since then. I have a completely different life now than what I probably would have if this never happened. It really is amazing how what can seem so little becomes so significant and life changing.
Day 140....Song I Love-Snow Patrol- Set The Fire To the Third Bar
While in the hospital my mom brought me our portable DVD player and a few movies. We ended up watching the movie The Notebook. This song is not from that movie, but it is from the movie Dear John, which is another movie made from the author Nicholas Sparks, who also wrote The Notebook.
One of my favorite songs in the past year has to be the song Home by Philip Philips. For most people they probably heard this song a lot last summer during the summer Olympics because the woman's gymnastic team chose it as their theme song. I loved it the first time I heard him perform it on the American Idol show finale. Then, last year when my church was having a 2 month long series on families, they would play it after every service. Even though I've probably heard it 100 times, I still love it and get excited when I hear it.
To me, the song is a great reminder that it doesn't matter who you are, that you are never alone. Each of us will always have a place to call home whether it's with a biological family, a created family, with friends, a workplace, a support group, or a church. There is always a place that we can call home.
Today a co-worker of mine asked me what my favorite memory from childhood was. I couldn't think of one. I know I had a lot of fun times as a child, but those memories are not as strong as the not so fun memories. I have a lot of memories of going to doctor's appointments and surgeries. It literally took me all day to think of my favorite memory, but once I did a lot of happy memories started popping up. I finally have narrowed it down to two though. One involves my brothers and I, the other involves my entire family.
When my older brother would come home from college, within 10 minutes of being home he and my younger brother would start wrestling. They would do this for at least an hour none stop. Every now and then they would let me join in. It would be me and my younger brother versus my older brother. I would help out by jumping on my older brother's back as a way to distract him. The thing was, even if I wasn't wrestling, I loved to just watch them. The entire family would watch them. It seemed so simple and normal, brothers wrestling, but it brought everyone together.
My other favorite memory from childhood was every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. On Christmas Eve my younger brother and I would always both sleep in my room. Right before bed time we would get our cookies and milk ready, and the my mom would read to us 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. My brother and I would agree that we would take turns staying up because we would wanted to hear Santa. Of course, we never could. The next morning my mom would turn on Christmas music, and then we would all gather around the tree to open gifts. My mom would pass out gifts to my brothers and I followed by my parents opening gifts. Again, it was so simple but it's one of my favorites. To this day, watching old home movies of Christmas mornings are my favorite to watch.
Even though it took me awhile, these are two of my favorite memories from childhood.
Day 138....Song I Love- The Maine- Ho Ho Hopefully
After all my years of working in retail and hearing Christmas music every day, all day, from the day after Thanksgiving till New Year's Eve, I can't stand traditional Christmas songs. I would much rather listen to original written ones. This one happens to be one of my favorites.
I am so exhausted that I'm counting down the minutes until 5pm tomorrow. It has been such a long week at work, I can't wait to get a little break over the weekend.
Day 137....Song I Love- Phil Wickham- At Your Name
This is my favorite worship song. I was actually lucky enough to see him perform this when he played a show at my church. It was incredible and it was actually the first time during a show I ever got chills watching someone perform live.
I listen to the radio a lot in my car while driving. This means I often hear the same songs every day. Today though I heard the same song every time I got in my car. I heard it four times in one day. Naturally, it is now stuck in my head. I guess it it a good thing I like it!
Day 136....Song I Love- Jason Derulo- The Other Side
I actually got to see Jason Derulo a few years ago at the KIIS FM Wango Tango concert in Los Angeles. He is an amazing dancer and very entertaining to watch. I've been a fan of his ever since.
Growing up one of my favorite movies was The Wizard of Oz. Unlike most children, I wasn't afraid of the wicked witch or flying monkeys. I wanted to watch the movie all the time. Now that I'm older, I look at the movie a little differently.
In the beginning of the film, everything is black and white, but eventually the film turns to color. It was when the film is in color that Dorothy learned more about who she was. She was strong, brave, and stood up for what she knew was right. She stood by her friends and did everything she could to help others. Dorothy learned what was important to her, her family. In a lot of ways, she became the woman she was suppose to be. When the film finally went back to black and white, she was a completely different person.
On of the most famous things from The Wizard of Oz is the song Dorothy sings called Over the Rainbow. A Hawaiian singer covered the song in 1993 and mixed it with another popular song called What A Wonderful World. This song has become one of my favorites because it's so peaceful and calming. I love it.
Day 135....Song I Love- Isreal "IZ" Kamakawiwo 'ole'- Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World
I've mentioned before the I am a huge music lover. I slowly lost interest while going through this process because a lot of songs would make me sad. I would hear songs that would remind me of times when I was happier, which in turn would make me sad. Some songs would even make me start to think about subjects I wanted to avoid. As I've faced a lot of these issues and have become happier with the place I'm at in my life now, my love for music has returned.
Growing up I always liked music, but I didn't start to LOVE it until I was a sophomore in high school. My younger brother had bought a CD by a band called New Found Glory. They were a pop-punk style band and were completely different from anything I had listened to before. For some reason though, when I heard their song Hot or Miss, I loved it. I loved them so much and I was so into them, I started looking into other bands similar to them. From there, I started listening to more pop-punk, emo, and scream genre styles of music. That type of music became really popular when I was 19 years-old, so I started going to a lot of concerts. I remember one year for my college spring break, I went to 3 concerts in one week. I eventually was lucky enough to intern at a record label New Found Glory had once been on.
New Found Glory and the song Hit or Miss are my favorites to this day. Even though I tend to listen to more country and pop music now, that song and that band will always be important to me. They began my love for music.
Day 134....Song I Love- New Found Glory- Hit or Miss
I realized that I've given you a lot of information on what has happened in my life the last few years. I've also given you a little insight into the health issues I had as a child, as well as look at some of my friends and family. I haven't though, told you too much on the history of me.
I was born in southern California in June of 1985. I've lived in the same town, which is about 30 minutes north of Hollywood, since I was 3 years old. I have an older brother, younger brother, and parents who just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary. I also have a sister-in-law and 3 nieces who I absolutely adore. Of course, you also know I have a 3 1/2 year-old dog named Tyson who is like a child to me. I was the first one from my mom's side of the family to be born in the United States, and I'm of English, Swedish, and French Canadian decent.
I grew up being fairly active, when I wasn't in the hospital, and played soccer from the ages of 6 years-old to 15 years-old. I also took an entire year of dance in junior high school and I loved it. I was pretty smart all throughout high school and college. I actually enjoyed school and was lucky enough that I did really well without too much effort. I first went to a junior college after to high school before transferring to a university. I thought for a really long time I wanted to be a nurse, but that changed. While at the junior college I took a creative writing class as an English elective. It was here that I realized how much I enjoyed writing. I then decided to choose journalism as my major the following year when I transferred. While in college some of my favorite classes were actually my elective classes including: Greek mythology, marriage and family relations, and juvenile criminology.
Growing up I worked mostly in retail. Up until the last few years, I actually really enjoyed it. Naturally the majority of my closet is filled with clothes from places I've worked. Like most women, I love shopping and fashion and have more clothes than just on closet can hold. Other things I enjoy are reading, music, movies, going to the beach, and hanging out with family and friends.
I guess you would say for the most part I'm just like everybody.
Day 133....Song I Love- Taylor Swift- Sparks Fly
She's been my favorite for the last few years. I actually got to go to this tour in the video. It took place a few weeks after my most recent hospital stay, the one that started this entire process, and I was so afraid I would miss the concert. This song is actually one of my favorites of hers.
Once again I get to cross off an item on my bucket List! Today though, I get to cross off 2 items in one day! I'm going to a concert and 2 artists I put on my list are playing at the same concert.
33.) Luke Bryan AND Florida Georgia Line
Day 132....Song I Love- Luke Bryan- Country Girl (Shake It For Me) AND
Florida Georgia Line- Cruise
These are the songs that made these 2 artists popular.
Today I got my first paycheck from my new job. It's a great feeling knowing that I made more in 1 week at my new job than 2 weeks at my old job. I celebrated by buying myself a few new clothes tonight because every now and then it's not only necessary but healthy to treat ourselves when we do well.
Day 131.... Song I Love- *Nsync- Just Got Paid
Growing up I was a huge *Nsync fan. I had a poster of both the entire band and Justin Timberlake, who was my favorite member and who I still LOVE to this very day, on my wall. I even had a Justin Timberlake doll. I would record on a blank VHS tape every show they were one. I remember when their Bye, Bye, Bye video came out I probably watched it over 100 times in a matter of days. My first concert ever was their No String Attached tour. I eventually ended up taping a special on HBO had when they showed that tour on television and watched it more times than I could count. I'm still waiting for *Nsync to reunite like all the other 90's boy bands and have a reunion tour. Until then I'll just keep on supporting my favorite member, Justin.
Tonight my brother's best friend is coming over. For the last 2 months he has been in England interning for a marketing company. It's going to not only be so nice to see him, but it will be nice to hear all the things he did. England is one of the places on my bucket list I want to go see. It will be great to hear what it was like and give me ideas for when I finally go there.
One reason I want to go to England is because I really like the Beatles. I want to take the whole Abbey Road photo, and see the places they were. I also want to go and see all the places that Harry Potter was filmed since I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. The English country side is a must see for me, and of course, Buckingham palace.
Until I can finally make it there, I'll have to settle for living vicariously through my brother's best friend tonight.
Don't have too much time to write today. As soon as I eat something I'm taking Tyson for a walk and then I'm going to help my mom out for a few hours. But, I have committed to posting every day so I am. Enjoy the song below and I'll hopefully have more time to write tomorrow.
Day 129.... Song I Love- Luke Bryan- Crash My Party
Can't wait to see this guy on Saturday and can't wait to hear him play this new song from his new CD! I've been playing it a lot lately to make sure I know the words.
Tonight I decided to go for a run. If I'm being honest, I haven't been sticking to my training program very we'll yet again. I'm sure I could give a bunch of excuses as to why that is, but the truth is I've just slowly pushed it down my priority list. In hopes of getting some motivation back I just went for a simple run. I didn't use my training app on my phone, I just ran.
From my house to the end of the main street to get to my house is about a mile. When I first started running I would see how long I could run towards the end of the street and then have someone pick me up to bring me home. The reason I would have someone pick me up is because the street is downhill, and I'm just not ready physically to run the fairly steep hill back up to my house. When I started I could get only about half way down before I would have to start walking. I still can't get all the way down, but tonight I ran farther than I ever have.
I wanted to start walking at the place I normally do, but I told myself just a little farther, and I did! As I was running I remembered something I heard on some fitness show. We will tell ourselves that we can't keep going, but in reality our bodies actually can. A lot of marathon runners will tell you that while running the 26.2 miles they have to run to finish the run, there is a point where they hit a "wall." At this point they feel like they can't possibly go anymore, but if they push through it, it becomes easier again. All they have to do is pass that "wall." I knew tonight that even though I wanted to stop, my body was capable going just a little farther.
This idea is the same with any hard situation you may be going through. If you keep pushing, even when you think you can't, go on you will eventually break through that wall and everything will be easier. For me, there were a few times that I thought I couldn't keep living the way I was. I couldn't keep being sick with worry every day because my anxiety was so bad. I couldn't keep wanting to cry every second because I was so unhappy with the way my life was. I knew I had to do something, anything, to get some kind of control back.
It was around this time that I finally decided to see a therapist and get some help. It was also this same kind of thinking that helped me decide to take medicine. I knew I couldn't break through the wall out of nowhere, I would have to train and become strong. The therapy sessions and assignments my therapist gave me where like my workouts, and my medicine was like the supplements I needed to help built the muscle. With the combination of working out and supplements, I became strong enough. I was able to knock down that wall.
And let me tell you, once you break through the wall, it might not be perfect on the other side, but it is one of the most beautiful things you'll ever experience.
Day 128.... Song I Love- All Time Low- Weightless
I have actually had the pleasure of meeting and hanging out with these guys a few times. They are honestly some of the nicest guys I have ever met. This song is one of my favorites of theirs for one specific line in the song. When they sing, "Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's going to be my year," it reminds me that everything will be okay and to stay positive. Just because you have a bad day doesn't mean you have a bad life. Everyone has bad days, the magnificent thing is that the following day can be 100% better.
When I first started this project I had the idea that every weekend I would be checking things off my Bucket List and having a year that was full of adventure. I thought I would be facing fears, doing things out of my comfort zone, and having tons of fun all the time. But every day life has taken over. Things like work, paying bills, and the every day responsibilities have taken over. In a way, I'm feeling sort of restless.
Now I know some of things on my list are not possible right now, like adopting a child. There are things though, like get a massage, that can be done. So I think what I need to do is make it a priority to do something. This weekend I will get to cross off a few things because I'm going to a concert where I will see a couple artists I've wanted to for awhile. Since I now have the weekends off, in the beginning of the week I should pick something off my list and plan ahead for the weekend.
That way, the feeling of accomplishment will hopefully take over and maybe I'll find new things I want to add.
Day 127.... Song I Love- Mark Ballas- Hotwire
This guy is best known for being one of the professional dancers on Dancing With The Stars. He ended up recording a CD and this was off it. I can't say why I like, maybe because it's really catchy, but I've listened to it more times than I can count.
Today I had to go get gas because I didn't want to have worry about running late in the morning to work. I decided to take Tyson with me because like most dogs, he loves going for a ride in the car. While I was driving I looked in my side mirror and saw Tyson. His head was out the window, his lips were flapping in the wind, and he had what appeared to be a smile on his face. He looked so happy and full of life. It was a friendly reminder that it's the little things in life that make everything else worth while.
Day 126.... Song I Love- Hunter Hayes- I Want Crazy
Woke up this morning with this song in my head. Been singing it all day.
Today was my first Saturday off in months. The best part though, this is how it will be for a very long time!!
I definitely took advantage of it. I slept in, ran errands and did some shopping with my brother, laid in the pool, had dinner with the family, took Tyson for a walk, and ran errands with my mom and aunt after dinner. It wasn't a relaxing day, but it was exactly what I wanted to do.
Day 125.... Song I Love- The Summer Set- Lightening In A Bottle
While I've been going through this process I've listened to this band a lot. Every song of theirs is so upbeat and positive. They are constantly singing about being yourself and living in the moment. This song is off their most recent CD Legendary, which is a reference to one of my favorite shows How I Met Your Mother. I've really liked this band for awhile simply because it's hard to be in a bad mood when listening to them.
It's a new month which means I'm going to start ending all my posts with something new. For me, one of my biggest loves in life is music. When my anxiety and depression were at its worst though, music was pushed aside. I wasn't going to concerts, I wasn't listening to music unless I was at work or driving in the car, and I wasn't buying any new music.
Now that I'm feeling better, my love for music has returned. So every day this month I will post a song that I really enjoy and love. Maybe I'll tell you why or maybe I'll just let you enjoy. Either way, here is to a month of music!
Day 123- Song I Love.... Gavin DeGraw- Not Over You
Saw him last summer in concert....one of the best performers I've ever seen. He is so charismatic and exciting to watch. Plus his song I Don't Wanna Be was the theme song to my favorite show growing up, One Tree Hill.
This is not that song, but this is one of my favorites of his.
