Day 61- "Be Nice to Myself" Day

A year ago today my family and I were on a plane heading to Canada for my Aunt's wedding. Man how time flies ! (Yes, that was a pun).

But unlike last year today is my only day off until next Saturday. So, I thought I would spend the day pampering myself for my birthday next week.

After taking Tyson to the vet this morning for his yearly checkup and shots (the vet said he is very healthy, so I am one happy Momma), I am spending the rest of my day treating and gifting me!

Currently I'm at the hair salon getting my hair colored and cut. Even though where I go to get this done is far, I love coming because my old co-worker does my hair. We worked together about 8 years ago and still keep in contact. In fact, when we worked together she was going to cosmotology school. It's amazing and so enjoyable to not only catch up, but that we still are friends.

After my hair I'm planning on doing a little shopping at one of my favorite malls, and then I haven't decided between getting my nails or my eyebrows done (maybe I'll do both)!

Even though I'm doing this to celebrate my birthday and gift myself, I think it's important to have more days like this. It will be called "Be nice to myself" day. We all need a day where we not only treat ourselves to a little TLC, but we give ourselves a day where we accept and love ourselves. Not only should we say nice things to ourselves on this day, but we should forgive and accept ourselves for where we are right at this moment.

Forget about what happened yesterday or a year ago, stop worrying about what could happen tomorrow. Look where you are at right now and love it; but more importantly love you.

So, for me today this is where I am at: I am the happiest I have been in awhile; I have friends, family, and a dog who love me; I am determined to get better every day; simply put I AM AWESOME!!!

Day 61- Thing I Love to Do........ Talk to my Auntie Lysa.

Day 60- Did You Guess It??

So did anyone guess where the title of my last post came from?

Here is the title once again: Nants ingonyama bagithi baba.

Any idea? It's from THE LION KING!!!!!

I guess I thought to name yesterday's post after that because I think when most people hear the phrase "The Circle of Life" they think of nature. So, tree being taken down=nature=circle of life. That's how my brain works. :)

It's also on my bucket list to own all my favorite Disney movies on DVD, The Lion King being on of them. So, enjoy this little video below.

Day 60- Thing I Love to Do.......Watch tv.

Day 59- Nants ingonyama bagithi baba

Like most people my age who live in my town, I've lived here almost my entire life. My parents moved to Santa Clarita when I was 3 years old and I have lived in the same house for the last 25 years. Like myself, it has seen some changes over the years and evolved. When I was younger I use to always think, "Man, I can't wait to get out of this town. I'm not living in Santa Clarita my entire life." I have found that this was what a majority of the kids living here think. Over the last few years though, I've realized it's not that bad. I still would like to live somewhere else for awhile, but I've realized it's not that bad in Santa Clarita. I'm super close with my family and my parents have already told me that they are never moving, so I know I will always be close, if not in, this city all my life. I'm ok with that. For me, Santa Clarita, CA is home.

One thing that really makes it home for me is the front yard. It wasn't until the last few years have I really come to appreciate it. When my Grandpa from my Dad's side would come to visit from Oregon he would always love to just sit out front in the chairs on the patio and just watch. I never really knew what he was looking for, but I would sit out there with him for hours. We would talk, joke around, and sometimes just sit there and watch together. When I think about my Grandpa (which I still do every day) I think about how much he loved it out there.

After he passed away I really didn't sit out there too much until we got Tyson. For whatever reason he loves it out there too. Just like my Grandpa, he loves to just to sit there and watch. Last year when I was unemployed for about 7 months after being laid off, I would sit out there with Tyson for hours and look for and apply for jobs. It was during this time that I had a few months of peace from the intense anxiety I had been feeling with for 6 months before. Today for the first time in almost a year I sat out there with Tyson again. I don't know who enjoyed it more.

Part of the reason I decided to go out there is because our huge tree we have out there is going to be torn down in the next few days. It will definitely be sad because it's been there since we moved in. No longer will we be able to sit under its shade. We may also loose all the birds who have constantly made nests in it year after year. Unfortunately, the tree is in danger or breaking a water pipe that supplies the entire street, so it has to go. My parents will be planting a couple new tress in replace of the one being taken down. I know it may seem silly that I'm sad to see a tree go, but for me that tree is apart of my home.

Today, however, when I was sitting out there I thought it can't be coincidence that the tree is being taken down now. My birthday is in 6 days and I will be 28 years-old. It will be a new year in my life and a new beginning in a way. I'm in a much better place than I was in my last birthday and I'm actually excited to celebrate (like most girls I will be having a birthWEEK and not a birthday). So just when I am changing and evolving again, so is my house- this time it's that part of the house that holds a lot of great memories. Once the new trees are in I'm excited to make new memories in my home since I feel like a new me is starting to form.

P.S. Can anyone guess where the title of this post is from? It relates and has meaning to this post!!

Day 59- Thing I Love to Do......Sit in the front yard with Tyson

Day 58- What's the Plan?

On Sunday we had family over to bar-b-que and play some games. While everyone was over I started talking to my sister-in-law and I mentioned to her that I only have 2 more sessions with my therapy group. My sister-in-law then asked me what was the plan then after it was all done. The truth is, I'm not sure.

I definitely will have to talk to my therapist and come up with a plan. I know I feel like I don't have to keep going in to see her once a week or once every other week. I feel like I may need to just go in when something big happens. I will keep up with my blog for sure, keep going to any regular doctor appointments, restart exercising regularly, and continue to surround myself with positive things and people. I will keep being mindful, remember my breathing techniques, and work through and embrace the change.

So for now, that's my plan. It makes me nervous for this change, but that could mean that great things are coming.

Day 58- Thing I Love to Do........Eat potato chips.

Day 57- Thank You

Today is Memorial Day, a day when we thank all the men and women who have not only fought for our country, but died as well. There have been countless men and women in my hometown who have served. Some have returned home and others have not. One in particular who did not that I know of I went to elementary all the way through high school with. The ones I'm most thankful to, however, are my grandpa and my dad. My grandpa, who passed away 4 years ago, was a medic in World War II; and my dad was a jet engine mechanic in Vietnam.

Without the men and women who have fought for our country I definitely would not be able to have this blog and write about the things I have already written and will write in the future. Without it I wouldn't be able to be helping myself or the others I may be helping. And for that I am thankful.

So to all the soldiers and their families who have sacrificed and risked their lives, THANK YOU!

Day 57- Think I Love to Do........Watch House Hunters.

Day 56- Words of Kindness

On Friday I went through my entire room and spring cleaned it. I dusted everything, went through my desk drawers and threw away old papers, and I went through my closet and dresser and made a bag of clothes I don't wear anymore to give to my nieces. While I was cleaning through things, I found 2 things I had kept (and I'm still keeping) that were simple words of kindness expressed by wonderful people in my life.

This was a letter my current manager wrote for me. It was probably just a month or two after I had started working there. It basically told me to keep up the hard work and that he really appreciates all I do. It also had $10 in it. I was not expecting it at all. I've had managers tell me thank you before, but this was the first time someone had taken the time to write something out and give me a gift. I keep this letter in my desk drawer and read it from time to time (mostly when I've had a rough day/week at work) and it reminds me to keep on working hard, you never know who will take notice.  

This picture is of a folding board I have from my previous job. Before working where I work now I was an assistant manager at the clothing store Pac Sun. I worked there for a little over 3 1/2 years and I absolutely loved it. I got along so well with all my co-workers. We often would all hangout outside of work as well and some of my best friends I still have I made working there. Last January, however, our store was picked to close down. I was devastated. As kind of a last hooray, we had a get together with everyone and we ended up each taking a t-shirt folding board and signing it (sorta like a school yearbook). This t-shirt board I will probably keep the rest of my life. The things written on it are so uplifting and kind. Whenever I'm feeling down I can read it and feel good. 

So just remember, you never know how important a kind word can mean to someone.

Day 56- Thing I Love to Do......Hangout with Family.

Day 55- Pug Life Pt. 2

The BEAUTIFUL dogs I've had the pleasure to be watching the last few days. I love them and I'm trying hard not to steal one! :)
Day 55- Thing I Love to Do......Play with animals.

Day 54- Girls Night

Tonight I'm going out with my 2 best girlfriends for dinner and dessert in one of my favorite cities. Great way to start tho holiday weekend!!

Day 54- Thing I Love to Do........Go to Pasadena

Day 53..... Tis' the Season (For Sinus Infections)

Whelp, it finally happened. My first sinus infection of the year. Normally I get a sinus infection every month or so from December to June because I have terrible allergies, but I was able to hold out until now. The doctor said I was just starting to get an infection, so in hopes that it wouldn't get any worse he gave me antibiotics (Side note: When did antibiotic pills get so big? I swear mine are on steroids). I've been pretty miserable since about Monday night so I'm hoping to feel better starting this weekend. Thankfully I have tomorrow off work so I can rest a little. I'm actually pretty surprised that I haven't been sick more often. I have read/heard so many times that people with a lot of stress and anxiety tend to get sick more because their immune systems don't work as well.

Knock on wood that this is the only sinus infections (or any other illness) for awhile.

Day 53- Thing I Love to Do........Watch Television.

Day 52- Pug Life

Anyone who knows me knows that it has been a dream of mine since I was little to one day own a pug. I love them and think they are so cute. Those big eyes, squashed faces, and snorting......I love it. This week I am lucky enough to watch my old boss' 3 pugs while he and his family are on vacation. I know some people don't like pugs (I can't figure out why), but maybe  these videos will change your mind.

Day 52- Thing I Love to Do..... Watch cute animal videos on Youtube

Day 51- All About Me......Again.

Last night at the group therapy I go to we had to create a pie chart that used words, both good and bad, that make up who we are. I had more good words than bad words, but I noticed a pattern with my bad words. The words I used were: Label myself, worried, negative, and can't let go.

I find that lately I have labeled myself. I say and think a lot that "I have anxiety" or "I have depression." By doing this I wonder if I'm creating a self-fufilling prophecy? By saying that I have these things I am continuing to have them. I have learned and tried to teach that what we say to ourselves has more power most of the time than what others tell us. So why do I keep doing it? By continuing to think and label that I have these, I won't move on. Now don't get me wrong, I know I need to acknowledge there is a problem in order to try and fix it, but at some point I have to change the label I give to myself and say "I  have calmness" and "I have happiness."

I also describe myself as worried. I worry all the time. My common worries are if I will have to deal with this all my life, the safety of my family members (specifically my mom), and the safety of my dog. By worrying about these things I'm living in the future. I am missing things in this moment. Sometimes I feel like if I stop worrying about those things just long enough and just be, then exactly what I worry about will come true. By allowing this worry to take up all the space in my head, and ultimately all of me, there is no way that calmness and happiness can move in. I have to begin to put into practice that I will not waste my time worrying, because if I do I will miss out on all the great things now.

I also think that I am negative. Most of my life and especially recently I tend to see the bad situation before the positive. I have noticed though progress in this area. I use to not only see the bad, I use to automatically go to the catastrophic. Now, even though I still can be negative, it takes longer if at all to get to that catastrophic level. I'm not sure though how I have gotten here. Maybe it's just learning over time that the bad outcome I envision doesn't come true? Maybe searching for the good things in each day has made me become more positive?  Maybe its been subconscious  that my brain is just tired of being negative? Whatever it is, I have to give myself in this area for my progress.

Finally, I have a hard time letting things go. Because I still hold onto the small bowel obstruction and it being the starting point for all this anxiety and ultimately sadness, I can't move on. By not saying to myself that I am letting these things go and making it be part of my past and not who I am now, it is still there.

After looking at all these bad words I use I noticed the common theme between all of them: control and fear. By labeling myself, worrying, being negative, and not letting go I am in control of all these actions. It is not being in control of everything that is the root of the problems, it's fear. I'm not necessarily afraid of the emotions that will arise. I'm afraid about taking steps back from the progress I have made. I do think I have better coping skills than I use to, but I don't know if I'm 100% there yet. So I think, "Will I be able to handle it"? But I think are we ever 100% ready when our life takes a down? I don't think we are, but I just have to look at where I have been and realize that I wasn't ready when all this began, but I have figured it out. So, why have fear? I don't know the answer to this questions yet, but for right now I have to accept that.

Day 51- Thing I Love to Do........Play with animals

Day 50- I Am Me.

Today I was given a poem that I thought I would share with everyone. It's about loving who we are and accepting all of ourselves; the good, the bad, and everything in between. It's going to be the type of poem that different days different parts will stand out and will connect more. So, here it is. I hope you like it.

I Am Me.

By Virginia Satir

In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.

There are persons who have some parts like me,

but no one adds up exactly like me.

Therefore, everything that comes out of me

is authentically mine because I alone choose it.

I own everything about me

my body including everything it does;

my mind including all its thoughts and ideas;

my eyes including the images all they behold; 

my feelings whatever they may be...

anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement

my mouth and all the words that come out it

polite, sweet or rough,

correct or incorrect;

my voice loud or soft.

And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

I own all my triumphs and successes,

all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.

By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.

I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interest.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,

and other aspects that I do not know.

But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,

I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles

and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think

and feel at a given moment in time is me.

This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.

When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I

thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.

I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting.

And invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,

and to make sense and order out of the world of people

and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am ok. 

Day 50- Thing I Love to Do.........Watching the Ellen show.

Day 49- A Day in the Life

Today I thought I would show you what my day was like. I wish it could have been more of an exciting day, but then it wouldn't be real. So I took a picture every 3 hours today so I could show everyone exactly what I was doing today.

9:30am: I woke up kinda late today. I haven't been feeling too great the last few days. I've had a sore throat and been really tired the last 3 days, so I thought I would sleep in a little today and hope that would help.

12:30pm: I went shopping with my mom and aunt this afternoon. We went to Costco, Kohl's, Big Lots, and TJ Maxx. I bought a pair of shorts, 2 dresses, and a book. When 12:30pm rolled around we were in Costco, in line, waiting to check out.

3:30pm: Shopping really drained me so I was resting on the couch watching a Sex & the City marathon. 

6:30pm: I was eating dinner with my parents. We had a taco salad and it was delicious. 

9:30pm: Once again I'm sitting down to relax (that's what you're suppose to do when you're not feeling well, right?).  Billboard Awards 2013 is what is on and I am so excited to see my girl Taylor Swift!

Other highlights of my day included taking Tyson for a walk, reading my book, added more quotes to Blog Day 48, and talking to an old friend- who reminded me I never posted a picture of what I made my mom for Mother's Day. So, I posted it below. 

A flower pot for the new outdoor table she bought

Day 49- Thing I Love to Do.......Talk to Andrea.

Day 48- Quote Me

A big help for me has always been hearing the right thing at the right time. Whenever I'm anxious or sad, I can have my mood turned right around depending on what I hear or see. So i thought I would share some quotes that really bring me comfort. Some are from random books, some are from the Bible, and some I don't even know when or where I heard them, but I remember them. Either way I hope them bring some comfort to you as well.

Also, feel free to share any other uplifting quotes or saying that bring comfort to you.

"Life will bring you pain all by itself. Your responsibility is to create joy." - Milton Erickson, M.D.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity....Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

"The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Mental sunshine will cause the flowers of peace, happiness, and property to grow up in the face of the Earth. Be a creator f mental sunshine."

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

"You must realize that fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts you create. Now do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice." - Will Smith, After Earth

"Just because you accept help from someone, doesn't mean you have failed. It just means you're not in it alone. " - Josh Duhamel, Life As We Know It

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." - The Emperor, Mulan

"Even the happiest of people have down days."

"Appreciate the many things that make your life so valuable."

"We are sometimes taken into troubled waters not to drown, but to be cleansed."

"Visualize better days ahead."

"Be the solution."

"Sometimes things that hurt, teach."

"No person experiences an emotion that has not already been felt by someone else."

"Don't be afraid to ask for help."

"For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love." - Lamentations 3:31-32

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own troubles. Today's troubles is enough for today." - Matthew 6:34

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." - 1 Peter 5: 7

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." - Matthew 7: 7-8

"In his kindness God called you to sure in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." - 1 Peter 5:10

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessings if we don't give up." - Galatians 6:9

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." - Proverbs 31:25

"...When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." - James 1:2-4 



Day 48- Thing I Love to Do........Hug my parents.

Day 47- Have You Read This Book?

One of the items on my Bucket List is to read every book I have on my book shelf. Currently I have 31 books on my shelf and I have read all but 7 of them. Now I want to point out that I have read more than 31 books in my life, I just happen to own 31. My mom, sister-in-law, and friends often share books.
It's funny because I love reading, but I really only truly enjoy reading during the summer. I love reading either on the beach, on a float in the pool, or outside on a hot summer night. So, I won't be re-reading all those books, and I probably won't be able to read all 7 books this Summer either, but I will start.

My book shelf

Day 47- Thing I Love to Do........ Hang out with my nieces.

Day 46- Fear is a Choice

Today when I was watching TV I saw a commercial for the new Will Smith movie called After Earth. I really don't have any desire to see it because it's not my type of movie, but something I heard from it really stood out to me. After looking it up on Google I found out that the quote is actually pretty popular. I think that it not only can be something that people suffering from anxiety can draw from, but I think it also can relate to a lot of what we are currently going through as a society and the world.

"You must realize that fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts you create. Now do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice."

When I heard him say this, it was like a light went off in my head. All the things that I worry about, that I fear, are my own doing. And a lot of the things I fear, like getting sick or always having to deal with anxiety, are not necessarily dangerous in themselves. Because I have created a fear of these things, I have made them seem dangerous. As soon as I let go of the fear, the danger that I have created associated with them will leave as well.

Now I know that putting this realization into practice is easier said than done. Over the last few years I have sort of rewired my brain to seek out danger and create a fear, but hearing this quote and realizing it is the first step in rewiring it back. It is the 1% for the day I have done to work towards my 100% change.

I think tomorrow I am going to print out this quote and place it in a visible place in my room to remind myself every day that fear is a choice, and I can choose to not be afraid.

Day 46- Thing I Love to Do......... Watch House Hunters.

The Trailer for After Earth with the quote in it.

Day 45- A Few Rough Days

The last few days have not been the best. It's weird because my anxiety has been heightened, but it's not as bad as it use to be. So even though the last few days have been a little tough, they are not as tough as they use to be.

Part of the reason it has been tough is because the last 2 days I've woken up feeling anxious. I know the reason behind it is because I've had a few bad dreams the last 2 nights. One involving my mom playing with a black widow (I have an extremely huge fear of black widows- not spiders, just black widows), and then I had another dream where it was wildly busy at work and I was trying to figure out who stole stuff. I know these don't seem like bad dreams, but they got my adrenaline going enough that it bothered me.

I feel like I have become better at controlling my anxiety if it happens during the day, but I haven't be able yet to figure it out when I wake up with it. It seems like when I wake up with it it ruins my entire day and lasts most of the day if not all day. As a result I loose sleep, which makes me tired, which keeps the anxiety going.

It doesn't help that a lot is going on with the 2 things I worry about and love the most, my mom and my dog Tyson. My mom has a doctor's appointment this Friday. It's nothing special, but after her lymph node/cancer scare almost 2 years ago, all her doctors appointments make me nervous. Then last night Tyson cut his lip and we aren't too sure how. We decided to give it a day to see if it would heal on its own or need to get it looked at and we decided tomorrow morning to take him to the vet. I'm just hoping it won't need stitches.

So you see, its been a bit stressful the last few days for me. I know once the vet and my mom's appointment is done I will probably sleep better and the anxiety will subside. In the meantime I will keep taking moments for some slow breathing, some positive thinking, lots of praying, and being mindful of what is the root of the worry. And even though I've done these things off my love list a few times already, I think tonight they are very fitting.

Day 45- Thing I Love to Do.......Watch tv with my mom & cuddle time with Tyson.

Day 44- 140 Characters Pt. 2

Through life's ups and downs, and with the love and support of family and friends, I have learned that my greatest attribute is my strength.

This is what I want my 140 characters to say about my life. It took me a little to not only come up with this, but also to get it to 140. I'll break each part down to explain why I chose it.

Through life's up and downs..........
It's no surprise that through out our life time we will all experience ups and downs. It's inevitable. I sure have had mine, especially in the last few years. Even though these last few months I have been on an upward path, at some point it will go down again. That knowledge and reality that one day I will be experiencing a down again has brought some fear. The fear of not being in control 100% of my life has been the root of the majority of my anxiety. I have to remember though, the cliche saying that "We can't control what happens, we can just control how we react." But there is something I learned recently and I'm working on every day to remember and deeply believe. I wrote out my truth to remind me that life will have ups and downs, but I will be ok. It goes like this: When life throws me something unexpected, and it will because it always does, I will be just fine. I will figure out exactly what I need when I need it. I will not waste my energy worrying about something that is non-existent. I won't waste my time.

And with the love and support of family and friends,......
I think I have written enough posts so far talking about my family and friends. I can't emphasis enough that we all need to have some form of support system. Even when we aren't experiencing life's downs, we need others there to share in life's ups. I can't even imagine where I would be without my family and friends. 

I have learned that my greatest attribute is my strength.........
I often heard through out all my health issues that I handled everything so well and that I was so strong. I always just took think with a grain of salt. Sometimes when we are in a situation we don't always see how others on the outside perceive it. I never thought I was strong, I just did what I had to. I still have trouble giving myself credit for my strength, but in the last year I have started to believe it more and more. It took just over 26 years before all the health stuff I went through finally was felt and dealt with. I know it took tremendous strength to admit that I need help and sought out therapy, and it took tremendous strength to share my struggles with the world. I still have to work on 100% believing that, but if I I know that I want that to be one thing said about me, how strong I am, then it will be true.

So I ask you again, if you had to sum up your life in 140 characters, what would it say?

Day 44- Thing I Love to Do........Getting a good night sleep.

Day 43- 140 Characters Pt.1

The next 4 weeks at church their series is called 140- How Will Your Life Be Summed Up? The idea is that will all the new forms of social networks out there, most people have to get out what they want to say in 140 charters or less. So, if we were only given 140 characters to sum up our lives, what would we say. Well, this is what I would want to say.

Through life's ups and downs, and with the love and support of family and friends, I have learned that my greatest attribute is my strength.

Now trying to come up with this was not easy. My first go at it was 168 characters. After about 10 minutes and about 4 or 5 different saying this is what I've come up with. But before I go into detail about why I finally settled on this as how I want to sum up my life I ask you:

What will your 140 characters say?

Day 43- Thing I Love to Do.......Sit in the sun.

Day 42- P.S. I Love You

Since today is Mother's Day I thought I would tell you about my mom. A lot of people often exaggerate when they say, "My mom is the best mom in the world," but when I say it there is no exaggeration. It's true. My mom is the best mom in the world. Here is why.

When my mom was a kid people would ask her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She would always reply with, "A mom and a wife." My parents got married young and they enjoyed a few years just as a married couple. When they finally started to try and have kids it wasn't as easy as they thought. But after a couple years they were finally pregnant. But a few months later everything changed.

My mom had gone in for a regular ultra sound check up. She says she remembered when the ultra sound nurse told her to wait, she had to go get the doctor. My mom, who was alone because my dad was at work, knew almost immediately that something was wrong. It was at this appointment that she was told that I was going to be born with most of my stomach organs on the outside. The doctors told her that they would do everything they could to save me, but that no baby had been born with anything like this at the hospital, and that my parents shouldn't get their hopes up about bringing a baby home. My mom says she distinctly remembers going home that night and closing my bedroom door that day. She told me once that she couldn't imagine walking past my finished nursery every day not knowing if there would ever be a baby in it.

When I was born my mom had to have a c-section. Since I was the first baby born at the hospital like this, they had all the medical students up top watching. Most women you ask will say child birth isn't as glamours as some make it out to be, but it is still an amazing experience. Imagine it if you can though, your first pregnancy, a bunch of bright lights on you, a huge audience watching, and you still aren't sure if your child will live. There is nothing exciting about that.

After I was born I was almost immediately taken off to surgery. My mom wasn't allowed to see me because she was getting stitched up, but she did hear the doctors tell my dad as he was signing the papers to allow surgery that "We will try and save her, but her arm will probably fall off." Obviously I did live and my arm didn't fall off because I'm writing this right now with both hands. After surgery my parents were not able to touch me until the next day, and it was almost 3 weeks before they could hold me plus another 2 weeks after that before I could go home. Talk about a tough month, especially for a  woman who had only ever wanted to be a mom.

Since then I haven't made it easy for my parents. I have had 12 other surgeries since, including 2 open heart surgeries (one of which I actually died during), as well as a few other hospital stays. Through all of those times my mom has never left my side. She was always there before surgery, when I woke up, and stayed every night I was in the hospital right by my bed side. In between those times when I was healthy she took me to every doctors appointment, took me to every soccer practice, and was at every school event.

Even now with all my recent issues she has been right there. She might not always understand what it's like to have anxiety, but she listens and offers me advice. She will even stay with me until I fall sleep from time to time when it's really bad, just like when I was little. I haven't always been the best kid. I have had moments where I have been selfish, mean, and ungrateful. I think every kid has though as they grow up. Through it all though my mom has never stopped loving me.

That's the thing that is the best about my mom. She is the most selfless person I know. She would do anything and be anything for her family. If I can even be half as caring and selfless as she is I would be ok with that. A lot of my anxieties have been worrying about how I will survive without my mom, but if I keep her close, enjoy every moment with her, and share my memories with others, she will live on forever through me. And that's almost as amazing as her.

So to all the moms out there, and to my mom especially, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

P.S. I love you, mom.

Day 42- Thing I Love to Do........Run errands with my mom.

Day 41- Great Expectations

How many times have things exceeded our expectations? How many times have they fallen short? For me, a lot of my anxiety was because of my unrealistic expectations. I always took a tiny little thing and turned it into a catastrophic expectation. I always would see the glass half empty instead of half full. For example, right after my blockage in my stomach, every time I had a sore stomach I would think it was another blockage, but this time I would need surgery to fix it instead.

Even though I have slowly started to get better at seeing things half full, I still have work to do. This past Friday our District Manager came to our store. It was the first time in the 9 months I have worked there that she has ever come to our store. She was mostly there to do interviews for a new store opening, but we all thought she would walk our store after. I opened that morning so I knew I would see her; needless to say I was worried. I was EXPECTING it to be bad. Our numbers at our store haven't been that great and since I am one of the supervisors I was EXPECTING her to really let me know how terrible we (and ultimately I) was doing running the store. So, we spent 3 days prior making sure everything was in order and the store was spotless. The reality, she spent a total of 10 minutes after the interviews looking around the store and told me how well I individually I had been doing. My EXPECTATIONS of how the visit would go were far worse than how it went in REALITY.

So how could I have approached this situation differently? I first could have looked around at our store and pointed out to others (and to myself) that our store is very clean and in order. We often get complemented from a corporate worker who visits our store often that our store in one of the cleanest she has ever seen. I could have also remembered how many things we call "Super Sales" (these are transactions of over $300 at one time) that I have done recently. I also should have given myself more credit. I have a lot of experience in my position and know 99.9999999% of the things I should know in that position. If I had looked at all these things maybe my EXPECTATIONS would have matched my REALITY.

The thing to remember is that people with anxiety and depression have a very hard time with positive expectations; they have a problem with anything positive. For a long time if someone asked me to describe myself and my qualities they would be negative, or if they were positive I would have to always add on a "But that's not important" or "But that's only sometimes."

I know it's hard, but one of the easiest things we can do to start being more positive is looking for things that are good. If we can make ourselves find one good thing each day, about ourselves or about the things around us, then it will become easier in finding the good and EXPECTING good. Your brain will actually learn how to do this.

Here are a few things I found so far today that have been good:
1.) My dad, mom and I were able to put together an outdoor gazebo with little arguing (During projects we all tend to think our way is the best way).
2.) It was sunny.
3.) There were white puffy clouds scattered in the sky (Ever since I was little I have loved clouds).
4.) I got to see and play with my favorite kind of dog- 3 pugs.
5.) I am going to the movies with my family.

All these are good, positive things, and I EXPECT you you to find at least one positive thing about your day today as well. Don't let me EXPECTATIONS be wrong and not match REALITY.

Day 41- Thing I Love to Do........Play with animals.

Day 40- 43 Days and Counting!

Just registered to complete another item on my Bucket List! It's kinda 2 for 1. A color run and a 5K with some of my best girl friends on June 22, 2013!! Look out......Ryan Gosling's Groupies 16 are coming!!! :)

Day 40- Thing I Love to Do....... Going to Dinner with Friends

Day 39- Art Project Pt. 1

After  a nice long walk this morning with Tyson, I decided to work on my art project I'm making my mom for Mother's Day. I will have to finish it up tomorrow because I have work the rest of the day, but I put a distorted picture below to give you a little taste.

Any guesses on what it is?

Day 39- Thing I Love to Do.......  Doing something creative.

Day 38- Creative Mind

One thing I have learned in this process so far is that a huge outlet for me is being creative. Even in the beginning, in my own private notebook, I would write/journal. I use to only write when I felt the need to get something out or get my mind off of something for awhile. In the last few years I also would sometimes write a fiction story, again to get my mind off things. I only got a few pages into it, but I would love to see about trying to complete that story and write more often. Now with this blog, I am getting to write every day and it has re-sparked my love for it. I studied journalism in college mostly because I didn't mind writing; it came easy to me. Now, though, I'm really realizing I have a love for it. It also doesn't hurt that I have had validation in more than one person who have told me that after reading this blog that writing is a strength of mine and my niche. :) The next step I want to look into is looking for writing jobs, whether it's freelance or an actual position (or just a hobby). I'm realizing more and more it is necessary for me to keep some sanity.

Another aspect that has helped me to learn that in need a creative outlet has been the group therapy. Each week not only do we talk about things, we must complete an art project. This goes with the idea of using both sides of the brain to work through a situation. The left side of the brain is mostly known for using language, logic, and analytical thinking, while the right side of the brain is mostly known for using expressive and creative tasks. It is in using these 2 sides together that you can end up learning the most. For me, and I can't really explain why, but when doing these projects it calms me down so much. I can focus all my energy into one area and work things out. There hasn't been one project yet that how I thought I would do the task it ended up that way.

As a way to continue with this new found coping tool, I went to the craft store after work today. Now I can't tell you just yet what I decided to do because it is a Mother's Day gift and I know my mom reads my blog every day (Hi Mom!), but I will post a picture of it after Sunday. It's my hope that after I finish the group therapy I will continue with this new outlet and be able to do an art project once a month.

Now, I haven't asked anyone lately to go out and try something themselves, but I will now. Go grab a piece of blank paper. Now go grab a pen, pencil, marker, paint, etc. Take a few moments, maybe put on some music, and just let something flow. You may just be surprised what comes out.

Day 38- Thing I Love to Do....... Texting friends.

Day 37- Sweet Tooth

I've never had much of a sweet tooth. I would much rather eat a bag of chips than a candy bar. Sometimes though,after a long day at work, a bowl of ice cream is just what I need.

Day 37- Thing I Love to Do...... Eat ice cream

Day 36- 0.2475% Progress

Did you know if we want to change in a timeline of a year that we only need to change less than 1% every day before we change 100%? One way I have noticed change this past year is with my dog, Tyson (yes, I'm writing about Tyson again but it's important).

Ever since Tyson was a puppy he has had a mole on the back of his leg. We have brought it to the vets attention and he has not seemed too concerned about it. It hasn't grown too much, it doesn't hurt him, and he doesn't play with it. We could have it removed, but Tyson is also allergic to stitches. When we got him neutered was when we found out this allergy after a terrible time he had after the surgery.

Tonight we had an issue with Tyson and this mole. Some how he hit it and cut it. It was bleeding a lot. We had to clean it up with a wet washcloth and Bactine, and then we placed a plastic cone on his head that we kept from his neuter surgery. Needless to say, it was on ordeal.

In the past, this type of situation would send my anxiety through the roof. I would be so worried about it not being able to stop bleeding and him getting an infection. There were a few times when he was a puppy that he would get sick because he can have a sensitive stomach. I would almost have a panic attack every time. I would feel helpless because he couldn't tell me what he needed and there wasn't much I could do than just watch him.

Tonight I was fully aware that there was a change. I definitely was still stressed while trying to clean his cut because I could tell he was panicked, but I didn't go into a panic like I would have in the past. I think part of it was because I was able to draw on past experiences when he was sick and remember that he was ok. I also think that I was able to self talk myself. I kept staying to myself, "Don't panic, you'll cause Tyson to panic more. He will be ok." I just kept saying that over and over, and it worked. I even kept saying this after we cleaned him up and I kept myself from panicking after.

So today I continued my quest to changing 100% in how I react to my dog being sick/hurt. I think I may have gone up 10% and not just 1%. :)

Day 36- Thing I Love to Do........Watch Ellen.

Day 35- 5 Things

Since today is Cinco de Mayo I thought I would post 5 things I did today.

1.) Went to church today with my mom, aunt, and friend. Today's message was about how to not just fall in love, but how to stay in love.
2.) Went for a run today to work on my 5K goal. I was able to run almost 1/2 mile without stopping!
3.) It's Cinco de Mayo, of course I ate Mexican food at one of my family's favorite places.
4.) To celebrate my aunt and sister-in-law's birthdays my mom and I treated them to pedicures.
5.) Met up with my girl friends for pizza night and tv night.

Day 35- Thing I Love to Do....... Get a pedicure.

Day 34- Puppy Love

I know I have already done this a few times, but it should be #1 on my love list.

Day 34- Thing I Love to Do....... Cuddle time with Tyson.

Day 33- First Thing Off My Bucket List Completed

I can officially say that I can cross number 78 off my bucket list- inspire someone. This morning I woke up to an email from an old college classmate. In it he opened up to me that he reads my blog. He mentioned how touched he was and that I have taught him things. He explained that he was a fan of mine and that I should put on my Love List "Inspire People" because I have truly inspired him. I won't go into anymore details of the message because it is private, but it really meant a lot.

So here is to crossing off the first thing on my Bucket List!

78.) Inspire someone

Day 33- Thing I Love to Do.........Catch up with old friends.

Day 32- Let the Training Begin

One thing on my Bucket List is to do a 5K run. For anyone who knows me this is a HUGE deal. I normally repeal physical activity. I could even say I hate to do it. After I started having to go to physical therapy for my back, I didn't hate it as much. After that time ended I purchased a gym membership to go workout with my sister-in-law. Not only would it continue to help out with my back issues with keeping up my core workouts, it was another way for me to hangout with my sister-in-law.

I've also had this little goal in the back of my head a few years ago when I watched my older brother finish a marathon. Watching everyone it was inspiring to see everyone cross this finish line. It brought tears to my eyes multiple times. My goal is to do a color run with my friends on June 22 and then the 5K in November in my city with family members. Everyone had a different reason for being there; different goals and struggles on their path to the finish line. For me, I just want to do something that I never thought I would and that I know will be hard for me. And I'm sure when I cross that line there will be tears in y eyes.

SO, today I ran/walked for 10 min.......I started by walking 1 min, running 2 min, walking 1 min, running 2 min, walking 2 min, and running 2 min. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

Day 32- Thing I love to Do.......Go to Dinner with Friends.

Day 31- Changes

There are going to start to be some changes to my blog coming up. The last few days my anxiety has been pretty bad and its made me reevaluate how I want this blog to go. Before I started this my intention was to do things I've been wanting to do for awhile, try new things, challenge myself, face fears, change my focus, and grow in the process. I wanted to learn new things about myself and find out things I didn't know before. I mostly wanted to take this chapter of my life, the life of living with anxiety and mild depression, and put it behind me. All I've done these past 4 weeks though is continue to talk about it. That's not moving on, it's reliving it.

I also thought I would be doing a lot of new and exciting things that I would be wanting to post every chance I got, but the last few days I feel like I'm obligated to do it, not that I want to do it. I know I can't do something fun and exciting every day because I have a job and other responsibilities, but I feel like my last few posts I've been searching for inspiration. I feel like I've just been writing stuff, but not necessarily giving it my all.

I also think the pressure to teach people things I've learned in therapy and on my own has put a lot of pressure on me. It is definitely pressure I've put on myself, which is often worse than other people doing it. I did want to teach and hopefully inspire someone, but not in the way I have been. Don't get me wrong, I think I have done well with trying to teach, but I don't want to try and make each post a lesson, then it will become like a text book. I want others to see what I've been doing and take their own lesson away. Because even if someone is on the same path as me doesn't mean their journey is the same.

Day 31- Thing I Love To Do.......Talk to my Auntie Lysa