Last night at the group therapy I go to we had to create a pie chart that used words, both good and bad, that make up who we are. I had more good words than bad words, but I noticed a pattern with my bad words. The words I used were: Label myself, worried, negative, and can't let go.
I find that lately I have labeled myself. I say and think a lot that "I have anxiety" or "I have depression." By doing this I wonder if I'm creating a self-fufilling prophecy? By saying that I have these things I am continuing to have them. I have learned and tried to teach that what we say to ourselves has more power most of the time than what others tell us. So why do I keep doing it? By continuing to think and label that I have these, I won't move on. Now don't get me wrong, I know I need to acknowledge there is a problem in order to try and fix it, but at some point I have to change the label I give to myself and say "I have calmness" and "I have happiness."
I also describe myself as worried. I worry all the time. My common worries are if I will have to deal with this all my life, the safety of my family members (specifically my mom), and the safety of my dog. By worrying about these things I'm living in the future. I am missing things in this moment. Sometimes I feel like if I stop worrying about those things just long enough and just be, then exactly what I worry about will come true. By allowing this worry to take up all the space in my head, and ultimately all of me, there is no way that calmness and happiness can move in. I have to begin to put into practice that I will not waste my time worrying, because if I do I will miss out on all the great things now.
I also think that I am negative. Most of my life and especially recently I tend to see the bad situation before the positive. I have noticed though progress in this area. I use to not only see the bad, I use to automatically go to the catastrophic. Now, even though I still can be negative, it takes longer if at all to get to that catastrophic level. I'm not sure though how I have gotten here. Maybe it's just learning over time that the bad outcome I envision doesn't come true? Maybe searching for the good things in each day has made me become more positive? Maybe its been subconscious that my brain is just tired of being negative? Whatever it is, I have to give myself in this area for my progress.
Finally, I have a hard time letting things go. Because I still hold onto the small bowel obstruction and it being the starting point for all this anxiety and ultimately sadness, I can't move on. By not saying to myself that I am letting these things go and making it be part of my past and not who I am now, it is still there.
After looking at all these bad words I use I noticed the common theme between all of them: control and fear. By labeling myself, worrying, being negative, and not letting go I am in control of all these actions. It is not being in control of everything that is the root of the problems, it's fear. I'm not necessarily afraid of the emotions that will arise. I'm afraid about taking steps back from the progress I have made. I do think I have better coping skills than I use to, but I don't know if I'm 100% there yet. So I think, "Will I be able to handle it"? But I think are we ever 100% ready when our life takes a down? I don't think we are, but I just have to look at where I have been and realize that I wasn't ready when all this began, but I have figured it out. So, why have fear? I don't know the answer to this questions yet, but for right now I have to accept that.
Day 51- Thing I Love to Do........Play with animals
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