Day 214- Happy Halloween

The cutest trick-or-treaters!!

Day 214- Happy Halloween

Day 213- Carving Pumpkins

Tonight for the first time in a long time I carved one of my pumpkins. I mostly did it because I wanted the seeds in it to bake.  The pumpkin actually looks cooler in real life than in the photo because I put a glow stick around the rim so the pumpkin just glows.


Day 213- Happy Halloween

My pumpkin and the seeds.

Day 212- One At A Time

Today after work I went to the local dollar store to get glow sticks and Halloween themed cookie cutters for a few craft projects I want to do on the actual day of Halloween. I was able to get the glow sticks, but there was no longer any Halloween cookie cutters because ALL THE CHRISTMAS STUFF WAS OUT!! My first thought was, "Really!?" It isn't even the actual day of Halloween yet and minus a single row, there was no longer Halloween related items.

I guess I was shocked because not only was there was a limited amount of Halloween stuff, it was like they completely forgot about Thanksgiving. There is one more holiday between now and the  Christmas season. It just served as a reminder that as a whole we really have a hard time of just enjoying the moment. We seem to always been looking toward and planning for the future. Now don't get me wrong, I know it is important to have plans, visions, and goals for the future. We can't get to those moments though if we don't have some sort of focus in our present.

So instead of starting to worry about how you're going to spend the upcoming holiday season, if you'll have enough money to buy that special person an AMAZING gift, or anything else just try and get through Halloween first. Enjoy the excitement, magic, and fun that often comes along with this month's holiday. Otherwise you might miss something even more important than what's waiting for you in the future.


Day 212- Happy Halloween

Every wonder the meaning behind Halloween or how it started, read below.

Halloween or Hallowe'en (/ˌhæləˈwin, -oʊˈin, ˌhɒl-/; a contraction of "All Hallows'Evening"), also known as All Hallows' Eve,^[6] is a yearly celebration observed in a number of countries on October 31, the eve of the Western Christian feast ofAll Hallows' Day. It initiates the triduum of Hallowmas, the time in the liturgical year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers.

According to many scholars, All Hallows' Eve is a Christianized feast initially influenced by Celtic harvest festivals, with possible pagan roots, particularly the Gaelic Samhain. Other academics maintain that it originated independently of Samhain and has solely Christian roots.^[12]

Typical festive Halloween activities include trick-or-treating (or the related "guising" or "trunk-or-treating"), attending costume parties, decorating, carvingpumpkins into jack-o'-lanterns, lighting bonfires, apple bobbing, visiting haunted attractions, playing pranks, telling scary stories, and watching horror films.

Day 211- I Need To Spend More Time

Part of being healthy means you need to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. Throughout life there are different times we need to work on certain areas of our health more than others. For me, I feel like I have been so consumed lately with working on my mental and emotional health that I have been ignoring my physical and spiritual health. It is time to give them some attention.

I think for the most part I am doing okay physically. Knock on wood, I haven't been sick for awhile. I can't, though, remember the last time I have worked out. At the beginning of the year I was working out all the time and even set a goal to run the city's 5K. Well, that is this weekend and I am nowhere near in the shape needed to do it. I know there are two reasons why I have been ignoring this and they are nothing but excuses.

One is that I really don't have a gym buddy right now. My sister-in-law helps to train the valley's youth cross country team, so in the fall she puts her gym workouts on hold until the season is over. For whatever reason, unless I have someone to go with, I don't want to go. Two is that after coming home from being at work all day and taking care of the things I need to, the last thing I want to do is go workout. I let my tiredness overrule the fact that I know I should go.

I have also been lacking in my spiritual health. I use to be going church every Sunday, but I have been choosing to sleep in the last few weeks rather than going. I also use to start each morning reading a few Bible verses and saying a prayer to start my day. I can't even tell you the last time I did that. It was taking an active interest and devoting time that helped me to accept and understand the situation I was in. It gave me something positive to focus on and partake in every single day. Without doing this I feel like something is missing.

So, it is time to make me healthy all around.


Day 211- Happy Halloween

I saw a lot of friend's costumes who went out to Halloween parties this past weekend. My favorite I saw was a couple who were a French kiss. Now this picture is not them, but they were dressed exactly like this.

Day 210- Proven Again

This weekend has proven to me once again that when I am tired or not feeling well physically, my anxiety heightens. The last 3 days my back has been sore and I have not been sleeping too great. I have been having really weird dreams which have caused me to not wake up feeling rested or refreshed. Yesterday my neck and upper back were VERY sore and I felt pretty exhausted. Today I too have been a little sore and tired. As a result, I've been a bit edgy the last 3 days.

The thing is in the past I would freak out when I wasn't feeling well physically. Since a lot of my anxiety manifested physically (feeling edgy, nausea, and hot flashes), I wasn't able to make the distinction between if I really was sick or just anxious. I hated it. I could not stand the feeling of anxiety. I would feel anxious because I didn't feel well and I wasn't feeling well because I was anxious.

There is a difference now though. Now I understand and recognize the difference of not feeling well because I'm sick or I'm sick because I'm anxious. I know that as a result of actually feeling not the best some feelings of edginess and uneasiness may come. I am being mindful of what is going on in my body and how it is reacting. I tell myself that I'm tired or I'm not feeling okay, which means I may feel a little anxious. It is realizing that and accepting it that causes it to not escalate further. It allows me to still function, which is something I use to not be able to say.


Day 210- Happy Halloween

I wish someone around our neighborhood would have something cool like this.

Day 209- Painting Pumpkins

This afternoon my two youngest nieces and I painted our pumpkins. I still have one left that I plan on carving on Wednesday night. But today it was nice to be creative and relax!!


Day 209- Happy Halloween

The finished result on my two pumpkins.

Day 208- Halloween Filled Day Tomorrow

I'm excited to have a day off tomorrow. I get to finally work on my pumpkins I've been wanting to work on all week. I have a total of 5 mini pumpkins, paint, swirly eyeballs, and leaves. Then tomorrow night my family and I are going to the church Halloween event to celebrate my niece's birthday, who turned 11 years-old today. Should be a fun Halloween filled day tomorrow.

Day 208- Happy Halloween

Some of the leaves I picked up on my walk with Tyson tonight for my pumpkins tomorrow.

Day 207- Sore Back

When I was 15 years-old I had surgery to fix my scoliosis. While still a kid I developed what is known as an S Curve. It basically means my spine was shaped like an S with a curve up top and a curve on the bottom. Now a curve on the bottom is not too dangerous because there are not too many vital organs that can get damaged as a result. So that curve has not been fixed. It may need to be in the future if it begins t cause major problems, but for now all it would do is cause nearly zero mobility and flexibility in my entire torso. In the meantime, I try and make sure to do as many core exercises I can to keep my core strong.

They did, however, need to fix the top curve. Since the upper part of the spine is connected to the rib cage, a sever curve can cause damage to the heart and lungs. At the time of my surgery my upper curve was at almost 70 degrees. As a result my lungs were starting to be crushed. To this day I only have about 60% capacity in my lungs, which means activities like running, hiking, and high altitudes very difficult.

Now we did try and prevent this. I was fitted in 5th grade for a brace. this was basically a plastic cast that covered my entire torso. It was located right underneath my arms and went all the way just at my pelvic area. Inside was padding that was strategically placed to help push on certain areas, and the back was in closed with velcro straps. I was suppose to wear this 24/7, but I didn't. I only ever wore it at bed time. Even if I had worn it when I was suppose, the doctors told me that I would most likely have had to have surgery anyways.

How they fixed the my curve was between my 5th and 12th vertebrate they placed steel rods on either side of my spine. They then took donor bones in between my spine and the rods to fuse them together. They then placed wires and screws on either side of my sine to keep everything in place. To close my up they literally put a zipper, like the kind on a pair of pants, over the cut they made and pulled the skin together to heal like a scratch (Note: I was the first person in the United States this closure procedure was used on). After that healing time was a week in the hospital, a month at home, and then I was back to normal. Overall, it was one of the easier surgeries I've had.

Probably for the last 8 years or so I have experienced pain every few months in my upper back. It occurs in between my shoulder blades, mostly on the left side. Basically it is right above the top of the rods in my back. Depending on how I sleep, I develop a  huge knot right there that takes a few days to let up. Today this has occurred. So, I'm going to take a warm shower before nicely begging my mom to give me a bit of a massage to see if she can loosen up the knot. Hopefully tomorrow it wont hurt as bad.


Day 207- Happy Halloween

Since skeletons are a huge part of Halloween, I thought I would post a picture of a spine that has had this kind of surgery. Now this isn't my back specifically, but it is what mine looks like.

    

Day 206- Is Wanting Alone Time Bad?

When my anxiety was at its highest I constantly wanted to be around people. In fact, if I could avoid being alone all together I would. Being around someone, especially a family member, was my security blanket. I felt safe and less scared when others were around. I thought that having others around was a good coping mechanism. It was at times, but I was mostly using it in an unhealthy way because I counted on them to make me feel better instead of working on it myself.

 As I started to feel better I was alright with being alone from time to time. I even measured my depression on whether I wanted to be around people. I knew withdrawing from others and isolating myself was a red flag in depression. That thought has been in my head a few times these past couple of weeks because at night, I have just wanted to be in my room by myself. After I do my normal routine of dinner, walking Tyson, taking a shower, and getting my clothes and lunch ready for the next day, I will head to my room to write my blog. After words I would then go out to the front room and watch t.v. with my family, but the last few weeks I haven't.

Instead after I finish my blog I have either been looking on my computer or watching my own T.V. I'll be on my computer searching for new music, playing games on Facebook, or looking up places or things I want to do with family or friends on the weekends. If I watch T.V. it is often something I want to watch that my family doesn't. So am I being anti-social on purpose or do I just need some "me" time these last few weeks?

Now that it has been cooler, instead of Tyson sleeping on the floor, he has been sleeping on our lounge chair. He is a big boy, so it's almost impossible to share it with him. Our couch in not very big also, so for more than one person to sit/lay on it comfortably it is impossible too. My mom often makes it to the couch first, so instead of asking her to scoot over (which I know she would), I have just gone in my room and sprawled out on my bed instead. So I don't think I'm being anti-social on purpose, I just go in my room to lay comfortably and watch what I want.

I also think since I am around people and on the phone a lot at work, I just need time alone. I think spending time by myself every night is my way to decompress and relax lately. I know that I am in a much better place than I was so I should not worry about wanting alone time. In fact, I know being able to spend time by yourself is necessary for being healthy. Plus that fact that I am able to is huge progress from when I started going through this. So instead of worrying about needing an hour or so of alone time each night before bed I should remember when I couldn't even spend an hour alone without panicking, and see the positive progression I have made.


Day 206- Happy Halloween

I'm not a huge fan of pumpkin, but I do like pumpkin bread and pumpkin seeds. Seeds are very easy to make. Click the picture below for a very simple recipe.

Day 205- Feeling Creative

Over the weekend I bought a few pumpkins and some paint. The plan is this weekend to work on them and paint them. I would carve them, but carved pumpkins don't last very long so I would have to do it right before Halloween. That I will not have time for. So, I have been looking online for a few ways I could decorate them.

It's nice that I have found another way, besides writing, that I enjoy that helps to calm me. It allows me to get things out when I'm working on a creative type of project. I like being able to focus all my energy on something and get something positive out of it. The best part I think is often the project will turn out one way, and it often turns completely different then how it began.


Day 205- Happy Halloween

Some possible ideas

Day 204- Very Excited

Today my family got very good news about my brother. It looks like his dreams may be coming true. My brother has always had a love of music and it looks like he may be able to have a career involving it. I'll know more of the details when he gets home from work tonight. Until then I'm just happy and proud of him.

It's nice to actually enjoy moments like this when I knew in the past I wouldn't be.


Day 204- Happy Halloween

I love my dog, but I can't wait until the day I own a pug. Maybe I'll dress them up like this....

or this....

or this....

Day 203- What I've Noticed

Even though I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety I still have anxious energy every week that I have yet to figure out how to stop. It doesn't get out of control and I expect it, but I have yet to figure out how to not have it at all. I definitely can function with it and it goes away by the time I go to bed, but it is there without failure.

 Always on Sundays around 4:00 P.M.-ish I start to feel a nervous energy. I think it is because around this time I start to realize that my weekend is coming to an end. I know that I will have to start thinking about and making what I will make for my lunch the following day, I will need to start laying out my clothes for the following day, and I'll try and make sure all my weekend chores are done. Now I am still enjoying my job and I like the routine and stability it has caused in my life, so why do I get a nervous energy? There must be subconscious part that causes it every week that I have yet to tap in to and figure out.

I think the fact that I recognize that I feel it, that is has a pattern, and that I know it will pass keeps it from getting out of control. It could just be that my brain recognizes the time and day and has been programmed to react this way. It could be though that because I know this means I will be going back to waking up early for the next 5 days, which I HATE because I am not a morning person, that is why the nervous energy begins. Without realizing it, I'm making myself nervous because I know for the next 5 days I will be forced to do something I don't like.

So, how to I change that? I'm not sure yet, but I know I'll spend the next few days trying to figure it out.


Day 203- Happy Halloween

SCREAM, the first scary/horror movie I remember seeing. I was 11 years-old when it first came out and I'm pretty sure I saw it at that age too. That probably explains why I don't like staying by myself at night. Thanks Mom and Dad!!!! Just kidding. 

Day 202- I Can't Even Handle It

The amount of cuteness in the picture below is ridiculous. I can't believe I have such a handsome boy!!


Day 202- Happy Halloween

Day 201- Classic

 One way to help calm down, reduce anxiety, and eliminate stress is to listen to classical music. Now the majority of us have heard the studies that have shown that listening to classical music while we study actually helps us retain the information better. There are even some out there who say that if you have your children listen to classical music while still in the womb they show higher intelligence. There have even been studies that shows listening to classical music helps to promote healing because it releases a purity hormone that speeds things along.

Classical music can produce a calming effect by releasing pleasure-inducing dopamine and inhibit the release of stress hormones, which generates a pleasant, calm, and happy mood. Other advantages to listening to classical music are lowering blood pressure and reduce pain. Now I know not everyone enjoys classical music, but if you don't mind it or have no opinion on it, try it. Listening to it thirty minutes a day can produce a calming effect that just might last you the entire day.

Day 201- Happy Halloween

There are tons of classical music that is out there. My favorite classical composer is named Carter Burwell. He has created a lot of scores for movies. With it being Halloween though, I decided to put up a Halloween inspired song. It definitely wouldn't make me relax, but it goes with the theme of the month.

Day 200- Strength

Every now and then I like to look up inspirational quotes, poems, and stories and keep ones I find for a time when I've had a rough day. It helps me to look back on these positive words to regain that inner strength and motivation that I have on my good days. Today I found one that I though I would share because it is a reminder to try and live one day at a time.

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
― Corrie ten Boom


Day 200- Happy Halloween

I'm so bummed I won't make it to Disneyland for Halloween this year. I like this time of the year just as much, if not more, than Christmas time at Disneyland.

Day 199- Pasta Dinner

Tonight my parents and I are going to my oldest niece's school for a fundraiser for her cross-country team. The team will be serving us pasta. I'm excited because it means I get to spend time with all of my nieces, my brother, sister-in-law, and parents. We will be missing my younger brother who will be at work. I love my family and supporting them since they have been such a huge support to me these last few years.


Day 199- Happy Halloween

Halloween Peppermint Patty
Find the recipe here 

Day 198- Nightmare Before Christmas

Tonight my brother and I are going to the El Capitan Theatre in Hollywood to see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 4D. A friend of mine had originally bought it for herself and her boyfriend to go, but she got tickets to the Dodger game instead. The Nightmare Before Christmas is one of mine and my brother's favorites. I actually remember my mom and a few other mom's in the neighborhood took all us kids to go see it when it first came out.

I'm excited because the movie will be in 4D. Basically, we will be watching it in 3D, but if it's snowing in the movie they will make it snow in the theatre. If there is a certain smell the characters are talking about, they theatre will smell like that. All of our senses will be activated. They will also have one of the actor's who voiced one of the characters there.

Overall, it should be a very fun, Halloween filled night.


Day 198- Happy Halloween

Day 197- I Passed The Test

Last night my progress with controlling my anxiety was tested. My brother comes home around the same time from work almost every night. 9 out of 10 times I hear him come in, but last night my mom and I didn't. So, in the middle of the night he still wasn't home. Both my mom and I called him and he didn't answer. We knew he was going to a friend's house after work, but we also knew he had work this morning so he wouldn't be late. Immediately I went into my old ways.

My first thoughts were he was in a car accident or he was arrested. There were no other explanations. As soon as I thought this though I recognized I was going back to my old thinking. I was going directly to my catastrophic thinking. As soon as I realized this I took a step back and looked at the situation from a more logical place. If he had been in an accident we would have had someone come to the door and tell us. If he had been arrested we would have received his one phone call. There must be another explanation why he was late.

I was able to keep myself from spinning out of control. I put up a road block and went down a different path. Instead of going into full blown anxiety mode, I went into a slight worried mode. I was in a mode that manageable and not debilitating. I decided to give my brother another call and this time he answered. His friends and him decided to watch a movie and he had fallen asleep. He had put his phone on vibrate during the movie so that is why he didn't answer it. It took awhile for him to realize what the vibration was.

After we realized he was alright my mom and I went back to bed. In the old days, even with everything good again, my anxiety and adrenaline would be so high I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. Last night though I was able to. I did make Tyson get back on my bed so that I could cuddle with him, but last year even that wouldn't help. Now, it was just the little extra comfort I needed. I may not have earned an A+ last night, but I definitely passed one of my first real anxiety tests I've had in awhile.


Day 197- Happy Halloween

We have a row of 3 bushes leading up to our front door. This will be a cute idea on Halloween night to let trick-or-treaters known that we are passing out candy.

Day 196- Oh The Horror!!

For those of you who don't know, when it comes to "scary stuff" I am not very good with it. I hate scary movies and haunted houses. Anything involving ghosts, demons, and anything considered supernatural I can't stand. I also don't like gore too much, but I have an easier time with it. Even though I don't like these things, I still participate in them and love Halloween. The food, pumpkins, dressing up, and decorations are fun to me.  The haunted houses I don't think are fun, but as long as I have a group with me I will go.

A website I follow on Facebook called Buzzfeed often has random videos, photos, and stories. Recently, with the Halloween season upon us, they have had a lot of random, but fun, videos. I thought I would share some that I have seen lately. Since they are things I can actually handle.


Day 196- Happy Halloween

Day 195- Locked Out

This afternoon I sat outside, on a curb of the parking lot at church. Today they were having a car wash fundraiser. Apparently when my car is turned off and the keys are not in the ignition, my car automatically locks. Which means, my keys were locked in the car. I had wait for my mom to come with the spare key.

I guess this was a reminder of how life likes to teach us things and throw us unexpected curve balls. I wasn't angry or upset or stressed. I just felt bad my mom had to drive from our house to the complete opposite side of town. But I realized very quickly that the people washing my car probably felt worse. Also, no one was hurt, it wasn't unsolvable, and it was perfect weather outside.

So, I took this little bump in stride today and got a little extra vitamin D.



Day 195- Happy Halloween

I'm not sure why during Halloween time EVERYTHING becomes pumpkin, but I'm okay with it. Pumpkin bread and pumpkin seeds sure are yummy!!

Day 194- Looooooooong Day

After working my full 8 hours today myself and two other co-workers went to a city event to help market and get the company name out there. I'm just now getting home. I'm exhausted. That and I just spent the last 15 hours in heel boots. It's definitely time for bed.


Day 194- Happy Halloween

Cutest Queen of Hearts costume I've ever seen.

Day 193- Colder Weather

The weather the last few days has been colder so Tyson needs to be tucked in.

Day 193- Happy Halloween

Probably one of the scariest haunted houses I've ever been in is one that was filled with clowns. I wish they looked like this, but unfortunately they did not.

Day 192- Helping Others

For the longest time when I was experiencing my anxiety I was constantly asking, "Why me?" I wanted the answer to that. I guess it would have made things easier if I knew the point for it. Without a point or reason it made everything so much harder.

Now that I'm am feeling better and really feel like I have a handle on it, I can see the point. I think I have mentioned this before, but the point was so that I could help others. Now if you believe like me, then you believe everything has a reason. God has a plan for us and knows exactly why He puts us through the things He does. He knew that not only would I be able to survive this, but that I would be open to sharing it. With my openness I would encourage others to open up and start to heal.

The reason why I am saying this again is because the last few days I have helped another person by opening up and sharing my story. By sharing my experience, the information I have learned, techniques I have tried, and listening I have helped someone else. The biggest asset I had in my healing was having people who could listen and relate, and I'm proud to be that for others now.

The was the reason and the point behind why He put me though this.


Day 192- Happy Halloween

There is a lot of Halloween movies out there, but this is my favorite.

Hocus Pocus

 

Day 191- Make A Move

I told you before that music is a huge part of my life, but when my anxiety was at its worst I didn't enjoy the majority of music. There were a few exceptions though. The few artists I was still able to listen to were Taylor Swift, The Summer Set, Phil Wickham, and Gavin Degraw. For whatever reason, I could still enjoy these people.

Next week on October 15th, Gavin Degraw is releasing his new CD called Make A Move and I'm so excited. MTV and VH1 started previewing it today, and so far I really like it. Check it out for yourself on the website. The majority of the songs are fast paced and upbeat, which is probably why I like it. You can listen to it or not. Either way, I thought I would just share something I once again enjoy with you.


Day 191- Happy Halloween

Does everyone remember Troll dolls from growing up? Here is a cute idea for a costume....being a Troll, jeweled belly button and all.

Day 190- This Isn't Working

When I first started this new month I decided I would end each blog with a scary story. Well, I'm not liking it. I thought I would have a ton of stories to tell, but I am having the hardest time. When I look back on them, they really aren't scary even though in the moment they were. Plus, when i started this blog I wanted to put as much happiness into it as I could; probably for more my benefit than yours. The idea if I put out happy energy I will begin to live it.

So, instead of doing a scary story at the end of each post, I'm going to something Halloween related. It can be a cool costume, creative decoration, yummy treats, or anything else fun Halloween related. Here we go!


Day 190- Happy Halloween

As a huge Harry Potter fan, this costume is amazing. It is Harry Potter and Fluffy, the 3 headed dog from the first Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Day 189- The Fog Has Lifted

As I am writing this right now I am sitting in the from yard, with Tyson, listening to music, and feeling the warmth of the sun. There is a slight breeze, which is a welcome change from the super strong winds  we have had the last few days. If I could describe a one of my favorite kinds of afternoons, this would be one of them. There is such a feeling of peace, contentment, gratefulness, and happiness in me right now.

This place, the front yard with my dog and perfect weather, is one of my happy places. We all need a place like this. Other happy places of mine are the beach, the swing in our backyard, almost anywhere I am with my nieces, outside on our patio with my mom, the car rides my friends and I have, Disneyland,  a concert, and my bed at night when Tyson actually lets me cuddle up with him. That is what I am most grateful about this process. It has taught me to open up my eyes and to see the wonderful things around me. And the amazing thing is they were all there before, I just couldn't see them.

Sure, I have bad days still. I have my days when the sadness and anxiety creeps back in. The thing that is different now is that I can see through those feelings. Before it was like I was in a fog, I couldn't see all the things around me on the other side of that fog. I still get stuck in the fog from time to time, but now I understand that it will lift by remember the simples things and places on the other side of it.


Day 189- Scary Story- One summer when I was an early teenager my family and I were at the beach. My brother and I were boogie boarding most of the afternoon, but the waves started getting too big so we decided to go in. The wave that took me in ended up tossing me so badly I pretty much got swallowed up by the wave. I'm sure I was under water for only 5 seconds, but it felt like 5 minutes. Needless to say, it scared me...BAD. Ever since I don't go too far out in the ocean anymore, especially when there are large waves.

Day 188- 20 Years Later

I mentioned earlier this week how I bought The Little Mermaid on DVD. Well this afternoon my mom and I decided to watch it. It was funny because I probably haven't watched the movie since I was 8 years-old or heard the songs in the movie very often over the years, but I knew every word of every song still. I wasn't amazed but my mom was.

That's the thing, memories and events in your life can last forever. Sometimes things just stick with us, and unfortunately they aren't always good things. It is holding onto the bad memories that trigger issues of depression, ptsd, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. Now and then, no matter what we try to do we just can't get away from it.

For me, one memory I know that will stay with me forever is actually one of my earliest memories ever. After my heart surgery when I was 5 years-old, I remember waking up in the ICU. I don't remember everything, but I remember it was dark, I was near the corner of the room, and my mom was there. Not the best memory to have as your first memory of life.  And the thing is, I have hundreds of other memories just like this from childhood.

It was memories like this that played a part in my anxiety. I knew I had been through situations, far worse than a simple little intestinal obstruction. I was able to get through them without much problem, so why did I have such a problem getting through my most recent health issue. My memories of strength made me feel weak. I felt not as strong. I felt weak.

So you see, memories from the past can affect how we handle things in the future. My recent memories that have been created from my time of anxiety and depression can be unpleasant. For me though, I plan on using them as a reminder. A reminder on how I was able to push through, how I knew when I needed help, and how I was strong enough to share my story. It will be a reminder that will help me to recognize the signs if this issues ever come back, and know I can and will survive.


Day 188- Scary Story- This scary story can be explained in four words: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

Day 187- Friday Night In

It has just turned 8pm on Friday night and I am already in my pajamas.  For the next few hours before I go to bed I plan on doing nothing but munching on snacks and watching the hours of shows I have taped on my DVR. After the long work week I have had, this sounds like the perfect Friday night.


Day 187- Scary Story- In 1994 in Southern California there was a huge earthquake. I was 9 years-old at the time. I don't remember too much of it, but I remember for a week straight after it, my brother and I slept in my parents room. Then, for about 3-4 months after I would sleep in my parents room first, and then they would carry me to my room when they went to bed. It still don't like earthquakes too much, but I'm not as scared as I was back then.

Day 186- Do You Know Who Is Writing this Blog?

The employee of the month is writing this blog!! Today we had our monthly management meeting and after just 2 months of being there, I got the award. I wasn't expecting it, but it definitely is nice to be appreciated.


Day 186- Scary Story- A few months ago I went hiking with my sister-in-law and nieces. As we were hiking a snake came across our path. I'm not sure why, but as far as I can remember I have been terrified of snakes. The way they slither, coil, and can be very dangerous, it gives me the chills. So when this snake crossed our path, so close, I'm surprised I didn't take off immediately in the other direction. Probably because I knew sudden movement could cause them to strike. Even though I'm sure it wasn't dangerous and it was probably more scared of us, it was one of the scariest snake moments I have had.

Day 185- More Bucket List Items!

Yesterday one of my favorite movies of all time came out on blue-ray for the first time. While I was at the store looking for the movie, I found another one of my favorite movies on sale. So, I bought both of them.

68.) Own all my favorite Disney movies: The Little Mermaid, Hocus Pocus


Day 185- Scary Story- I like a lot of different types of movies, but I do not like scary movies. For some reason I can handle gore, but anything involving super-natural (ghosts, demons, possessions, etc.), I can't handle. They just don't settle well with me, and its been like that for as long as I can remember. For some reason a few years ago I allowed my co-workers to convince me to go see The Last Exorcism, a scary movie about a young girl being possessed, after work. I borrowed a hooded sweater from one of my co-workers and I literally watched 80% of the movie with the hood pulled over my head. I remember even screaming out loud. at one point I heard laughing, and a few of the people I was with were laughing at me. Needless to say, me and scary movies don't do well together.

Day 184- What Are You Afraid Of?

It's a new month which means I'll be ending each post in a new way.   For a lot of people, October signifies very important happenings like: breast cancer awareness, the beginning of fall, and for my hockey fans- the start of hockey season. But for the majority of people, myself included, when I think of the month of October I think of Halloween.

In respect to decorations and sales, Halloween is the second biggest holiday in the U.S. following Christmas. When I think of Halloween I think of magic, candy, dressing up, pumpkins, witches, and ghosts. Mostly though, I think of fear and being scared.

With anxiety, a big source of what fuels the anxiety is fear. When it comes to fear it is either rational or irrational. I've experienced both. When it is rational, I often will learn something or gain strength from the experience when I look back on it. When it is irrational I often laugh and realize how ridiculous it really was. So, at the end of each post this month I will tell a story of a time I was scared and had fear.


Day 184- Scary Story- I remember one Halloween when I was younger, I'm not sure the exact age but I was probably 10 or 11, that my friends I went to a haunted house in our neighborhood. We were going through the haunted house and it was not that bad in the beginning. Then, at the very end there was a guy hiding around the corner with a chainsaw (he didn't have the blade in obviously, but it still made that loud noise). I remember getting so scared I ran the rest of the way out. On the way out I hit my shoulder on the wall and got a huge scrape. Looking back now, I don't know why I got so scared. We had heard the chainsaw going before we went in, so we knew it was in there. It was probably more of a fear of the unknown. I wasn't sure when it would happen, so when it did that was why I got scared.