April 30- Probably My Favorite Thing

After a very long, stressful, anxiety high day at work I'm going to do one of my favorite things.........

Day 30- Thing I Love to Do.......Lay on the couch with my Mom and watch TV.

Day 29- Even Famous People Have Issues

In the beginning of my anxiety I felt like I was the only one dealing with it. The more I talked about it though, the more it seemed like everybody was dealing with it. Not only anxiety, but depression as well. The more I looked up information about these issues I found out that a lot of well-known people dealt with issues of depression and anxiety. Let me see how many people you know on this list?

Angelina Jolie, Christina Ricci, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Zach Braff, Mandy Moore, Kylie Minogue, Bryce Dallas Howard, Uma Thurman, Demi Lovato, Sheryl Crow, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jon Hamm, Princess Diana, Abraham Lincoln, Anne Hathaway, Judy Garland, Ashley Judd, Pete Wentz, Sir Winston Churchill, Buzz Aldrin, Sir Isaac Newton, Mark Twain, Teddy Roosevelt, Dolly Parton, Owen Wilson, Halle Berry, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jim Carrey, Brooke Shields, Drew Carey, Billy Joel, and Rosie O'Donnell. How many people did you know on this list?

One person that I was both surprised and inspired to see on this was J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series. I was surprised because every time I have seen her in interviews she seemed to have everything together. I was also kind of excited because like most people my age I LOVE the Harry Potter series. I own every book, read every book, own every movie, and seen every movie. I could probably read each book and see each movie 100 times and still want to do it all over again. It was inspiring to see someone I admire and like who has dealt with similar issues as me.

After reading that J.K. Rowling suffered from depression it was interesting to read that writing the series helped to pull her out of it, and that she even integrated her experience into her books as characters. For those of you who haven't read the books or seen the movies there are characters called Dementors, which she specifically created to show how depression made her feel. The Dementors are dark hooded creatures who suck all the happiness and joy out of their victims, as well as detect a person's secret fears. Ultimately they can change a person's entire personality. She has also integrated specific messages of hope into her books. One of my personal favorites is actually the background on my computer that I see every day.

What I hope you can take away from this is that 1.) You are not alone; there are tons of people out there, well-known and in your inner circle, going through the same thing as you. You just have to be brave enough to show and talk about it. 2.) Beautiful things can come out of these issues we are dealing with; all these people I listed above achieved great things both during and after their battles. 3.) This is just a phase and things will get better.

Day 29- Thing I Love to Do......Hug my parents.

Day 28- Live in the Moment

"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present." -Lao Tzu

This was a quote I heard probably about a year ago and its stuck with me. A lot of times when I'm feeling down or feeling anxious I try to examine what I'm thinking about and 9 out of 10 times, it is exactly what this quote says.

A lot of what has been the cause of my depression is not feeling like my old self and watching my group of friends get smaller. I use to never worry about much, didn't cry for no reason, and didn't have days where I didn't want to do anything but lay around and watch television. I've been so consumed with anxiety and depression and focusing how these things have changed my life that I will sometimes wish for the days that it wasn't an issue and remember how I was. Over the last few years I have also watched my circle of friends get smaller. For whatever reason I have always seemed to hangout with younger people. My core group of friends I have had since high school and before are my same age, but a larger majority has always been younger. Part of it has been that I have gotten older and I have chosen to not hangout because I don't think it's fun to go out and party till 4am anymore. With my friends who are my age a lot of the reasons I don't see them as often as I would like is because we all have different jobs and are on different schedules. So it's not that I don't see or talk to those core friends, it's just harder now.

In the beginning a lot of my anxiety was health related. Anytime I wasn't feeling well I would jump to the worst case scenario and get anxious that way. Now my anxiety has changed a bit and the things I worry about are definitely future related. Will I get a new job? Will I have these issues all my life? How long will my parents be alive? Will I end up alone? These are all things I don't have the answers to because they are in the future. It's when I start thinking and worrying about these things that I get anxious because I often think worst case scenarios.

The living in the present is the part of the quote I have the biggest issue with. I think a lot of people do. Noticing and enjoying the things that are going on right now is difficult when dealing with depression and anxiety. Mostly because you aren't enjoying the present. You are either thinking in the past or future. I'm not saying that all present moments are enjoyable. Definitely when we are in moments of being sick, taking a test, looking for something lost, etc. those are not moments of peace. But focusing on those moments and not other things is what gives you peace. You're not sad or anxious if even the less enjoyable moments are moments that you're fully in.

I understand that this quote is something that will not apply to every person dealing with depression or anxiety. For me, however, it struck a cord because it was what I was doing. It also is a reminder that when I am depressed or anxious I have to try and take a step back and focus on what is happening right then and there and focus on that.

Day 28- Thing I Love to Do......Sit in the front yard with Tyson. 

Day 27- 2 Things in 1

After a long day I come home to watch 2 people I love on 1 show!
Note: This is the second time I have watched this episode this week.
Day 27- Thing I Love to Do....... Anything involving Justin Timberlake AND watching Ellen.

Day 26- America's Got Talent

Today I got to go see a taping of America's Got Talent with my sister-in-law and 2 nieces. We ended up being 6 rows from the stage and right next to Howie! So look for us at the Los Angeles auditions when the new season airs June 4th!!


Day 26- Thing I Love to Do....... Hangout with my nieces.

Day 25- Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

The last 2 nights while driving home from work the strangest thing happened. I was driving and thinking about all the things I've been doing lately and where I am in my life right now. All of a sudden I started to smile out of nowhere. It surprised me. I can't remember the last time I smiled for no reason at all. Then it dawned on me. I might actually be truly happy for the first time in almost 2 years.

Around this time last year I was doing OK. I was feeling like myself and didn't have too much anxiety. At that time I probably thought I was past the anxiety. Even though I wasn't sad, I wasn't really happy either. I was OK with this though because I thought all the anxiety and worry was behind me. Then I went on vacation to Canada. As much fun as I had during that trip it brought up my anxiety again. I was still having stomach issues around this time and they were testing me for multiple food allergies, so I was worried about that. I also was worrying if my anxiety would rise up while I was on my trip and that it would be ruined.  Overall the trip ended up being alright, but I was sad that my worries made it not as fun as it could have been.

After returning home my anxiety eventually subsided again and I was back to feeling like myself. I remember on 4th of July last year I had so much fun and was even happy that day, I thought for sure this time I was better. Three days later I was in the hospital for extremely bad food poisoning. The anxiety was worse than ever. I could barely even function.

 That's why feeling happy now scares me a little. The last few years every time I thought I was moving on and could possibly be happy, I got knocked back down and the process of having anxiety begins again. If I start to worrying about that though I will definitely fall back, but I have to look at what I had last year verses what I have this year. This year I have more knowledge, I have tools, I have a larger support system, I have a professional, and I have this blog. I'm at a better place all around than I was last year. I'm definitely not a 100% happy with my life, there are still things I wish were different, but for this moment right now I'm content. I'm happy today and that's OK.

Day 25- Thing I Love to Do........Clean and organize something. (My Room)

Day 24- Setting Goals

It's important when dealing with anxiety and depression to set goals for yourself. They can be big or small, but they have to be there. The reason why goals are so important are because they give us something to strive for, they give us motivation, and they give us a sense of satisfaction when they are reached. Think of the last time you made a goal and reached it. Did you feel happy? Were you proud of yourself? Did you have a sense of accomplishment? These are all wonderful things to feel and will give you a push in a positive direction. They will also give you something else to focus on in those times of despair.

There are 2 important things to remember when setting goals. First, they have to be important to you. If they aren't then you won't do them. Second, they have to be realistic or else you'll never reach them. The dangerous things if you don't follow these 2 simple rules are that you can worsen the situation. If something is not high on your importance list you will make excuses or just simply not do it, which can cause you to feel like you failed and make depression worse.When the goal is not within your ability or realistically achievable you can become too overwhelmed and can cause high anxiety.

For awhile my goal was to get control of my anxiety and depression. My first step in this whole process was to first figure out if this was an obtainable goal, which I very quickly knew it was. Next, in order to reach this goal I knew there were things I needed to do first. I knew I didn't have a lot of information on this subject, so I first set out to find some. I did some internet research, but my biggest source of information was having multiple talks with my childhood friend and neighbor who is a psychiatrist at UCLA Hospital. After getting a bunch of facts, I went and got a self-help book for anxiety that had even more data and exercises. At the same time as doing this I started to take steps in making changes in my life and lifestyle. I started exercising, changed my eating habits, spent more time with my family, went to church more, wrote in a journal, hung out around positive people in positive environments, and completely stopped the occasional drinking of alcohol. The final step was seeking help and going to a therapist. Even with all these steps I am definitely not at my goal yet of having complete control of my anxiety and depression, but I am getting closer. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel now; it's small, but it is there for the first time in a few years.

So now, I want to create a new goal. After a lot of thought I decided I want to run a 5K race in my city in November. This is something I NEVER thought I would set as a goal, but that is an achievement in itself. Today I took the first step for the 5K race. I wanted to see how long I could run before I got tired. Now before I tell you how long that was remember that I have a heart condition, I have not done consistent physical activity since I was about 15 years-old, and even though I go to the gym I mostly do weights and I WALK on a treadmill.......... I was able to run for 2 minutes. That may seem terrible to some people, but this gives me a starting off point. From here I can lay out a realistic plan and multiple steps to my ultimate goal. In the process, the mini goals and successes I make will keep my motivated.  That's another thing to remember when setting a goal; give yourself mini goals so you can feel good about your mini successes.

Now, I told you my new goal of running a 5K, what's your new goal?

Day 24- Thing I Love to Do......Pet my nieces dog, Columbus.

Day 23- Happiest Moments

I was recently given a book called Attitudes of Gratitude: How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your Life by M.J. Ryan. I've only read the first chapter so far, but basically the book teaches us the importance of being grateful for the things in our life and how to find joy even in the hardest times of life. In the first chapter it tells you to recall a happy moment in your life that stands out for you. It doesn't matter how recent or how long ago it was, just as long as it was truly happy and it has stayed with you.

Anyone who knows me knows I am obsessed with my dog. He is my child and I love him like one. For me, one of my happiest memories is the first time I saw him. I had to work the day we got him and I knew my mom and brother were going to pick him up that afternoon. I was so excited driving home, I couldn't drive fast enough. My brother and I had wanted a dog almost all our lives, but my parents would never allow it. After 22 years of begging, they finally caved.

I was expecting to see him as soon as I walked in the house, but it was silent when I walked in. I went to the garage to check to see if they were even home yet and they were. I called out for my mom, but didn't get a response. I went outside in the backyard to see if they were there. I decided to walk over to the side of the house where I knew we were going to have as the place the dog would be going to the restroom. I started to hear voices and as I rounded the corner I saw him. He was this fluff ball of dark brown and black fur. His butt was swaying back and forth as he walked in the grass. It was then that I smiled probably the biggest smile of my life and said, "Hi puppy."

As soon as he heard me he turned around and came running towards me. I met him half way between where I was and he was on the grass. I bent down and started petty him as soon as he got to me. A few seconds later he got so excited he peed on me. I couldn't have been happier knowing he was excited I was there.

That is one of my happiest memories. Often when I look at my now giant dog I remember that moment. That was 3 years ago, but it is still so vivid in my mind. Moments like these are what we need to remember and recall when we are having those times of sadness, hopelessness, nervousness, and despair. Recalling times when we were truly happy can help in drawing strength and inspiration. Happiness is possible, we just have to remember where we have had it and work towards it.

What is one of your happiest memories? Grasp it, hold onto it, and use it to now live it.

From the first week we had Tyson

Day 23- Thing I Love to Do........Cuddle time with Tyson

Day 22- A Way With Words

Words are powerful. What we say can have a huge impact on not only our lives but the lives of others. Maybe that's why growing up we were all told "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." This saying was meant to teach us how to behave in public and toward other people, but maybe we should also take this phrase and apply it to ourselves.

What we tell ourselves and how we view ourselves directly affects how we feel, act, and think. A big part of my anxiety in the beginning stages was I was always worried about my health. For awhile I was dizzy almost all the time. Instead of realizing and accepting that dizziness was a symptom of anxiety, I convinced myself that I had symptoms of a brain tumor. Even though I had no other symptoms and I knew in the back of my mind that being dizzy was a part of anxiety, it didn't matter. I kept telling myself over and over again it was something more. That's the power of words and what we tell ourselves. It wasn't until I went and saw my doctor and she gave me a look over and said I had no signs of a brain tumor that I finally believed it. The power of her words completely changed my mind.

Often what we are telling ourselves can sway our anxieties, fears, and sadness. Tonight I went to my first meeting with my new group. It's a group of 8-10 people who have also dealt with anxiety and depression and is lead by my therapist. Going to the meeting I was a little nervous. I was nervous about meeting new people and wasn't sure what the group would be like. If I took that path and just thought of all the different negative outcomes, I could have probably talked myself out of it. Instead, I decided to focus on the positive thoughts like: how much help therapy has been so far and what I could learn from the other people.

What if we took this idea about how our own thoughts and words affect how we view ourselves and try and control it? Think of what we can do? Try writing a list of all the things you like about yourself, things that are your strengths, and things that you want to be. Every morning that you wake up and every night before you go to bed go over this list. Some people may recognize this as a form of affirmations, which I guess it kind of is. In order to give you an idea of how this could work, here are a few of the things I am choosing to tell myself every day: I am strong, I am powerful,I am hard-working, I am caring, I am getting better every day, I am healthy, I am amazing, I am a survivor.

Now go out and make your own list.

Day 22- Thing I Love to Do......Listen to Country Music.

Day 21- Too Much of A Good Thing

Yesterday was a wonderful day at the beach. It wasn't crowded, the weather was perfect, and the waves were large and loud. Too bad I was enjoying being at my favorite place in the world too much to remember sunscreen. I burned the tops of my feet, the front and back of my legs, my arms, my hands, my stomach, my chest, and my nose. I literally look as red as a fire truck. Today it was a little over 90 degrees in Santa Clarita, I think 89 of those degrees were just radiating off my body.

Needless to say now that I am home from work I'm going to jump in a cool bath, lather up with some Aloe Vera lotion, and partake in something that is a guilty pleasure I love.

Day 21- Thing I love to Do......Watch Reality Television.

Day 20- Where's The Beach!?

Day 20- Thing I Love to Do........Go to te beach!

Day 19- Accomplishments

If you had to sit there and think of all the things you've accomplished in your life, how long would your list be? Would it have only a few things on it, or would there be hundreds? There was a time when just getting out of bed was an accomplishment for me, but to someone else that's nothing. You see, what one person may see as something so little can be huge to someone else.

When I sat down to write a list of all the things I accomplished in my life, I was baffled. If I look at where I thought I would be at this stage of my life compared to where I actually am, I've accomplished nothing. I'm almost 28 years-old and I still live at home with my parents, I haven't started any kind of "real" career, I'm single, and I have no kids. This could be part of the reason for the depression and anxiety, but I'm not the only one that is in this place and feels this way. If I take a look around, there are so many of others in the same situation as me. Even when I look at my close circle of friends, none of us are married or have kids, and the only reason they have moved out is because their parents bought a house and rented it out to them. So there is no reason to feel unaccomplished.

After I thought about it though, I realized that just being alive was an accomplishment for me. As I mentioned before, I was born with a lot of health issues. When my parents found out I was going to be born different, the doctors told them that they shouldn't expect to bring a baby home. After I was born though, I was immediately hauled off to surgery to fix my stomach problem, but before they wheeled me off they told my dad that I would probably live, but that my right arm would fall off (it didn't). I survived. I ended up staying in the hospital for a little more than a month after I was born, but in that time they also had to do testing to determine if I was blind (clearly, I wasn't).

If that wasn't enough when I was 5 1/2 years-old I had to have open heart surgery to fix the hole in my heart. It was during that surgery that for a moment I literally died. I had to have the whole defibrillator, shock paddles, thing in order to be brought back to life. Then when I was 22 years-old having my second heart surgery, there was a moment again when my heart wouldn't start. This time I just needed a pacemaker put in, but TWICE my heart didn't want to start when it was suppose to. So for me, sitting here typing this blog right now is the greatest accomplishment of my life.

Some might say that it wasn't me doing anything, it was the doctors. You're right; If it wasn't for all my amazing doctors I definitely might not be here, but does that make me any less of a survivor? Does that make the part of me somewhere deep inside that has an enormous will to live any less powerful? The answer is no. Because it's not just the fact that I survived, it's the fact that I didn't let the reality that I was born different and with challenges define me. I could very easily play the "woe is me" and use it as an excuse of why I can't accomplish anything. I'll admit, there have been times in my life where I have asked, "Why me?" and I've felt sorry for myself. But so has everyone else; it's part of being human. I've learned though, that when we are in those moments it's important to look at where you've been and all the things you've overcome.

I recently wrote a list of all the things I've overcome and accomplished so far in my life. It wasn't easy to think of things and I even had to ask family and friends what they thought some of my accomplishments were. Now, however, I like to look at it every now and then just to get a reminder of how accomplished and amazing I really am. There are even times in the past that when I'm really down, I like to write on a piece of paper  before I go to bed all the things I've accomplished just that day. I then put it up on the wall where I'll see it the next morning and use it as motivated to try and add even more things to my list that night, and if I don't that's ok because I still tried.

I'm going to post my list and I challenge others to make their own list. Remember if you do decide to make one, it doesn't matter how big or small the accomplishment is, all that matters is that it's something that you set out as a goal to do and you did it.

All The Things I’ve Overcome/Accomplished in my Life:

1.) I am still alive even though the doctors when I was born did not think I would.

2.) I survived 2 open heart surgeries, both where my heart would not start again.

3.) I have had 12+ successful major surgeries.

4.) I worked hard to regain my stamina after my 2nd heart surgery.

5.) I never let my disabilities hold me back.

6.) I have maintained a core group of friends since elementary school.

7.) I played soccer for 10 years and even made the all star team a few times.

8.) I perfected my double spin in class to make the advance dance performance.

9.) I was on honor roll in both junior high, high school, and college. 

10.) Senior year of high school I worked, took honors classes, performed over 180 hours of medical internship, and graduated with a 3.5 GPA.

11.) I took extra classes to transfer college on time.

12.) I graduated college.

13.) I stood up to a teacher that was discriminating against me.

14.) I made the Dean’s list in college.

15.) I found 2 internships on my own and got them without anyone’s help or connections.

16.) I have been promoted at every single job I have had.

17.) I learned to drive very easily.

18.) I got 100% on my written driving test, and -4 on my driving test.

19.) I do not need any extra help to drive a car.

20.) I have managed my money fairly well.

21.) I don’t often feel sorry for myself because I was born different.

22.) I am a good Aunt to my 3 nieces.

23.) I taught our dog how to sit, stay, come, lay down, shake, and be potty trained all on my own.

24.) I have been able to get along much better now with my dad then when I was younger.

25.) I never lost motivation to find a new job when I was laid off.

26.) I admitted when my anxiety/depression was too much and I needed to get extra help.

27.) I joined a gym even though I never thought I would.

28.) I have rarely asked my parents for help in paying any of my bills.

29.) I traveled on a plane, out of the country by myself.

30.) I  allowed to be the first one to try a new procedure for back surgeries that is now used all the time.

Day 19- Thing I love to do........Hanging out with friends.

Day 18- My Favorite Show

I could watch Sex and the City every day and not get tired of it. I have every single episode on DVD, both movies, and even a board game. I've seen every episode at least 100 times; I could probably quote the entire series.

For me, I love watching the friendships. I can notice and relate them with people in my own life. The fashion is another thing I love, as well as the comedic factor. Or maybe it's my secret desire to be a writer like Carrie Bradshaw.

I don't fully understand why I love this show, but I do!

Day 18- Thing I love to do...... Watch Sex and the City.

Day 17- When Was The Last Time You Smiled?

Smiling. It seems like something so simple, but it can have extremely important effects. The average child smiles about 400 times a day, adults smile about 20 times a day. That is a huge difference! And the effects can be huge as well. Studies have shown that we actually start smiling while still in the womb, so we start to smile even before we know what it is.

There is a connection between our brains and when we smile. Every time we smile, it reduces stress hormones like adrenaline in our body, and it actually increases mood- enhancing hormones like endorphins. Maybe this is why children are often so much happier than adults? They have so many more happy hormones flying around in their body and brain, which in turn makes them genuinely happier.

Let me ask you something. If you knew you had to go up and talk to a specific person, would you feel better if when walking up to them they had no emotion on their face or would you feel better if they were smiling? Most people would say smiling. You see, when people have a happier way about their face (they have a smile) they often invite more people in and have more interaction with others. Human interaction is one of the key things we humans need in order to live a healthy life.

When I started therapy my therapist told me to smile more. She said it didn't matter if there was any actual reason to smile, just do it. She explained that by smiling it increases the "happy hormones," which in turn can actually make your brain start to believe you're happy. At first, I felt so fake and ridiculous. Why should I smile, I wasn't happy and I was convinced others would be able to tell. But I did it any way. After a few days I noticed a difference. I wouldn't say I was 100% the happiest person in the world, but I didn't feel so sad for no reason at all anymore.

So I challenge everyone today to smile at least once. It doesn't matter if there is a reason for it or not, just do it. If you feel like nothing happens, then fine, it was only a smile. But if it does make a difference, think of how amazing it will be knowing that if you ever need a pick me up all you have to do is smile. :)

Day 17- Thing I love to do.......Watch cute animal videos on YouTube.

Watch this video here and try not to smile.

Day 16- Here's Your Sign

Lately I've been thinking a lot about signs. Is there such a thing as signs, and if there are, where do they come from? Is it from God? Is it from our own brains? Or is it from some cosmic universe thing? Or is there no such thing as signs but simply coincidence? If you believe the same way as I do there is such a thing as signs. A lot of times they aren't obvious right at the exact moment they are happening, but when you look back you often realize there was something there all along pushing us in a certain direction. This might also be what people mean when they say "I just went with my gut."

For me, during these last few years dealing with anxiety and depression, I have been getting a lot of signs. Most of these are signs that it will get better if I just keep pushing through, and they come in the form of being exactly what I need to hear at just the right moment. I can think of 3 instances where this has happened.

The first was when I went to life group a few weeks ago. It had been a particularly rough week and my anxiety was really high for multiple days in a row. I really wasn't all there, so I felt like I needed to explain why to the group. I had mentioned to one other girl about my issues, but that was it. That night, before we left one of the other guys pulled me aside to give me a copy of a verse. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7)  I now have this piece of paper with this verse taped on my wall where I can see it every day. For me, this is exactly what I needed to hear. The few days prior I was so much in my head, thinking and concentrating on my anxiety and all the physical symptoms my anxiety was creating, I just couldn't get out of it. By reading the verse I realized what I needed to do. I needed to remember everything in my life that was good and that I was thankful for, and then think about what I needed at that exact moment to get out of the anxiety bubble I was in. The next morning when I woke up I said a prayer doing exactly what the verse told me to do, and over the next day or two I found my way out of the bubble.

The next instance where I was given exactly what I needed at the right moment was right before I started going to therapy. I was really nervous about it and was wondering if it was the right thing to do. It was then that I went on my Instagram and a friend of mine posted the daily horoscope for Gemini, which I am. It read You may be thinking that what you need now- given all of the issues you're dealing with- is a magic lamp or a genie in a bottle. You would love to be able to just make a wish and cause all your troubles to disappear. While it won't be quite that easy to clear your path of trouble and start anew with a clean slate, it will be a whole lot easier than you think. And you don't need a genie or magic lamp either- you already have all the magic you need, and it's right in your heart and your mind. It was then that I knew that it was the right thing to do. That it was going to be hard, but that I could do it, that all the power was in me to make the changes I wanted and needed to make.

The final time I got what I needed to hear was last night, and it came from the place I would have never expected it. I was putting on hand lotion before going to bed when I decided to read the tube. It says it has lavender and chamomile in it to relieve stress. The top saying on the back of the bottle reads She approaches life with a quiet sense of calm. Since all of this began, this is what I have been striving for. It is my ultimate goal on how I want to live my life, and I got the phrase from the back of a hand lotion bottle. I had been thinking lately on what my ultimate goal was, what I want my truth and my motto to be, and here it is.

If that's not a sign, I don't know what is?

Day 16- Thing I love to do......Download new music.

Day 15- Bucket List

Good Morning everyone!! Today I thought I would post my bucket list for everyone to see and read. I mentioned before that I not only created a love list, but a bucket list as well. I wanted to not only do something I love every day for the next year, but I also wanted to do things I have been wanting to do for awhile. Some of the things on the list I have done or seen before, but are things I would love to do or see again. So take a look and if there is anything anyone wants to do with me or could help me do, let me know. Enjoy!

BUCKET LIST

1.) Fall in love.

2.) Get married.

3.) Adopt a child.

4.) Adopt a rescue dog.

5.) Own a pug.

6.) Own a corgi.

7.) Volunteer at an animal shelter.

8.) Take a cooking class.

9.) Try a vegetarian diet for a month.

10.) Try a vegan diet for a month.

11.) Run a 5K race.

12.) Own a Bible.

13.) Be Baptized.

14.) Be in a music video.

15.) Go see a taping of the Ellen show with my mom.

16.) Send my parents on vacation.

17.) Buy my own home.

18.) Visit these places in the United States: Forks, WA; Salt Lake City, UT; Denver, CO; Dallas, TX; Rapid City, SD; New Orleans, LA; Nashville, TN; Chicago, IL; Miami, FL; Orlando, FL; Atlanta, GA; Charleston, SC; Wilmington, NC; Richmond, VA; Washington, D.C.; Baltimore, MD; New York, NY; Seaside, NJ; Boston, MA; Portland, ME; Maui, HW; Zion Park, UT; Palm Springs, CA.

19.) Visit these places in Canada: Vancouver, BC; Calgary, Alberta.

20.) Visit these places in Europe: Dublin, Ireland; London, England; Stockholm, Sweden; Paris, France; All of Italy; Athens, Greece; Croatia; Madrid, Spain;  Istanbul, Turkey; Amsterdam; Berlin, Germany.

21.) Go to Australia and New Zealand. 

22.) Pay off all my debt.

23.) Get my Master’s Degree.

24.) Get a job out of retail.

25.) Go to a Montreal Canadians' Hockey game with my Canadian family.

26.) Read every book on my book shelf.

27.) Take a hip hop dance class.

28.) Take a creative writing class.

29.) Plant a vegetable garden.

30.) Watch every episode of How I Met Your Mother.

31.) Go to a Bachelorette party.

32.) Be in a friend’s wedding.

33.) See these musicians in concert: Adele, All Time Low, The Band Perry, The Beach Boys, Blake Shelton, Brand New, Bruno Mars, The Cab, Calving Harris, Carrie Underwood, Colbie Calliat, Death Cab for Cutie, Dierks Bently, Ed Sheeran, Eli Young Band, Ellie Goulding, Faith Hill, Fall Out Boy, Florence and the Machine, Florida Georgia Line, Foster the People, Gavin Degraw, Hunter Hayes, Imagine Dragons, Jason Aldean, Jason Marz, John Mayer, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, Keith Urban, Kings of Leon, Luke Bryan, Maroon 5, Mark Ballas, Mumford and Sons, New Found Glory, New Kids on the Block, Of Monsters and Men, One Direction, OneRepublic, Parachute, Phil Wickham, Phillip Phillips, Rascal Flatts, Senses Fail, Snow Patrol, Taking Back Sunday, The Summer Set, Taylor Swift, Tim McGraw.

34.) Watch my nieces graduate college.

35.) Donate to homeless shelters.

36.) Volunteer at a hospital.

37.) Pay for someone’s order behind me.

38.) Bring food to the homeless in Venice.

39.) See a Broadway show.

40.) Visit the Statue of Liberty.

41.) Visit the White House.

42.) Watch my younger brother get married.

43.) Learn to cook my mom’s favorite meal.

44.) Throw my parents a 40th wedding anniversary party.

45.) Go see a taping of Dancing with the Stars.

46.) Go on a cruise.

47.) Swim with dolphins.

48.) Leave gift cards on random strangers cars.

49.) Go to a movie premiere.

50.) Go to Atlantis.

51.) Have a song written about me.

52.) Write in a journal for an entire year.

53.) Help someone in need.

54.) Meet Justin Timberlake.

55.) Get a massage.

56.) Get a facial.

57.) Have a spa weekend.

58.) Go on a night cruise.

59.) Camp at the beach.

60.) Camp in the woods.

61.) See Circus Solei Love Beatles in Vegas.

62.) See a professional football game.

63.) Go to Disneyworld in Florida.

64.) Go to Universal Studios in Florida.

65.) Go to Harry Potter world.

66.) Take a surfing lesson.

67.) Read the entire Bible.

68.) Own all my favorite Disney Movies:  Toy Story, Monsters Inc, Tangled, Winnie the Pooh, Enchanted, Hercules, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Finding Nemo, Peter Pan, Mulan, The Princess Diaries, Freaky Friday, 101 Dalmatians, Lilo & Stitch, The Santa Clause, Angeles in the outfield, A Bugs Life, Beauty & The Beast, The Mighty Duck 1,2 &3, A Goofy Movie, Hocus Pocus, Aladdin, Oliver & Company

69.) Skydive.

70.) Hike Runyon Canyon.

71.) Hike Towsley Canyon.

72.) Hike the Waterfalls in Fillmore.

73.) Go on a waterfall hike in Hawaii.

74.) Swim in a waterfall in Hawaii.

75.)Meet Taylor Swift.

76.) Go off roading in Hawaii.

77.) Go to a professional basketball game.

78.) Inspire someone.

79.) Go to a professional soccer game.

80.) Do a color run.

81.) Get duel citizenship.

82.) Go to Catalina Island.

83.) Stay on a house boat.

84.) Take a Hollywood bus tour.

85.) Go on a tour bus.

86.) Be side stage at a concert.

87.) Get backstage tickets to a concert.

88.) Live in Orange County.

89.) Go to the US Open of Surfing.

90.) Go to a beach volleyball game.

91.) Go to an art show/art gallery.

92.) Give blood.

93.) Have my entire family over to my own house for Thanksgiving.

94.) Have my entire family over to my own house for Christmas.

95.) Have a pen pal who is initially a complete stranger.

96.) Take pictures in a photo booth.

97.) Spend a day on the lake in a boat.

98.) Work at a job that involves music.

99.) Save someones life.

100.) Witness a miracle.

101.) Ride on the back of a motorcycle.

102.) Go to San Diego Safari Park.

103.) Get acupuncture.

104.) See the Northern lights.

105.) Go ice fishing.

106.) Go to the Caribbean.

107.) Go to Cinespia (Movies in Cemetery).

108.) Go to Aquarium of the Pacific.

109.) Go to Stagecoach. 

110.) Go to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

111.) Zip Line Down Fremont Street in Las Vegas.
112.) Write a message in a bottle and throwing it in the ocean.
113.) Cut down my own Christmas tree.
114.) Go to a beach in South Carolina.
115.) Meet Gavin Degraw.
116.) Sit front row at a professional hockey game.
117.) Sit behind the bench at a professional hockey game.
118.) Go to Church on Easter Sunday.
119.) Go to Church Christmas Eve.
120.) Go to Time's Square on New Years Eve.
121.) Spend Christmas in New York.
122.) See the Rose Parade in person.
123.) Work on the Rose Parade floats.
124.) Go in a hot air balloon.
125.) Go to Tahiti.
126.) Kiss in the rain.
127.) Spend Christmas in Vancouver, in a cabin, with my family.
128.)Swim with turtles in the ocean.
129.) Have my picture at Platform 9 3/4 in England.
130.) Stay in an ice hotel.
131.) Go to Bora Bora.
132.) Kiss under the mistletoe.
133.) Make a wish in the Trevi Fountain.
134.) Sleep in an overnight train.
135.) Go to an ice bar.

Day 14- Who is Your Best Friend?

Well, the vacation is over. We got home this afternoon and unpacked and did some chores. It was nice to get away, relax, and spend some time with family. Tomorrow though, its back to work, back to the routine, and back to reality. I'm lucky though that part of my routine and reality is spending time with my sister-in-law. Today is actually her birthday and I am so thankful for the day she was born. I can honestly say I don't know where I would be without her, especially recently. Growing up I had 2 brothers (and I love both of them), but every girl wishes for a sister. Someone to share clothes, secrets, and experiences with. We don't share clothes very often, but we do share the other stuff.

My older brother is 13 years older than me, so I don't actually have a lot of memories of growing up in the same house with him. By the time I was old enough to have vivid memories, 7-8 years-old, he was off at college. He got married a year after he graduated and lived in northern California for a while. After that he and his family moved to Orange County, and finally settled in their home now about 7 years ago. They actually live 10 minutes away.

My sister-in-law is 10 years older than me, so growing up we didn't have too much in common. While I was learning to drive she was on her second child. I always liked her and enjoyed hanging out with her, we were just at different points in our lives. It wasn't until 5 years ago when everything changed. I know most people will think this is crazy, but the thing that brought me and my sister-in-law together was Twilight. After reading the first Twilight book over Thanksgiving weekend, she asked me to go see the movie with her. After that I soon got the books and we both read them. It finally gave us something in common.

After this it was like the flood gates opened. We started talking about all kinds of stuff, hanging out outside of family functions, and becoming friends. I think minus my mom she is probably the person I am closest to in my life. I have shared things with her that I haven't with others, I always want to get her advice and vent to her, and she is on my list of people I have to tell whenever something good or bad happens. If someone were to ask me who my best friend is I would say her without thinking twice about it.

These last few years that I have been dealing with all of my issues she has without a doubt been a huge part of my support system. I can't even tell you how many hours I have spent crying to her and talking things through with her. She is my therapist in between therapy sessions.

So, to my wonderful sister-in-law, I am so grateful for you. My brother could not have picked a better sister for me to have. Love you!

Day 14: Thing I love to do.........Watching Tyson Play.

Day 13- Thirsty Anyone?

Day 13- Thing I love to do...... Have a Diet Coke

Day 12- I Just Gotta Shop!

Day 12- Thing I love to do...... Go shopping!!

Day 11- This is What I KNOW

Today a lot of the day was spent driving in the car. My parents and I drove to Phoenix, AZ which is about a 6 1/2 hour drive from our house in California. The purpose of the trip is to go visit my grandparents there. They are originally from Montreal, Canada but they wanted a break from the cold weather, so they are staying at my aunt’s condo for a month. Sometimes it’s hard to believe when it’s 80 degrees and sunny at my house, my relatives in Canada are still wearing their winter jackets.

This trip has given me a little anxiety the last few weeks. Last year around the same time my parents and I went on this exact same trip to visit my grandparents. At that time my anxiety was definitely very much an issue. I hadn’t really done anything at that point to try and control it. My only defense was to try and relax and not think about things that were giving me anxiety. Naturally, I was worrying about wether or not I would enjoy the trip, if my grandparents could tell that I was anxious, and if my dog would be okay staying with just my brother. Needless to say my anxiety was without a doubt heightened, but it wasn’t as high as I thought it would be. So, why am I still anxious about this trip?

Last week before I left I brought up these worries with my therapist. She told me to think about how last years trip is different from this years trip. She told me not to just think of things that may be different, but things that I KNOW are different. I KNOW that this years I was going with better coping tools than I did last year. I’ve put in a lot of work, especially these last few months, in gaining some coping skills; things like: breathing techniques, my love list, and mindfulness. I also KNOW I am a lot more honest with myself and others about my struggles than I was last year.

My grandma worries quite a bit (which may be where I get it from). We often don’t tell her the whole truth on things, just need to know basis. The way we look at it is no need to worry her when it’s not necessary. Just like last year, I’m little worried to see how much will she pick up on. I was so willing to be honest and open with everyone on my Facebook and instagram with my struggles, I need to be honest with her. Who knows, maybe instead of worrying she will be really proud, she will be able to relate, or she could offer advice? Finally, I KNOW that even if I have anxiety I will have a good time because I did last year. So no matter what I will enjoy some part of this trip if not all of it.

The thing I have learned that when it comes to anxiety and depression our minds like to tell us lies. They make us believe things that aren’t necessarily true. Things like: if I don’t get this job my life is ruined, if I don’t get a hold of this anxiety I will go crazy, I’m not worth it, and things are hopeless. This has been one of the hardest things for me. To realize the tricks and lies my mind are telling me are not true. It is when I take a real deep look at the things that I KNOW ARE TRUE, then I can turn those lies into truths. I know that if I don’t get that job my life isn’t ruined, it means something better is out there; this issue of anxiety won’t make me go crazy, it will make me stronger because I’ll learn I can handle anything; I am worth it because there are people in my life who believe I am; and things are not hopeless, there are resources out there that can and will help.

So I challenge everyone out there to write out 3 truths about themselves and their life that they KNOW are true, so that whenever your mind makes you have doubts and believe the lies, you can remember what you know and turn those lies into truth. Here is what I KNOW:

1.)  I am a strong and hard-working person who can succeed at anything I put my mind to and work for.

2.) This issue with anxiety and depression is just a phase and I will come out the other side a happier and healthier person.

3.) I have an amazing support system in my family, friends, and doctors that anyone would be lucky to have and can get through anything with.

Day 11- Thing I love to do........Driving. 

Day 10- Life Group

Sorry for only posting a photo yesterday. Part of it was because I was making sure I knew how to use the app on my phone. Tomorrow my parents and I are going to Arizona to visit my grandparents for 4 days. I'm not sure if I'll have internet access with my computer so I wanted to make sure I knew how to at least post a photo (because I'm committed to posting something every day).

I also posted just a photo because I had a pretty crummy day yesterday. I woke up exhausted even though I slept pretty good, which usually is a sign that I'm getting ready to get sick. I also pulled a muscle in my calf from working out too hard and could barely walk. It is still hurting pretty bad today and I'm limping around. So all I wanted to do yesterday after getting home from work is lay in bed and watch TV. But at that point I knew I hadn't posted anything yet, nor had I done something off my love list, so I combined my wants at that moment with the promise I made myself. And it felt good that even though I had a crummy day I still did something important to me.

So, even though my leg is still killing me and I have packing for my trip to do, I'm going to take a few hours out of all that and do something I look forward to all week. I'm going to life group. Never did I think I would enjoy it, but I truly do. It is such a positive and supportive environment. It came at a time right when I needed it. But I'll dive into more in another post. Off to Life Group I go. :)

Day 10- Thing I love.....Go to Life Group.

Day 9- House Hunters

Day 9- Thing I love to do...... Watch House Hunters

Day 8- Commitment

The next few days my posts will not be as long as the previous 7 because the next few days will be extremely busy. Not only do I have work, I'm applying for hopefully a new job, I have Life Group, and I'm getting ready to go on vacation this week!!

When I started this project though, I made a commitment to myself that I would do something every day I love and post it. It didn't matter how little it was, I just had to do it because I made a commitment. I know if I missed a post, especially this early on, I would be disappointed. I also think it might make me less motivated. So even though this post is very short compared to the others I'm still making one, which makes me feel good.

Day 8- Thing I love to do......Go on a walk with my mom and my dog, Tyson.

P.S. I also want to wish my aunt whose birthday is today a very Happy Birthday......I know you're reading this. :) Love you!!

Day 7- Hello God, It's Me, Are You Out There?

I know for a lot of people religion is a touchy subject, but I'm going to talk about it anyway. For most of my life I grew up without any kind of religion at all. My dad never grew up with it and my mom went to Catholic school from kindergarten through high school plus church on Sundays. So by the time she was finally living on her own she was kind of burnt out on church. When I was born my parents did baptize me Catholic, but that was far as it went. I can honestly say the first time I remember being in a church was when I was 8 years-old when my aunt got married in one. After that I went to church when my older brother got married, when another aunt got married, and then anytime we would visit my grandparents in Canada.

It wasn't until I was about 19 years-old that I started going to church out of my own free will. My older brother found Christianity and started going to church in high school with a few of his friends from the track team. He eventually went to a Christian college where he met his now wife. When I was a teenager my brother, his wife, and my oldest niece moved to Orange County. When my parents finally felt like I proved I could safely drive outside of our own town, I would randomly go spend the weekend in Orange County with them. I knew they went to church on Sundays and that if I would be going to spend the weekend with them I would have to go to church too. It didn't bother me. It wasn't something I necessarily felt 100% comfortable with, but I could do it.

The truth is for most of my life I was an atheist. The whole idea of God and religion seemed so unrealistic to me. For someone who was born with so many health issues and medicine and science being there for me, I believed in science. The big bang theory, evolution; it all seemed like clear facts to me. Since I had always been a "see it to believe it" type of person the fact that no one had ever "seen" God, how could He exist? Even though this is what I believed I still had doubts, or possibly hope, in the back of my head that God and Heaven were real. So maybe my view was agnostic, not atheist. And then my blockage happened.

It was almost exactly 3 weeks after my blockage happened that God came into my life. At this point my anxiety was really high. I couldn't relax at all, I was nausea all the time and could barely eat, I had an on edge feeling all the time, I felt like my skin was crawling constantly, I couldn't be left alone without panicking, and almost every 30 minutes or so I would just start crying for no reason. My sister-in-law came over to hangout with me and talk to me. She asked me if the next day I wanted to go with her and the rest of her family to the evening service at Real Life Church. At this point I was ready to try anything.

The next night we all went and that was when everything changed (I will always remember the date which was September 11, 2011). For the first time in almost 3 weeks I was able to relax for an entire hour. I was able to think about something else and focus on something else. I felt calm, I felt like myself. It was after that service that I knew I wanted to go back. But because the majority of my life I didn't grow up with church or necessarily believe in God, I wasn't very consistent with it. Eventually though I became more diligent with it. My mom started coming with me, my mom's best friend came with me, even my dad has come a few times. It's definitely brought me closer to not only them by giving us things to talk about, it's brought me closer to my older brother and his family, got me closer to a few friends, and helped me to make new friends.

It is also responsible for me starting this blog. In religion you often hear how God has a plan for all of us. Here is the series of events that happened and what I think God's plan for me may have been: I got the blockage in my small intestines, I developed large amounts of anxiety, having anxiety made me agree to go to Real Life Church, I felt calm my first time there which made me want to keep going, I bounded with my family more because of church, after months of dealing with anxiety I decided to seek out a therapist, that weekend church announced their first series for the new year was about getting rid of bad habits from 2012, that first service they talked about care groups, there weren't any care groups at the time so I decided to join a Life group, in my Life group was another young girl who has dealt with similar things as me, I wasn't liking my therapist so I looked at the Care Groups again and found out the therapist who lead the depression/anxiety group, I made an appointment with her, she told me about love lists, I created my love list and came up with the idea for a blog, 7 days ago I started this blog,..........and now who knows where this will go.

I can say that even though I still have my doubts about wether or not God is real, which means I'm human, I can honestly say my life seems fuller and better since I've started welcoming religion and Him into my life. Since I now realize that this could have been God's plan all along, I'm not as angry or upset about the blockage in my intestines. I've made peace with it, and that is one huge step in finally getting over this.

If you would have told me 2 years ago I would be going to church regularly, reading the Bible, considering getting baptized, or would have been writing a blog like this I would have told you you were crazy. I know religion isn't the cure for anxiety because clearly I'm still dealing with it, but to me it has really helped and become important to me. And remember if it's important to you, it matters.

Day 7- Thing I love to do........Go to church.

Day 6- Love List

Good Morning! Today I have decided to post my love list so everyone can see what inspired this entire project as well as maybe a jumping off point for others to get some ideas to make their own love list.

Basically, a love list is a list of this you love to do. It doesn't matter how big or small the thing is or whether or not it's something everyone else loves too. Remember if it matters to you, then it's important. I have 2 separate copies of my love list. One is on my computer so that I can keep adding to it when I get ideas, the other is on my wall next to my closet. I hope as I go through this process I find new things I love. As of right now I have 105 items on my love list. Initially I wanted to try and get 365 things, one I can do each day, but I quickly learned that just isn't realistic. Plus who says I can only do things on my love list once. If I want to go to the beach once a week instead of once a year I can, because it's something I love to do.

The thing to remember is a love list is a list of things you love. So make it brightly colored, filled with pictures, and in a visible place. The thing to remember is this list is suppose to inspire happiness, joy, and LOVE. It should be made individually and specifically for you. If you do decided to make a list and you can only think of a few things then that's OK. Or if you decided to only use your love list on days you're feeling down or had a bad day, that's fine too. I just took it a step farther because I felt I needed to and it was import to me. So, feel free to copy and try out some of my ideas, share any new ones you might think of, or send me a message or text if you want to do something with me. Remember, it's all about changing your mind and your perspective to create happiness and love.

Note: My love list on my computer and my wall has tons of pictures on it of family and friends, I just took the pictures off on here to protect people's privacy.

Love List

1.) Going to the beach.

2.) Spending time with my family.

3.) Running errands with my mom.

4.) Laying on the couch, watching t.v. with my mom.

5.) Watching the Ellen show.

6.) Cuddle time with Tyson.

7.) Going for a walk at night with my mom and Tyson.

8.) Going shopping with friends.

9.) Going to the gym with Dionne.

10.) Movie nights with Wes & Dionne.

11.) Getting a pedicure.

12.) Laying in the front yard with Tyson.                                         

13.) Laying on a float in the pool.

14.) Reading a book in the pool. 

15.) Laying on the swing at night in the summer time.

16.) Going ice skating.

17.) Going to dinner with friends.

18.) Having a movie night in with friends.

19.) Downloading new music.

20.) Making a new music playlist for the ipod.

21.) Watching Tyson play.

22.) Cleaning and organizing something.

23.) Watching old home movies.

24.) Disneyland.

25.) Going to church.

26.) Getting my hair done.

27.) Reading Greek mythology.

28.) Hanging out with my nieces.

29.) Going to a concert.

30.) Listening to country music.

31.) Going for a hike.

32.) Driving.

33.) Driving on PCH with the windows down.

34.) Hanging out with friends.

35.) Fred’s Mexican Food restaurant.

36.) Painting.

37.) Playing with animals.

38.) Taking an afternoon nap.

39.) Eating Birthday Cake flavored ice cream.

40.) Writing.

41.)  Giving my parents a hug.

42.) Talking to my Auntie Lysa.

43.) Justin Timberlake.

44.) Taylor Swift.

45.) In’ N’ Out Burger.

46.) Going to San Diego.

47.) Talking to my cousins in Canada.

48.) Twilight.

49.) Harry Potter.

50.) Petting my nieces dog, Columbus.

51.) Spending time with my Sister-in-law.

52.) Going to the gym.

53.) Watching House Hunters on television.

54.) Looking at old pictures.

55.) Going on a vacation.

56.) Going to see Christmas lights.

57.) Decorating for Halloween.

58.) Playing board games.

59.) Watching television.

60.) Listening to music.

61.) Doing laundry.

62.) Reading a magazine on the beach.

63.) Going to the Americana’s in Glendale.

64.) Going to a book store and looking at all the books. 

65.) Dancing.

66.) Texting friends.

67.) Watching The Holiday with my mom on Christmas Eve.

68.) Talking to Melissa.

69.) Talking to Andrea.

70.) Talking to Nanny & Papa.

71.) Watch a funny movie.

72.) Go on a bike ride.

73.) Watch videos on my phone.

74.) Buy flowers.

75.) Watch Proposal videos on YouTube.

76.) Watch Greek.

77.) Meditate.

78.) Catching up with old friends.

79.) Go see model homes.

80.) Have someone sleep in bed with me.

81.) Go to Pasadena.

82.) Eat potato chips.

83.) Have a Diet Coke.

84.) Eat Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

85.) Going to the movies.

86.) Taking a nap on the swing outside.

87.) Laying outside in the sun and listening to ocean sounds.

88.) Putting together new outfits to wear.

89.) Doing something creative.

90.) Watching cute animal videos on YouTube.

91.) Watching Animal Planet.

92.) Snuggling on the couch and watching a movie on a rainy day.

93.) Opening my window and listening to the rain.

94.) Wrapping presents.

95.) Going to Orange County.

96.) Sitting in the sun.

97.) Watching reality television.

98.) Eating my mom’s homemade cheesecake.

99.) Having a bonfire.

100.) Cleaning my car.

101.) Go to the zoo.

102.) Getting a good night sleep.

103.) Watching Sex and the City.

104.) Watching How I Met Your Mother.

105.) Cleaning my room.

Day 6- Thing I love to do........Sit in the sun.