How many of you out there are your own worst critic? I know I definitely am. I told you yesterday that a big problem of mine is that I never seem to give myself enough credit. A lot of it, I think, is because I set such high standards for myself that when I don't meet them I get disappointed. This can eventually lead into thoughts of "I'm not good enough" or "I'll never be able to get to my standards."
One prime example of this is my battle with anxiety. I thought I would be able to get over it in no time. I had heard other people who had, so I should be able to do that also. I had always bounced back so well from all my surgeries as a kid, I figured this would be the same. I thought this whole process to take only a few weeks. When it didn't I felt defeated. I felt like nothing I did would help and that there wasn't much I could do. I wasn't acknowledging all the little steps I had been making. In a way, I was working with an all or nothing mentality.
I wish I could say that I've over come the habit of being hard on myself, but I haven't. I have, though, tried harder to look at things in a perspective of realistic vs. unrealistic. A case would be that I knew going into my new job it would have been unrealistic to not have questions. I would ask questions. So if I had to ask 100 questions that was going to be fine. By knowing that going into my first day, I didn't walk away at the end of that day feeling dumb and unqualified.
I have also learned to be more forgiving of myself. I can't tell you what the shift for this has been, but I think a lot of it has come from my new perspective on religion and God. If you have ever read the Bible, gone to church, or just learned about any of the concepts of Christianity you know that God knows that as humans we aren't perfect. He knows that we are going to sin and make mistakes, but as long as we love Him and believe in Him, all our mistakes will be forgiven. So if He can forgive me when I take a few stumbles or have set backs, why can't I?
I challenge you to try, for just one day, to not be hard on yourself and give credit where you can. Wake up in the morning and write down everything you need or want to accomplish that day. Are they realistic? If not, change them so thy are. Then at the end of the night, look back on this. If there were things you messed up or didn't reach, that's okay. If you forgive yourself, then you allow yourself to try again the next day. The best way we can take steps forward is by kindness and understanding, and if you can give yourself those things there is nothing better.
Day 22- Words of Wisdom.... "There is no need to have to prove anything to anyone else." AND "Learn from life's low moments." AND "Say 'please' and 'thank you' liberally."
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Day 121- How Do You Take A Compliment?
One big thing I have had to learn is how to accept a compliment. I'm still not great at it, but I'm getting better. For a long time, if I was ever given a compliment I would hear it, but I would never truly take it in. I think a lot of people do this. When we don't accept a compliment we are actually doing a lot more harm to ourselves then we might realize.
In our society, we tend to be super critical and hard on ourselves. Part of this has to do with always comparing ourselves to the images and standards we see in the media. We never think we are good enough, pretty enough, successful enough, etc. So when we actually receive positive criticism, we think the person must either be wrong or lying; or even worse they could be telling us this because they see something that makes them feel sorry for us.
When we don't accept a compliment we are actually putting ourselves down. For me, this is what I did most often. The problem was that I wouldn't believe the compliment because I would compare myself to the person I thought I should and wanted to be. During this process I would hear from friends, family, and my therapist that I seemed to be handling things well and that I was making progress. I wasn't, however, handling it as well or making as much progress as I wanted or thought I should have. Since I believed this, I would tell myself I wasn't doing well or progressing fast enough. I simply wasn't giving myself enough credit, which in turn was putting myself down.
Another thing I was doing by not accepting the compliment was putting fourth the idea that the person giving me the compliment was a liar. Even though I wouldn't directly tell the person that, but by not telling them thank you or making it into a joke (which I would do by laughing and jokingly say things like "Shut up" or "Be quiet") I was risking the possibility of offending them. I was putting out the idea that I didn't take them seriously. Other things that not accepting a compliment can cause is pointing out your weakness instead, and diverting compliments to someone else who may be not as deserving.
So how do we learn to accept a compliment? One of the first ways is to simply say "Thank you," and nothing else. Don't add anything else into it, that way you won't have the chance to offend, divert, or point out weakness. Also, accept your achievements. Most people take responsibility when we mess something up, so start taking responsibility when something goes right. You also have to remember that a compliment is like a present. They didn't have to give it, but you probably did something to earn it. By not accepting this present, it is just plain rude.
Ultimately, by learning to accept a compliment you will be boosting your self-esteem and self-worth.
So, to anyone reading this, you are amazing!! Your ability to give continued support through this journey of mine has been a true sign to of what a caring, faithful, and devoted person you are. If everyone going through problems with anxiety and depression had someone like you in their life, there wouldn't be such an epidemic right now. You, friend, are truly making a difference in my life. Keep it up! And thank you.
Day 121- Words of Wisdom.... "Face the truth." AND "Take criticism and praise with equal grace."
In our society, we tend to be super critical and hard on ourselves. Part of this has to do with always comparing ourselves to the images and standards we see in the media. We never think we are good enough, pretty enough, successful enough, etc. So when we actually receive positive criticism, we think the person must either be wrong or lying; or even worse they could be telling us this because they see something that makes them feel sorry for us.
When we don't accept a compliment we are actually putting ourselves down. For me, this is what I did most often. The problem was that I wouldn't believe the compliment because I would compare myself to the person I thought I should and wanted to be. During this process I would hear from friends, family, and my therapist that I seemed to be handling things well and that I was making progress. I wasn't, however, handling it as well or making as much progress as I wanted or thought I should have. Since I believed this, I would tell myself I wasn't doing well or progressing fast enough. I simply wasn't giving myself enough credit, which in turn was putting myself down.
Another thing I was doing by not accepting the compliment was putting fourth the idea that the person giving me the compliment was a liar. Even though I wouldn't directly tell the person that, but by not telling them thank you or making it into a joke (which I would do by laughing and jokingly say things like "Shut up" or "Be quiet") I was risking the possibility of offending them. I was putting out the idea that I didn't take them seriously. Other things that not accepting a compliment can cause is pointing out your weakness instead, and diverting compliments to someone else who may be not as deserving.
So how do we learn to accept a compliment? One of the first ways is to simply say "Thank you," and nothing else. Don't add anything else into it, that way you won't have the chance to offend, divert, or point out weakness. Also, accept your achievements. Most people take responsibility when we mess something up, so start taking responsibility when something goes right. You also have to remember that a compliment is like a present. They didn't have to give it, but you probably did something to earn it. By not accepting this present, it is just plain rude.
Ultimately, by learning to accept a compliment you will be boosting your self-esteem and self-worth.
So, to anyone reading this, you are amazing!! Your ability to give continued support through this journey of mine has been a true sign to of what a caring, faithful, and devoted person you are. If everyone going through problems with anxiety and depression had someone like you in their life, there wouldn't be such an epidemic right now. You, friend, are truly making a difference in my life. Keep it up! And thank you.
Day 121- Words of Wisdom.... "Face the truth." AND "Take criticism and praise with equal grace."
Monday, July 29, 2013
Day 120- I'm a Big Girl Now!
Today I had my first shift at my new job, all by myself. I didn't have my trainer I had with me all last week. From my perspective, it went fairly well. I had a few people tell me that I was doing a really good job. They have all been very open to helping me when I do have questions, and they have all been giving me pointers. Nothing so far has made me go, "What did I get myself into?!" I know it will still take a few weeks to get into my own groove, but so far so good. Which is such a relief!!
The funny thing is, I know for a lot of people starting a new job in a completely new field could give a lot of stress and anxiety. This type of situation doesn't do that for me. Of course I was a little nervous the last week at times, which is normal for most people, but nothing like the anxiety I have developed in the past. For me, it is my own safety and health, as well as the safety and health of my loved ones, that triggers my anxiety. I think knowing this, the type of things and situations that can trigger my anxiety, that made me not stress about this job transition. Knowing that I could handle this because I have done so in the past, presented a calming effect in me.
That's one thing that is extremely important, identifying your triggers. That way you can begin to learn ways to cope, and you will realize all the things that you don't worry about. Once you can pinpoint this, it will make everything seem less overwhelming; as well as help to lessen the stress in other areas and not cause you to create a new anxiety.
Day 120- Words of Wisdom.... "A good book can change a person's life." AND "Your image of yourself is different in your mind than in the minds of others." AND "Catch a good sunset from time to time."
The funny thing is, I know for a lot of people starting a new job in a completely new field could give a lot of stress and anxiety. This type of situation doesn't do that for me. Of course I was a little nervous the last week at times, which is normal for most people, but nothing like the anxiety I have developed in the past. For me, it is my own safety and health, as well as the safety and health of my loved ones, that triggers my anxiety. I think knowing this, the type of things and situations that can trigger my anxiety, that made me not stress about this job transition. Knowing that I could handle this because I have done so in the past, presented a calming effect in me.
That's one thing that is extremely important, identifying your triggers. That way you can begin to learn ways to cope, and you will realize all the things that you don't worry about. Once you can pinpoint this, it will make everything seem less overwhelming; as well as help to lessen the stress in other areas and not cause you to create a new anxiety.
Day 120- Words of Wisdom.... "A good book can change a person's life." AND "Your image of yourself is different in your mind than in the minds of others." AND "Catch a good sunset from time to time."
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Day 119- A New Routine
Tomorrow starts my first day as a Monday thru Friday, 8-5, working person. Part of the reason I really wanted to make a change to this job is because I'm looking forward to this routine. In the last few years of this process, I've realized how much of a type A, creature of habit, borderline OCD, type of person I am. By having a schedule and staying organized I think I feel more balanced and less stressed. Waking up at the same time every morning and going to work in the morning; then coming home, having dinner, getting ready for the next day, and then going to bed around the same time each day is something that is necessary to help keep my sanity and feel good.... Let's see if it does.
Day 119- Words of Wisdom.... " It is up to you to make your life great." AND "See magic in the mundane." AND " Children gravitate to gentle souls."
Day 119- Words of Wisdom.... " It is up to you to make your life great." AND "See magic in the mundane." AND " Children gravitate to gentle souls."
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Day 118- No More Retail!!!
I am officially all done with retail!!!! I'm just getting home from my last shift. Now I know you should never say never, but I plan on NEVER going back. Don't get me wrong, some of the most fun I have had in my life has been while working at all the stores I worked at. All together I spent a total of 9 years in retail and worked at 5 different stores. I have met friends I will have for the rest of my life, learned a lot of both professionally and personally, and grown up overall.
Out of the 5 stores, Tilly's and Pacsun were the absolute best. I have so many memories from both stores while at work and outside of work. I use to say I never needed to go away to college, I worked at Tilly's. This is where I met friends for life, went to a lot of parties, and learned a lot about life and myself. And as much as I hated retail, I loved going to work when I worked at Pacsun. I basically got paid to go hangout with my best friends there. If the specific store I had worked at hadn't closed down, I probably would still work there.
As happy as I am to move on, I am a little nervous. When you have been in the same job field for so long and been good at it, it's scary to try something new that you've have very little experience in. I'm ready for the change though. As much as I loved working in an environment that let me meet new people every day and with one of my favorite things, clothes, it was necessary. I was tired of working nights, weekends, and holidays. I was tired of being on such a different schedule than my family and friends. But mostly I was tired of not being paid what I thought I deserved, or appreciated like I should have been.
It's going to be scary for awhile, but I'm ready!
Day 118- Words of Wisdom.... "A change of scenery makes for good health." AND "Welcome change." AND "Those who look up see the stars."
Out of the 5 stores, Tilly's and Pacsun were the absolute best. I have so many memories from both stores while at work and outside of work. I use to say I never needed to go away to college, I worked at Tilly's. This is where I met friends for life, went to a lot of parties, and learned a lot about life and myself. And as much as I hated retail, I loved going to work when I worked at Pacsun. I basically got paid to go hangout with my best friends there. If the specific store I had worked at hadn't closed down, I probably would still work there.
As happy as I am to move on, I am a little nervous. When you have been in the same job field for so long and been good at it, it's scary to try something new that you've have very little experience in. I'm ready for the change though. As much as I loved working in an environment that let me meet new people every day and with one of my favorite things, clothes, it was necessary. I was tired of working nights, weekends, and holidays. I was tired of being on such a different schedule than my family and friends. But mostly I was tired of not being paid what I thought I deserved, or appreciated like I should have been.
It's going to be scary for awhile, but I'm ready!
Day 118- Words of Wisdom.... "A change of scenery makes for good health." AND "Welcome change." AND "Those who look up see the stars."
Friday, July 26, 2013
Day 117- I Survived!
My week of working 2 jobs and a bunch of hours each day has finally come to a close. Tomorrow will be my last retail shift, and then come Monday morning I will officially be a big girl!!
Now, to go catch up on some much needed rest!!
Day 117- Words of Wisdom.... "Assume that everything that happens to you does so for some good." AND "With no winter the spring would not be so pleasant." AND "Miracles do happen." AND "Life goes in cycles between happiness and sadness."
Now, to go catch up on some much needed rest!!
Day 117- Words of Wisdom.... "Assume that everything that happens to you does so for some good." AND "With no winter the spring would not be so pleasant." AND "Miracles do happen." AND "Life goes in cycles between happiness and sadness."
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Day 116- All By Myself
Tonight is the first night in almost two years that I will spend it away from my parents. Every since I got sick and put into the hospital, one of my biggest issues I've had to deal with is being by myself. My parents have been my safety blanket and security for these past years while I've been dealing with my issues. I think a main reason why I have a hard being alone is because on the first day that I started having symptoms for my bowel obstruction, I was by myself. My entire family was at work. I remember sitting there in the worst pain of my life, dry heaving every few seconds, and there was no one there to help.
If I'm being honest though, my issues with being alone started much earlier than this. All my life my mom has been my security blanket and I feel safe knowing she is there. In my entire 28 years of life, I have truly ever spent one night completely by myself (Note: This night was before Tyson, so I really was all alone). I think that night I maybe slept for an hour or so. Now I don't have a problem with being home alone during the day. Since I grew up with siblings and a stay at home mom I will probably always prefer having someone home with me, but daytime I can manage. It is being alone at night that I have a hard time with.
I think a lot of it has to do with watching scary slasher movies at a young age. When I was in junior high/high school movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer were huge. I probably saw them each 100 times. In all those movies it is the nice, sweet, small, white girls who are alone at night that are always being attacked. I guess the idea of bad things happening when people are alone at night has been embedded in my brain. Now I don't think that if I'm alone at night some psycho killer is certainly going to get me. I do worry though that if something major happens, like I get sick, a fire breaks out, or someone tries to break in, I won't have anyone to help me.
I think the best way to get comfortable with being alone is the same way I got over being alone at all when I first got sick. After I came out of the hospital, I couldn't be alone at all. I wouldn't even go to the bathroom without someone waiting outside the door for me. I was paranoid that if I was alone, something would absolutely happen. I wouldn't even sleep alone. I set up a mattress on my parents floor and Tyson and I slept there for awhile. Slowly though, I started to test things because I knew that behavior was not normal for me and I had to get back to my normal. I would be alone for 30 minutes, then an hour, then I slept back in my room, etc. The more I pushed it a little and nothing "bad" happened, I would slowly get reassured it was okay to be alone again. I eventually got more comfortable with it and set up goals for myself like spend an entire day alone, drive by myself to meet friends for dinner, and close my door at night when I go to bed.
These were all steps to gaining some of my independence back. Now, I have to work on it for nighttime. This is definitely something I'm going to have to work on if I plan on moving out before I'm married or if I don't have other friends who can move in with me. Tonight is the first step. My parents have gone to the beach about an hour and a half away. They are just spending the night and will return home tomorrow. Both Tyson and my brother will be home to sleep tonight, so I won't be alone, but my security blanks of my parents will not be here. It's the first steps in this new goal of spending a night alone.
Day 116- Words of Wisdom.... "Learn how to stand on your own." AND "Think a hopeful thought every day." AND "Set aside time each day to be with yourself."
If I'm being honest though, my issues with being alone started much earlier than this. All my life my mom has been my security blanket and I feel safe knowing she is there. In my entire 28 years of life, I have truly ever spent one night completely by myself (Note: This night was before Tyson, so I really was all alone). I think that night I maybe slept for an hour or so. Now I don't have a problem with being home alone during the day. Since I grew up with siblings and a stay at home mom I will probably always prefer having someone home with me, but daytime I can manage. It is being alone at night that I have a hard time with.
I think a lot of it has to do with watching scary slasher movies at a young age. When I was in junior high/high school movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer were huge. I probably saw them each 100 times. In all those movies it is the nice, sweet, small, white girls who are alone at night that are always being attacked. I guess the idea of bad things happening when people are alone at night has been embedded in my brain. Now I don't think that if I'm alone at night some psycho killer is certainly going to get me. I do worry though that if something major happens, like I get sick, a fire breaks out, or someone tries to break in, I won't have anyone to help me.
I think the best way to get comfortable with being alone is the same way I got over being alone at all when I first got sick. After I came out of the hospital, I couldn't be alone at all. I wouldn't even go to the bathroom without someone waiting outside the door for me. I was paranoid that if I was alone, something would absolutely happen. I wouldn't even sleep alone. I set up a mattress on my parents floor and Tyson and I slept there for awhile. Slowly though, I started to test things because I knew that behavior was not normal for me and I had to get back to my normal. I would be alone for 30 minutes, then an hour, then I slept back in my room, etc. The more I pushed it a little and nothing "bad" happened, I would slowly get reassured it was okay to be alone again. I eventually got more comfortable with it and set up goals for myself like spend an entire day alone, drive by myself to meet friends for dinner, and close my door at night when I go to bed.
These were all steps to gaining some of my independence back. Now, I have to work on it for nighttime. This is definitely something I'm going to have to work on if I plan on moving out before I'm married or if I don't have other friends who can move in with me. Tonight is the first step. My parents have gone to the beach about an hour and a half away. They are just spending the night and will return home tomorrow. Both Tyson and my brother will be home to sleep tonight, so I won't be alone, but my security blanks of my parents will not be here. It's the first steps in this new goal of spending a night alone.
Day 116- Words of Wisdom.... "Learn how to stand on your own." AND "Think a hopeful thought every day." AND "Set aside time each day to be with yourself."
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Day 115- You Think You're Having A Bad Day?
Today was a reminder that I really need to count my blessings every day. Even when you think you're having a bad day, there is always someone out there having a worse day.
These last few days I've been a little nervous because my parents are going on a mini vacation for 2 days without me or my brother (I'll explain tomorrow why this has been making me nervous). This is what has been stressing me out, but it is nothing to what two co-workers have been dealing with. One co-worker, the doctor's told her yesterday that her father, who has been sick for awhile, will probably not last through the weekend. The other co-worker, received health news on Monday that will change her life forever. The thing I found most amazing though, was both these people seem to be handling it so well and are being so strong.
When I heard these two things and saw them being strong today I thought, "Wow. What my worries have been are nothing compared to what others I know are dealing with." It kind of put things back into perspective for me. It was just a friendly reminder that you really have to realize that things could be much worse and recognize all the good things that happen each day.
Day 115- Words of Wisdom.... "Carry your light with you wherever you go."
These last few days I've been a little nervous because my parents are going on a mini vacation for 2 days without me or my brother (I'll explain tomorrow why this has been making me nervous). This is what has been stressing me out, but it is nothing to what two co-workers have been dealing with. One co-worker, the doctor's told her yesterday that her father, who has been sick for awhile, will probably not last through the weekend. The other co-worker, received health news on Monday that will change her life forever. The thing I found most amazing though, was both these people seem to be handling it so well and are being so strong.
When I heard these two things and saw them being strong today I thought, "Wow. What my worries have been are nothing compared to what others I know are dealing with." It kind of put things back into perspective for me. It was just a friendly reminder that you really have to realize that things could be much worse and recognize all the good things that happen each day.
Day 115- Words of Wisdom.... "Carry your light with you wherever you go."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Day 114- Me Time
Today was one of the more stressful days at my new job even though I was only there for 2 hours. Probably because I was there by myself for the first time. I survived though. Tonight, however, I should probably read over the folder I was given that tells me everything I should know about the company and my job. I think instead, I'm going to take some much needed me time first by taking a nice cool shower (it's so hot hot still), have a nice big bowl of ice cream, and watch the newest episode of my favorite reality show, Giuliana and Bill. Because remember, it is always important to take some time each day that is simply for you.
Then, I'll take a stab at the folder and begin to study.
Day 114- Words of Wisdom.... " Do three thing for yourself each day." AND " You will never be asked to bear more than you can cope."
Then, I'll take a stab at the folder and begin to study.
Day 114- Words of Wisdom.... " Do three thing for yourself each day." AND " You will never be asked to bear more than you can cope."
Monday, July 22, 2013
Day 113- 13 1/2 Hour Day
Today started my week long craziness of working 2 jobs. I left my house at 7:20AM this morning and I'm just getting home now at 10:00PM. Needless to say, I'm tired. I know when I was younger and 23-26 years-old I worked 2 jobs. I would sometimes work even longer days, but I can't see now how I use to do that. I even had to ask my parents tonight to come bring me new shoes because mine were giving me such bad blisters on my toes.
Well, tomorrow's another day. Thankfully that one will be much shorter.
Day 113- Words of Wisdom.... "Say thank you when complimented." AND "Taking a step back from a problem may give you the distance you need in order to see a solution."
Well, tomorrow's another day. Thankfully that one will be much shorter.
Day 113- Words of Wisdom.... "Say thank you when complimented." AND "Taking a step back from a problem may give you the distance you need in order to see a solution."
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Day 112- Dream, Dream, Dream
Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about about snakes, including last night. I'm waking up feeling anxious because there is nothing I'm afraid of as much as I'm afraid of snakes. So, I decided to look up today what dreaming about them meant.
One thing dreaming about snakes means is that you are in the process of healing and resolving issues. That is what I have been doing for the last 7 months while I work through my issues of anxiety. Another thing snakes can represent in a dream are that you are in a time of transition or transformation. Not only can this relate to my emotional and mental state with my anxiety and depression, but I'm transitioning to a new job as well.
A last thing that snakes could mean in a dream are that you are having some fear or are anxious about something. Last night in my dream I kept running into piles of snakes while I was on a dirt path with others, training for a race. I remember thinking yesterday that I'm not sure if I'll be ready for my 5K race in November. Based on that, I probably am afraid I won't be ready.
Now that I know what it means to dream of snakes, I won't be as bothered when I do.
Day 112- Words of Wisdom.... "Happiness does not have to feel foreign to you." AND "Become a better person from your trials and tribulations."
One thing dreaming about snakes means is that you are in the process of healing and resolving issues. That is what I have been doing for the last 7 months while I work through my issues of anxiety. Another thing snakes can represent in a dream are that you are in a time of transition or transformation. Not only can this relate to my emotional and mental state with my anxiety and depression, but I'm transitioning to a new job as well.
A last thing that snakes could mean in a dream are that you are having some fear or are anxious about something. Last night in my dream I kept running into piles of snakes while I was on a dirt path with others, training for a race. I remember thinking yesterday that I'm not sure if I'll be ready for my 5K race in November. Based on that, I probably am afraid I won't be ready.
Now that I know what it means to dream of snakes, I won't be as bothered when I do.
Day 112- Words of Wisdom.... "Happiness does not have to feel foreign to you." AND "Become a better person from your trials and tribulations."
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Day 111- A Little Bit Shorter
My last few blogs have been a little bit shorter than normal. Part of the reason is because there just haven't been enough hours in my days lately. By the time I am able to get all my chores and errands done, time is only left for work, dinner, and bed. But I made the commitment to post something every day, so I have been, they just have been shorter. I don't see myself having a lot of time in the next week to really dig into a topic, but I will continue to keep up with my promise of posting for 365 days.
Day 111- Words of Wisdom.... "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
Day 111- Words of Wisdom.... "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
Friday, July 19, 2013
Day 110- Celebrate Good Times
Today was my first day of training at my new job. I built up in my head that it was going to be much more overwhelming and difficult than it actually was. I do have a lot to learn, but I think I can handle it, which is comforting.
Tonight both my family and friends are taking me out to celebrate. So, off I go.
Day 110- Words of Wisdom.... "You don't know what you don't know."
Tonight both my family and friends are taking me out to celebrate. So, off I go.
Day 110- Words of Wisdom.... "You don't know what you don't know."
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Day 109- I'm A Little Nervous
Tomorrow I start training for my new job. Needless to say, I'm a little nervous. I hope I do well, I hope I understand things, I hope nothing goes too wrong, and I hope I handle all the changes well.
One thing that has helped me is the fact that I know being nervous is completely normal. Anyone in my position would be nervous. I just can't let my nerves take over. In order to do this I will do one thing that really helps calms my nerves... cuddle with my dog Tyson! (It's been way too long since I talked or posted a picture of him).
Day 109- Words of Wisdom.... "There is nothing we cannot live down, rise above, and overcome."
One thing that has helped me is the fact that I know being nervous is completely normal. Anyone in my position would be nervous. I just can't let my nerves take over. In order to do this I will do one thing that really helps calms my nerves... cuddle with my dog Tyson! (It's been way too long since I talked or posted a picture of him).
Day 109- Words of Wisdom.... "There is nothing we cannot live down, rise above, and overcome."
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Day 108- Changes Are A Coming
I mentioned yesterday how today could be a big change for me, and it was. I had a job interview and was offered the job even before I left. So thank you if you sent any well wishes my way yesterday.
Not only is getting a new job exciting, but it is allowing me to cross off another bucket list item!
24.) Get a job out of retail.
Day 108- Words of Wisdom.... "In every job, the beginning is the most important" AND "The things we worry about tend not to happen" AND "The future comes one day at a time"
Not only is getting a new job exciting, but it is allowing me to cross off another bucket list item!
24.) Get a job out of retail.
Day 108- Words of Wisdom.... "In every job, the beginning is the most important" AND "The things we worry about tend not to happen" AND "The future comes one day at a time"
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Day 107- Big Changes
Tomorrow could mean some big changes for me. I don't want to say exactly what it is just yet in case it doesn't come through, but I have a favor to ask in the mean time from everyone. Whether it's fingers crossed, prayers, or good vibes you believe in, please send them my way!
The weird thing is that a lot can change for me tomorrow, and I'm not too nervous or anxious about it. I know I'll get more anxious as I am waiting for the results, but I'm actually pretty relaxed. I know many others in my position would be super stressed, but since I've started this process I've really learned who I am and I know what I'm capable of. And if it doesn't work out I know God has a different place that he wants me to be...I just hope where I want to be matches up with where he wants me to be.
Day 107- Words of Wisdom.... "If you look at life as an adventure, then it will be."
The weird thing is that a lot can change for me tomorrow, and I'm not too nervous or anxious about it. I know I'll get more anxious as I am waiting for the results, but I'm actually pretty relaxed. I know many others in my position would be super stressed, but since I've started this process I've really learned who I am and I know what I'm capable of. And if it doesn't work out I know God has a different place that he wants me to be...I just hope where I want to be matches up with where he wants me to be.
Day 107- Words of Wisdom.... "If you look at life as an adventure, then it will be."
Monday, July 15, 2013
Day 106- We Got a First Timer
Today I went to Hurricane Harbor with my family to celebrate my eldest niece's birthday. My dad came with us and it was his first time ever going to this water park, and I think he was a little nervous. The day though, turned out really fun. It was great to see my dad and nieces playing and laughing together. It was also great to just spend time with my dad. I had a great conversation with my sister-in-law, and joked around with my brother and nieces. Overall, it was a great day.
Day 106- Words of Wisdom.... "You've walked too far to walk back."
Day 106- Words of Wisdom.... "You've walked too far to walk back."
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Day 105- In a Funk
As the day has progressed I have felt myself slowly fall into a funk. I don't feel completely sad or completely happy, I just feel kind of blah. I think the reason is because the last four days I have worked a lot and they have been all closing shifts. Because of that I wasn't able to go out with friends last night, every night I have come home my parents were already in bed, and I didn't get to go to church today. I also think when I haven't spent a lot of time with my dog he notices and gets mad at me because he has been grouchy with me when he usually isn't.
All these things, spending time with my friends, my parents, church, and my dog, are all very important to me. They are also crucial parts in helping me to stay positive and happy. Thankfully tomorrow and Tuesday I already have set plans to spend time with friends, family, and my dog so this funk should be fading soon.
Day 105- Words of Wisdom.... "It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance."
All these things, spending time with my friends, my parents, church, and my dog, are all very important to me. They are also crucial parts in helping me to stay positive and happy. Thankfully tomorrow and Tuesday I already have set plans to spend time with friends, family, and my dog so this funk should be fading soon.
Day 105- Words of Wisdom.... "It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance."
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Day 104- I'm Not Angry Anymore
For a long time I was really angry about having to deal with being affected by anxiety and later depression. A lot of times I would think, "Why me?" and "Haven't I dealt with enough already?" I just couldn't understand why it was all happening to me. At this point, I didn't know anyone who had dealt with these feelings. I felt all alone which made me even more mad that I had no one who could relate and understand.
At the start I thought anxiety was something I had to deal with for a little and that it would go away eventually. As time passed and things weren't getting any better, I became angrier that I would now have these feelings for the rest of my life. I didn't realize that this was something that if I put enough work in, I could change. I could get rid of the anxiety as well as the depression I was slowly developing as well.
Once I realized that help was possible, the feelings of hostility in me didn't go away. That's because if I was going to get help I would have to pay for it, and that was going to be expensive. It got to a point though that I had to really sit down and become conscious of the fact that the way I was living was not up to what I would consider the quality at which I wanted to be living my life. I needed help and it didn't matter the cost. Sure getting help meant that I would need to put things on my credit card since I couldn't pay for things up front, but I realized feeling good and healthy again was priceless to me. I would pay anything.
Even when I had finally started the process of therapy and taking medication, the anger didn't fade right away. I was getting and feeling better, but I was still mad I had to do this process. It wasn't until last week when I got a moment of clarity that the anger went away. Over the last month or so, I have received a few emails and had a few conversations with others that were so important and encouraging about this entire blog writing process. In all of these emails and talks, I was told that I had become not only a source of information and inspiration, I helped to make some not feel alone like I did. I realized that the reason why I had to go through all this was because I had to write this blog not only for myself, but for others as well.
When I first told my therapist the idea for my blog she told me that when she started in therapy that she knew as long as she helped one person she would feel satisfied no matter what else she did in her career. I feel this way too. Once I realized that I was helping others and not just myself I no longer felt angry. Even if it ends up just being one person for one second who can relate and feel not alone, than there is no way I can ever be angry about going through issues of anxiety and depression. I realized this was the plan all along. I can't be angry about that.
Day 104- Words of Wisdom.... "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
At the start I thought anxiety was something I had to deal with for a little and that it would go away eventually. As time passed and things weren't getting any better, I became angrier that I would now have these feelings for the rest of my life. I didn't realize that this was something that if I put enough work in, I could change. I could get rid of the anxiety as well as the depression I was slowly developing as well.
Once I realized that help was possible, the feelings of hostility in me didn't go away. That's because if I was going to get help I would have to pay for it, and that was going to be expensive. It got to a point though that I had to really sit down and become conscious of the fact that the way I was living was not up to what I would consider the quality at which I wanted to be living my life. I needed help and it didn't matter the cost. Sure getting help meant that I would need to put things on my credit card since I couldn't pay for things up front, but I realized feeling good and healthy again was priceless to me. I would pay anything.
Even when I had finally started the process of therapy and taking medication, the anger didn't fade right away. I was getting and feeling better, but I was still mad I had to do this process. It wasn't until last week when I got a moment of clarity that the anger went away. Over the last month or so, I have received a few emails and had a few conversations with others that were so important and encouraging about this entire blog writing process. In all of these emails and talks, I was told that I had become not only a source of information and inspiration, I helped to make some not feel alone like I did. I realized that the reason why I had to go through all this was because I had to write this blog not only for myself, but for others as well.
When I first told my therapist the idea for my blog she told me that when she started in therapy that she knew as long as she helped one person she would feel satisfied no matter what else she did in her career. I feel this way too. Once I realized that I was helping others and not just myself I no longer felt angry. Even if it ends up just being one person for one second who can relate and feel not alone, than there is no way I can ever be angry about going through issues of anxiety and depression. I realized this was the plan all along. I can't be angry about that.
Day 104- Words of Wisdom.... "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
Friday, July 12, 2013
Day 103- Exhausted
After an almost 10 hour work day, I am finally home. All I have to say is...
GOODNIGHT!!
Day 103- Words of Wisdom...."No matter how hard you try or how much time you spend worrying, some things just cannot be changed."
GOODNIGHT!!
Day 103- Words of Wisdom...."No matter how hard you try or how much time you spend worrying, some things just cannot be changed."
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Day 102- Free Slurpees
For those of you who don't know, every year on July 11th, 7-eleven convenience stores gives away free small slurpees from 11am-7pm. I thought this was a great opportunity to spend some time with my 3 favorite girls, my nieces.
Day 102- Words of Wisdom...."It takes very little effort to become outstanding." AND "Be someone you would want to be friends with."
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Day 101- Happy Birthday B!
Today my eldest niece turns 15 years-old. I can't believe how fast it has gone. One of my happiest memories ever was when my brother and his wife first told us they were having her. Not only was she going to make them first time parents, but she was making me a first time aunt. Now, my older brother is much older than myself and my younger brother. He is actually 13 years older than me, which is neat because I'm exactly 13 years older than my niece B.
When they told us, they were currently living up north in Fremont, CA. They had come down at Christmas time to spend some time with us during the holiday. They told us that they had a gift for each of us, but we all had to sit down and open it at the same time. So my dad, mom, younger brother, and I sat down and we were all given envelopes. Inside there was a card that read Merry Christmas. When I opened it though it read, "Merry Christmas Auntie Jen." It took me a minute to understand it, but when my mom started repeating, "Really? Really? For real?" I got it. I remember that was one of my happiest moments ever. I couldn't believe I was going to be an aunt to a little niece or nephew.
15 years later, B is one of the most amazing young women I have ever known. She is not only beautiful, but she is soooooooo smart. If anyone in this world is going to find a cure for cancer, I would put my money on it being her. She is also mature, has a good head on her shoulders, and works so hard at everything she does. She is an amazing cross country and track and field runner. I truly enjoy all the times I get to hangout with her, both individually and with the family.
I'm so grateful that my brother and his wife decided to move back and so close to us. I feel so lucky that I get to watch her grow up. Also, she probably doesn't realize how much she has helped these last few years in getting over my anxiety and depression by just being her. I can't wait one day when she is older and she can fully understand this time in my life, that I can thank her.
So B, happy birthday! I love you and I love being your aunt!
Day 101- Words of Wisdom.... "Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend."
When they told us, they were currently living up north in Fremont, CA. They had come down at Christmas time to spend some time with us during the holiday. They told us that they had a gift for each of us, but we all had to sit down and open it at the same time. So my dad, mom, younger brother, and I sat down and we were all given envelopes. Inside there was a card that read Merry Christmas. When I opened it though it read, "Merry Christmas Auntie Jen." It took me a minute to understand it, but when my mom started repeating, "Really? Really? For real?" I got it. I remember that was one of my happiest moments ever. I couldn't believe I was going to be an aunt to a little niece or nephew.
15 years later, B is one of the most amazing young women I have ever known. She is not only beautiful, but she is soooooooo smart. If anyone in this world is going to find a cure for cancer, I would put my money on it being her. She is also mature, has a good head on her shoulders, and works so hard at everything she does. She is an amazing cross country and track and field runner. I truly enjoy all the times I get to hangout with her, both individually and with the family.
I'm so grateful that my brother and his wife decided to move back and so close to us. I feel so lucky that I get to watch her grow up. Also, she probably doesn't realize how much she has helped these last few years in getting over my anxiety and depression by just being her. I can't wait one day when she is older and she can fully understand this time in my life, that I can thank her.
So B, happy birthday! I love you and I love being your aunt!
Day 101- Words of Wisdom.... "Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend."
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Day 100- Control
All of my anxiety in the past has been not feeling like I was in control of things. I wanted to know everything, know all the answers. It was not feeling in control in my situations, especially my body, that would cause the most anxiety in me. How I have become more relaxed and comfortable in letting go of control is by 2 ways. The first is really realizing that I have been through extremely hard things because of my health as a child. Yes they were tough physically, but they were tough mentally and emotionally as well. I got through those things just fine. If I was in control of my life I probably would have chosen not to experience any of those things. If I didn't, then who would I be now? I probably wouldn't be as strong mentally and emotionally as I am; I probably wouldn't be as determined as i am to never be treated differently; I probably wouldn't be so close with my family; and I probably wouldn't be as compassionate towards others in need.
The other way I got passed my control issues was realizing that I was in control all the time. There is a saying "The only thing we can control is how we deal with things." I know that life is going to throw me things, I can't control that. I can, however, control how I react, cope, and deal. By having this small comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have some tiny bit of control, made the larger fear of having no control grow smaller.
Day 100- Words of Wisdom.... "The Answer I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer."
The other way I got passed my control issues was realizing that I was in control all the time. There is a saying "The only thing we can control is how we deal with things." I know that life is going to throw me things, I can't control that. I can, however, control how I react, cope, and deal. By having this small comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have some tiny bit of control, made the larger fear of having no control grow smaller.
Day 100- Words of Wisdom.... "The Answer I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Monday, July 8, 2013
Day 99- The End of A Chapter
Tonight was the last night of my therapy group. It has been a few weeks since we last all saw each other last and it was nice to see that for the most part, everyone was doing well. When I first entered this group my biggest goal was to gather more coping skills. I had already done a lot as far as gathering information and understanding in my anxiety and what my triggers were. I just didn't really have a game plan for when these issues arose. Now that I'm all done, I feel like I gained what I wanted to.
For me, the talk part of this therapy group was not as valuable as the art part of it. I really learned that doing art projects really helps me to get rid of all the anxious energy I have when my anxiety is present. By focusing all my energy in a new and positive direction, I am able to release all those anxious thoughts and feelings. Also, I knew it was before, but I really realized how important writing is to my sanity. With this realization, I feel more equipped for when things come up. I still feel like there are things I can learn and more skills I could gain, but for now I gained what I wanted and set out to.
Day 99- Words of Wisdom...."On the road of life there are many paths."
For me, the talk part of this therapy group was not as valuable as the art part of it. I really learned that doing art projects really helps me to get rid of all the anxious energy I have when my anxiety is present. By focusing all my energy in a new and positive direction, I am able to release all those anxious thoughts and feelings. Also, I knew it was before, but I really realized how important writing is to my sanity. With this realization, I feel more equipped for when things come up. I still feel like there are things I can learn and more skills I could gain, but for now I gained what I wanted and set out to.
Day 99- Words of Wisdom...."On the road of life there are many paths."
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Day 98- A Year Ago Today
A year ago today I woke up to the scariest morning of my life. To this day I'm still not sure if it was a panic attack or a freak case of food poisoning. There are factors that lean to both, but there are more that it was food poisoning. I remember it scared us so much we went to see our regular doctor as soon as I was able to. After running a few tests, they advise me to go to the hospital because it looked like I had a blockage in my intestines, which is what occurred the year before and was the starting point of all my anxiety issues. Needless to say, I was scared.
After we left the doctor's we returned home so I could shower and get a few things in case it was a blockage because we knew that would mean a few days in the hospital. After a few hours and a few more tests they determined there was no blockage and that I could go home. I left with a diagnosis of food poisoning/stomach bug. I was so grateful it wasn't a blockage again because I know it would have been a huge tole on me both mentally emotionally. In a way though, it kind of was because this was the start of when my anxiety and ultimate depression really started to get out of control and affect my every day life.
The last few days my anxiety has been heightened because of this being a year, but nothing to how I was last year. My mom noticed that I was a little quiet and introverted yesterday and asked why, so I told her. Even though she remembers that day, she didn't remember it happened July 7th. I'm not sure why I seem to remember exact days like this. I guess because they were so traumatic for me. But it's nice to know that while I sit here and write this that day and the events that followed seem so much longer than just one year. It's crazy how fast things can change, and I'm glad to say I'm in a better place than I was exactly one year ago today.
Day 98- Words of Wisdom.... "Progress comes from people who are not satisfied with the way things are."
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Day 97- Definitely The Right Stuff
The concert last night was amazing. I highly suggest if you ever get the chance to see New Kids on the Block in concert, GO! The played for just over 2 hours and they never stopped moving the entire time. The played a mixture of old and new songs, as well as a medley of 80's music and today's music. This was my favorite part. I also loved their stage they had...it spun so fast I don't know how they did not get dizzy. I was just so impressed. I know they are not old (they are all in their early 40's), but I was so amazed how well they could still all dance and the amount of stamina they had. I couldn't do it. And ladies, they definitely showed some skin and they all had better bodies than guys half their age. I walked in with my childhood crush as Jordan Knight, and I left with my adult crush on Donnie Wahlberg.
I will say it again, if you have the chance to see them, GO! They are AMAZING!!!!!!!
Day 97- Words of Wisdom...."You can conquer if you believe you can."
I will say it again, if you have the chance to see them, GO! They are AMAZING!!!!!!!
Day 97- Words of Wisdom...."You can conquer if you believe you can."
Friday, July 5, 2013
Day 96- Hanging Tough
Another Bucket List item is getting crossed off!! I'm getting to see my childhood crushes in concert!
33.) See New Kids on the Block in concert.
Day 95-Words of Wisdom...."If the shoes fits, buy it."
33.) See New Kids on the Block in concert.
Day 95-Words of Wisdom...."If the shoes fits, buy it."
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Day 95- Happy 4th of July
Happy Fourth of July everyone! Spent the day sleeping in, doing a little workout, swimming, hanging out with friends I haven't seen in awhile, BBQ with the family, and fireworks with the family. Overall, a great day!!
Day 95- Words of Wisdom.... "Most people don't realize that both help and harm come from within ourselves."
Day 95- Words of Wisdom.... "Most people don't realize that both help and harm come from within ourselves."
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Day 94- I Want That!
I think I have said this before, but a really great way to fight issues with anxiety and depression is with gratitude. Being grateful for what you have is a huge tool to gain and practice. In our world today it's so easy to not put this into practice. Sure, we hear all the time people saying this like, "I'm so grateful for my family" and "I'm lucky I have my health" or "I'm thankful to have a job." These things are all great to say and feel, but these are all things we can't physically hold in our hands. Often people don't feel like they have a lot if they don't have a lot of things. So, a lot of times we buy things in order to fill the worries and sadness.
In an effort to truly feel satisfied we tend to turn to materialistic things. We think "I need that new outfit for this weekend " and "I won't survive much longer if I don't get a new car" or "If I ever am going to manage I have to get a new phone." The truth is, you have a ton of clothes you can wear this weekend, a car does not determine if you will literally survive, and your current phone works just fine. Instead of of filling those holes in us with feelings of gratefulness, joy, and satisfaction we buy things in an effort to patch up the holes.
Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with buying new things and enjoying things, but doing so when not grateful with the things we already have can actually leave us more empty than when we started. So, I challenge you to truly look around and see what you're grateful for. Now I don't want you to name off things like family and friends. I want you to look at the material things around you because if you are grateful for the things you already have, there won't be a need to fill up on unnecessary stuff in an effort to feel better.
Right now I'm sitting in my room and I'm looking around and there are a ton of things I'm grateful for. On my bookshelf there are 3 books that I'm so glad I have. I'm happy I acquired The Twilight Series because it was the thing that started my sister-in-law's and my relationship. I'm happy to have The Harry Potter Series because it is the one book series my entire family has read and without it we wouldn't have the family goal of one day going to the Harry Potter World at Universal Studios. I'm happy I have The Bible because by owning it I completed a bucket list item. I'm grateful for my bed I'm currently sitting on because it reminds me how lucky I am to actually sleep in one each night when many don't have one. I'm grateful for my bulletin board I have on my wall directly across from my bed because every morning I wake up I see all the photos of my loved ones it houses. I'm grateful for a closet full of clothes because putting outfits together gives me a lot of joy. And finally, I'm grateful for the laptop I'm currently typing on. Not only does it give me a sense of pride knowing that I bought it all on my own, it also has given me the ability to realize that a major coping tool for me is writing. Finally, my laptop connects me to all of you.
So the next time you think about going out and buying something to just fill up your issues and holes take a look around and see all the amazing things you already have.
Day 94- Words of Wisdom...."Think big, but let the little things make you happy."
In an effort to truly feel satisfied we tend to turn to materialistic things. We think "I need that new outfit for this weekend " and "I won't survive much longer if I don't get a new car" or "If I ever am going to manage I have to get a new phone." The truth is, you have a ton of clothes you can wear this weekend, a car does not determine if you will literally survive, and your current phone works just fine. Instead of of filling those holes in us with feelings of gratefulness, joy, and satisfaction we buy things in an effort to patch up the holes.
Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with buying new things and enjoying things, but doing so when not grateful with the things we already have can actually leave us more empty than when we started. So, I challenge you to truly look around and see what you're grateful for. Now I don't want you to name off things like family and friends. I want you to look at the material things around you because if you are grateful for the things you already have, there won't be a need to fill up on unnecessary stuff in an effort to feel better.
Right now I'm sitting in my room and I'm looking around and there are a ton of things I'm grateful for. On my bookshelf there are 3 books that I'm so glad I have. I'm happy I acquired The Twilight Series because it was the thing that started my sister-in-law's and my relationship. I'm happy to have The Harry Potter Series because it is the one book series my entire family has read and without it we wouldn't have the family goal of one day going to the Harry Potter World at Universal Studios. I'm happy I have The Bible because by owning it I completed a bucket list item. I'm grateful for my bed I'm currently sitting on because it reminds me how lucky I am to actually sleep in one each night when many don't have one. I'm grateful for my bulletin board I have on my wall directly across from my bed because every morning I wake up I see all the photos of my loved ones it houses. I'm grateful for a closet full of clothes because putting outfits together gives me a lot of joy. And finally, I'm grateful for the laptop I'm currently typing on. Not only does it give me a sense of pride knowing that I bought it all on my own, it also has given me the ability to realize that a major coping tool for me is writing. Finally, my laptop connects me to all of you.
So the next time you think about going out and buying something to just fill up your issues and holes take a look around and see all the amazing things you already have.
Day 94- Words of Wisdom...."Think big, but let the little things make you happy."
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Day 93- See a Penny, Pick It Up
I wanted to tell this story yesterday, but it didn't really fit in with me explaining my new plan for July. So, I will tell it tonight. Yesterday at work my co-worker and I were cleaning out the fitting rooms and I saw a penny on the floor. It was heads down, which is supposedly bad luck if you pick it up. I picked it up anyways and my co-workers exact words were, " Nooooooo. That's bad luck!" I told her that it's not if we put it heads up so that someone else could receive good luck (I'm not sure if it's true, but I said it anyway). So we put the penny heads up right outside the store's front door where a lot of people pass.
Day 93- Words of Wisdom...."Have enough reasons for wanting to stay healthy."
Monday, July 1, 2013
Day 92- Words of Wisdom
This month I want to make sure that I end each post with words that have made me think, smile, or connect to. I have decided that this month each post will close with a quote from a book I have called 8,789 Words of Wisdom by Barbara Ann Kipfer. The book is filled with different proverbs, precepts, sayings and quotes that have been around for thousands of years. Some quotes will relate to exactly what's going on that day, some will be ones that I simply like, and some will be ones I love. Here's to a new month!
Day 92- Words of Wisdom...... "Try a thing three times: once to get over the fear, twice to learn how to do it, the third to decide if you like it or not."
Day 92- Words of Wisdom...... "Try a thing three times: once to get over the fear, twice to learn how to do it, the third to decide if you like it or not."
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