For a long time I was really angry about having to deal with being affected by anxiety and later depression. A lot of times I would think, "Why me?" and "Haven't I dealt with enough already?" I just couldn't understand why it was all happening to me. At this point, I didn't know anyone who had dealt with these feelings. I felt all alone which made me even more mad that I had no one who could relate and understand.
At the start I thought anxiety was something I had to deal with for a little and that it would go away eventually. As time passed and things weren't getting any better, I became angrier that I would now have these feelings for the rest of my life. I didn't realize that this was something that if I put enough work in, I could change. I could get rid of the anxiety as well as the depression I was slowly developing as well.
Once I realized that help was possible, the feelings of hostility in me didn't go away. That's because if I was going to get help I would have to pay for it, and that was going to be expensive. It got to a point though that I had to really sit down and become conscious of the fact that the way I was living was not up to what I would consider the quality at which I wanted to be living my life. I needed help and it didn't matter the cost. Sure getting help meant that I would need to put things on my credit card since I couldn't pay for things up front, but I realized feeling good and healthy again was priceless to me. I would pay anything.
Even when I had finally started the process of therapy and taking medication, the anger didn't fade right away. I was getting and feeling better, but I was still mad I had to do this process. It wasn't until last week when I got a moment of clarity that the anger went away. Over the last month or so, I have received a few emails and had a few conversations with others that were so important and encouraging about this entire blog writing process. In all of these emails and talks, I was told that I had become not only a source of information and inspiration, I helped to make some not feel alone like I did. I realized that the reason why I had to go through all this was because I had to write this blog not only for myself, but for others as well.
When I first told my therapist the idea for my blog she told me that when she started in therapy that she knew as long as she helped one person she would feel satisfied no matter what else she did in her career. I feel this way too. Once I realized that I was helping others and not just myself I no longer felt angry. Even if it ends up just being one person for one second who can relate and feel not alone, than there is no way I can ever be angry about going through issues of anxiety and depression. I realized this was the plan all along. I can't be angry about that.
Day 104- Words of Wisdom.... "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
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