Day 91- Rx

By now you know that I have been able to make the progress I have with the help of family, friends, church, and both individual and group therapy. There is one thing I have not told you that has also helped me and it has been medication. For me, finally deciding to take medication was one of the hardest decisions I've made during this entire process. To me, going on medication was a sign that I had given up; that I wasn't strong enough to conquer this illness on my own. I still feel this way, but only some times.

I have always hated taking medication. Maybe the reason is because I was given so much of it as a child with all my surgeries, or maybe it's because I tend to have a very high pain tolerance. I remember after my last open heart surgery when I was 22 years-old I asked if I could just take regular Tylenol for pain instead of anything stronger. I do know the tolls that medication can have on your body and immune system which is part of the reason I don't like medication, but I also think it's important not to take medication for every small thing because there is often a reason why we are feeling that way. It's our body trying to tell us something. I feel like I know my body fairly well because of this. Also, because I am fairly thin, my body is a lot more sensitive to medication. I think this is good...I would NEVER make a good drug addict.

There are a few exceptions however. I have very bad allergies and in the spring I will take Benadryl from time to time, otherwise I will get sinus infections almost every month for about 3-4 months straight. When this happens I will take antibiotics, but that's it. Last summer, though, I had terrible food poisoning to the point I went to the emergency room. I became so anxiety ridden after this I couldn't function. My doctor at the time suggested that I take Klonopin for a few days to settle down.

I ended up taking half of the smallest dose a day and that was it. Even though I was feeling better after only a few days I continued to take it every day because I soon developed anxiety about not taking it. For those of you who don't know, Klonopin is highly addictive and dangerous. I knew this so I refused to increase my dose, but after a month the half wasn't enough. My body got addicted to it, and I'm sure that my mind did a little too because I worried about what would happen if I stopped taking it. Now this next part is only theory, but because  I would still only take a half I feel like my body was in a constant state of withdrawal for the next few months. Every day I was tired, dizzy, nauseous, my skin felt weird unless I was touching it, and I felt like my brain wasn't connected to my body. I finally decided I couldn't do this anymore and need to stopped taking the medication. I didn't care if my anxiety came back, this was worse. So I consulted with my doctor and over a few weeks I eased myself off the medication.

After I stopped taking the Klonopin, I began feeling better. Then around Christmas time my anxiety got really bad again. It was around this time I decided to go see a therapist and I consulted with my doctor again. She explained that antidepressants actually are really good in helping with anxiety, not just depression. She knew how sensitive I was to medicine so she prescribed me Buspirone, which is a very lose dose antidepressant. It is so low in fact it doesn't work for most people. It didn't work for me. After 4 weeks and not seeing any kind of improvement (which most antidepressants take 4-6 weeks for some improvement and up to 3-4 months to get the total affect) my doctor and I decided to ween me off of it.

At this same time I was looking for a new therapist because I wasn't feeling connected to mine. It was about 2 weeks of no medication that I found my therapist I have now. She also suggested I see a doctor and suggested medication, but said the decision was all my own. She wanted me to go to the doctor she worked closely with, that way they could discuss things if they needed to. After seeing this doctor she too told me the decision was all mine, but she really thought I could benefit too. I left that day with a written prescription for Lexapro and specific instructions on how to take it if I decided to. The doctor told me to come back in 2 weeks and we would go from there. A few days later I took my first dose.

I'm sure a lot of people reading this can't understand why I was so resistant to take the medicine. In our world so many want the quick fix, but I didn't. I wanted to fix it and never have to again. I didn't want to just put a band aid on the wound, I wanted to make sure the wound never re-opened and I knew the only way to do that was to put in the work. I still don't like that I have to take medication, but I know that I need to. I had already changed my diet, started exercising, began meditating, was seeing a therapist, had multiple physical exams to check it wasn't something else, but I was still not getting better. The medication was the last piece of the puzzle.

For me, I really was scared. We see all those commercials for antidepressants on television and the list of side effects is ridiculous. For me, I was most scared of the possibility that things could get worse. I was scared that I wouldn't be myself anymore, that some how the medicine would change me. I made sure I told my parents I was going to start taking medicine and that they knew things to look for when it came to it not working or making it worse. But the person I really had to talk with and prepare for this was me. I realized that part of the reason the other medication didn't work was because I wasn't ready for it. Just like an addict has to be physically, emotionally, and mentally ready to get better, so did I.


Its been about 3 1/2 months now since I started with Lexapro. There have been a few side effects, like clenching my jaw and getting tired easier, but they are nothing to what I imagined. As a reminder, medication is not always the answer; they can be dangerous if not taken correctly. Try things like exercise, diet, therapy, and ruling out other health possibilities first. If those things don't work, then talk to your doctor about how medicine can benefit. For me medicine, along with all the other changes I've made, has not only gave me my life back, but saved my life.

Day 91- Photo a Day Challenge- Selfie

Day 90- You Got A Friend In Me

When it comes to friends, I'm pretty lucky. I've never been the type to have a ton of friends. I've had my fair acquaintances, but there is only a select few I call true friends. It has been through the support of my close group of friends that I have been able to get through the last few rough years. They are so supportive that when I asked them all today if it would be alright with them if I could post a picture of them here, they were all so excited. I asked them if it was OK first since the subject matter of this blog is a little more serious  than what people post on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter most of the time . Even though I asked first, I knew deep down they would agree to it. I still am going to just use their initials instead of their full name though, just for some privacy. So, are you ready to meet my friends!?

Definitely my oldest friends are M & A. We kinda never really had a choice in the matter because our moms grew up together and have been friends since elementary school (They are still friends 40+ years later). M is only a year younger than me and A is 9 years younger than me. When people ask though, I don't call them my friends; instead I call them my cousins. They really are family to me. It really is disappointing that they both live in Montreal, Canada because we don't get to see each other that much. But every time we do it's like we had just seen each other the day before. I can't even tell you how many times in the last 2 years I have called and cried and vented to them. And they have always just listened and supported me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to pay them back for that, but I will definitely try. When I first got sick almost 2 years ago M and her fiancé wrote me a letter and in it they said that "Family isn't whose blood you have, it's whom you care about." Well they have and always will be family.

I am also very lucky to have 4 girlfriends who are my rocks. We really make an effort to try and get together at least once a week, but with all of us having different schedules it can sometimes go to every other week. Out of all the girls I have been friends with R the longest. We first met in second grade when we had the same teacher. After that we started going to each others birthday parties and having sleepovers. One of my favorite memories from when I was a kid was when a bunch of us slept over at R's house for her birthday and we were all playing with our hair and make up in her parents bathroom. In high school we had different classes and different groups of friends, but that didn't matter because we stayed friends. We eventually ended up studying the same thing at the same college and we graduated right next to each other. A few years ago R broke up with her boyfriend. Even though it was a really stressful time I wouldn't change it because we grew extremely close as a result. She is the one friend that I can go awhile without talking to and it's like no time has passed. She is also one of the only people that with just a look we know what the other is thinking. I'm very grateful to have her in my life.

     The next girl I have known the longest is N. She also went to the same elementary school, junior high, high school, and college as me but we never had classes together. It was during those times that I would have said we were more acquaintances than friends, but over the last 2 years we have become very close. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are very similar in personality (maybe because we were born only 3 days apart). We both stress a lot, are clean freaks, and really value the relationships we have. She has sorta become my sound board these last few years. For whatever reason I feel most comfortable talking to her than all my other friends about the serious stuff. I think because she really does just listen with very little judgement and offers so much encouragement. I don't know how I would have survived these last few years without her. My hope is that we will be friends for a very long time because everyone needs a friend like her in their life.

    The other two girls that make up our circle of five are N and A. I have known N for about the last 3 years and A for the last 2 years. I met both of them through R because they all use to work together. I feel like without them we would all never hangout. They always seem to be the ones planning everything. N is always upbeat and has such a positive energy that it's very hard to be sad when you're around her. I know if I'm ever down I can just hangout with her and that will change. And A completes the circle. The thing I admire most about her is how she always says what's she thinking. You want an honest opinion, go to her. She is also super close with her family and I know she will do anything for anyone she truly cares about. I couldn't imagine my life right now without these two in it. 

The story about my next friend of mine is my mom's favorite to tell. D and I were friends before we even knew it. We were born at the same hospital, the same year, 3 days apart. We were both in the ICU when we were born because I had a lot of health issues and he was a premie. We had the same ICU nurse, which means that our incubators were literally right next to each other. After we left the hospital I went to live and grow up in Santa Clarita, he went to North Hollywood. After high school his family ended up moving to Santa Clarita, and he and I ended up working at the same clothing store. We were friends while we worked there together and would hangout outside of work. One of our old co-workers and friends had a baby and delivered at the same hospital both he and I were born at. It was then, 21 years later, when we were talking about where we were born that we figured out that we had been incubator buddies right after birth. I'm still amazed after all these years that we "found" each other and became friends 19 years later, and we didn't even know we had met all those years before. I'm so glad we did find each other though because he has been my biggest support system besides my family. Especially in the beginning. I think it would have been a lot worse if he hadn't been there, and for that I'm so grateful.

I also have to mention, my first friend ever when I was 3 years-old was my next door neighbor V. She and I are still friends, and probably will be for the rest of our lives because her parents live next door to my parents and both have said they are never moving. She is now a psychiatrist and who I have received a lot of help and information from. I didn't get a hold of her to ask about putting her picture up, but I still wanted to mention her. 

So, there you have it. Those are my friends who I love as much as I love my family. They have been amazing encouragers of mine and who I am so appreciative to have in my life. I will always feel indebted to them for all they have done for me lately. As a thank you, please enjoy the song below. It reminds me of all of you. Love you guys!

Day 90- Photo a Day Challenge- Best Friends (Note: I really need to take pictures with my friends soon because my hair hasn't been blonde for almost 2 years)

      

Day 89- School Days

If I could describe my perfect job it would to be not work at all. Now I wouldn't want to just sit around and do nothing. I wish I could just win the lottery so I wouldn't have to worry about money, and then go to school and volunteer the rest of my life. That would be my perfect job.

I'm one of those weird people who loved going to school. I love being in class, working on projects, and learning new things. I even don't mind homework that much. I do, however, hate taking tests and giving presentations, but I can manage them. I think why I like it so much is because I was really lucky that school has always come pretty easy to me and I always did really well.

One of the more disappointing things is that I have yet to return to school to get Master's Degree. I'm hoping one day I can, but at this point it's not financially possible. If I was able to go to school forever I would get not only my Master's, but probably a bunch of different Bachelor's and Master's Degrees in a ton of different subjects so that I can learn anything and everything I could. All the while, I would volunteer at either a hospital, animal rescue, or with children.

It's been just over 5 years since I was in school and sometimes I don't miss it, but a lot of times I do.

Day 89- Photo a Day Challenge- Last Day of School

Day 88- Reality TV Star?

How many out there watch reality television? I certainly do! I probably watch more reality television than non-reality. Being the age I am, my favorite is all the challenges between The Real World seasons on MTV. Growing up I always thought it would be cool to be on one of those shows just because they all get to travel to amazing places. Then when the reality show like Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County was huge on MTV my friends and I always use to say that we had enough drama in our group of friends that we could have our own show called Santa Clarita: The Real Valley.

How many people out there would actually want to be on a reality show? If you do/did, have you ever given thought to what you would look like on camera? Would you seem like a happy and easy going person, a sad and drama filled person, the shy girl, the man whore, the liar, or the shows star? When I was asked how I think others view me, I really had to think about it. I knew I didn't smile or laugh often. I had also been told that it seemed like I was in my head a lot...always thinking, but not vocalizing my thoughts. I realized overall I would be perceived like a very quiet, shy, and unhappy person if I was being followed by a camera all the time.

Once I realized this I became very aware of what I was expressing on the outside. I didn't want to be looked at how I knew I probably was, quiet, unhappy, and all in my head. I knew I had to change because I didn't want to become that. Now I wasn't concerned about what others thought of me. I was concerned that I wasn't expressing the person I WANTED TO BE.

In order to make this change anytime I felt like I was looking sad or thinking too much, I would put a smile on my face and make myself seem more inviting to others. I did this a lot at work since I spend a lot of time there and I see more people there than any other place. I also knew that when I was all "in my head" I would become quiet and come off as shy. So as soon as I noticed this I would go up to a customer and start up a conversation by using my open ended question asking skills I learned from my journalism classes in college. Over time, the more and more I did this I noticed that I slowly started to project the image I wanted. There are definitely still times that I catch myself not projecting who I want to be. When this happens I think to myself, "If I was on camera right now, what would I look like?" Then I change it to how I want to look: outgoing, friendly, and happy.

Now, I want to restate that it's important to remember that as long as you are happy with the image you project to the world, than it doesn't matter what others think or perceive you to be. We all know that perceptions can be wrong. But when you are not satisfied with the image you are projecting, then there is something you can do to change it. For me it took wondering what I would come off as if I was the star of my own reality show to learn how to change it.

Day 88- Photo a Day Challenge- Bathing Suit

I know there are a lot of girls who have hundreds of bathing suits. I'm not one of those girls, but I think I have enough.

Day 87- It's in The Name

I spent most of the day at work, and even though I could think of a hundred other things I could have done today I still found something to make me smile.

When I was ringing up a customer who was paying with a credit card I asked to see her ID. Out of habit I waited to see her ID before checking the credit card and as soon as I saw her last name I smiled. Her last name was Happy. How cool is that!?!



Day 87- Photo a Day Challenge- Nails

Right now my finger nails are painted pink.

Day 86- Back on Track

After my hike yesterday I thought to myself, "How am I going to run a 5K in November when I can barely hike up these hills?" The truth is I haven't been keeping up very well with my training for it. So today on my lunch break I downloaded an app on my phone called C25K (Couch to 5K), that gets you ready to run a 5K in an 8 week period. You have to run only 3 days a week, but it slowly gets you ready. I think by having this mini "coach" it will make it easier.

Tonight I went up to the park above my house to start my day 1 of running. I brought my dad with me because it was near sunset and I didn't want to be at the park by myself in the dark. It's just not safe. I'm very glad he was there not only for that reason, but because he actually helped to motivate me. For whatever reason because I go to the gym every now and then, my dad thinks I'm in good shape. When I was about half through this first run, I thought to myself that I was done...I couldn't run anymore. Then I saw my dad watching me and I knew I couldn't change his opinion about my fitness. So, I kept going and I finished.

Day 86- Photo a Day Challenge- Flip Flops

I only own 2 pairs of flip flops, but I own A LOT of sandals.

Day 85- I'm On a Roll

I get to check off another item on my bucket list!

71.) Hike Towsley Canyon.

For anyone who lives in Santa Clarita, Towsley Canyon is one of the must to do if you are going to hike in the city. I have never hiked it.......until today.

I texted my sister-in-law last night and told her I didn't have work today and wanted to see if she and my nieces wanted to go for a hike. Since her, my brother, and my nieces are all very active and athletic she said yes. Plus it helped to get my nieces out of the house since they are on summer break right now.

We decided to do the Towsley loop which is a 5.1 mile hike. This is the longest I have ever hiked and was definitely the hardest. A lot of the hike is uphill and at points is fairly steep. There were multiple points that I felt like I wouldn't be able to make it. With the help of my family, and the fact that their 5 lb. dog was not only keeping up he was in the lead, I was motivated and able to do it. I will definitely be sore tomorrow, but it will be worth it.

Along the way we saw many pretty rocks, caves, and plants. We saw 2 HUGE birds of pray, 2 deer, a few squirrels, and a snake. I was a little panicked when we saw the snake because I am terrified of them, but since I was at the back of the group and farthest from it it, I managed. Plus I didn't really look at it.

It was so cool to not only see most of Valencia when we got to the top, but it was just amazing to see another side to Santa Clarita. Most of the time when we are driving on the 5 and 14 freeways, we don't realize what it's like on/in those mountains on the side of the freeways. It was like we were somewhere else, not the city I've lived in almost my entire life. It was actually a really beautiful reminder to realize that all this life and nature is going on all around us.

It was also a reminder of how far I've come (yes, this will be how getting over something is like climbing a mountain). The whole idea of starting at the bottom and working your way to the top and overcoming your struggles and hardships. Today I was literally at the top of a mountain, figuratively I'm the closest I've been to the top of my personal mountain than I have been in the last 2 years. It hasn't been easy, in fact its been really, really hard. But just like today, I've had my family with me every step of the way helping me along. I've also had a little 5 lb. dog motivating through this; every time I log on and see that someone else has viewed my blog it's motivated me to keep going and keep climbing to the top.

Day 85- Photo a Day Challenge- Makeup

I've always been the type of girl that wears makeup almost every day, but I've never been the type of girl to spend a lot of money on it or have tones of it. Here is the makeup I wear pretty much every day.

Day 84- Color Me Rad

Yesterday I completed another item off my bucket list. I participated in a color run. For those who don't know what a color run is it is a 5K (3.1 miles) run/walk. The idea is to wear at least some light colored clothing piece and then throughout the run there are different stations. At these stations there are volunteers who are either spraying you with a specific color or throwing powder on you. Both the liquid and powder is corn starch and completely gluten free. By the time you are done with the race you should be covered head to toe in color. You basically are a walking tie dyed person.

 Obviously it's called a color run, but since this run is more for fun a lot of people walk. My group and I ran the first quarter mile or so, but with so many people who were mostly walking it became too difficult to run. Also, at each of the color stations there are so many people trying to get colored it got too backed up. We could have ran through those sections, but then we probably wouldn't have received as much color. And come on, it's a color run, the whole point is to get covered in color. The last quarter of mile though we did run so that we would have a strong finish. Like most runs, we saw a wide range of people including women, men, teens, young adults, kids, children still young enough to be pushed in a stroller, couples, families, and friends.

Our team was made up of 8 girls total, including myself. Two of the girls were from my core group of girlfriends. They are who, besides my family, I talk to and hangout with the most. The other 5 girls included my friend's younger sister and 4 of her friends. Since this run is fun, being dressed up is highly encouraged. Yesterday we saw tutus, cowboys, Indians, and super heroes. My group and I decided to wear matching socks. This was actually a great idea because a few times we lost track of some people, so all we did was look down to find our socks.

We got there a little early so we could pick up our registration packets. With our packets we also received a t-shirt, sunglasses, and a tattoo. There were other items we could buy, but we decided to spend our time taking pictures, dance to the music, and watch people do Zumba. There were also food trucks there that we took advantage of AFTER the run (I highly suggest trying the food truck called THE MELT if you ever see it; best grilled cheese sandwiches).

The actual race was very fun. It took us about an hour to complete. It definitely went by too fast! I was surprised when I saw the finish line. I felt like I could have gone another hour. The best part was the end though. Just after the finish line there was an area where they gave you your own packet of color. It was here that your group was to get together and pour color on each other. I think I got more color here than at a few stations. It was amazing.

Now that it is done, I'm so glad I did it. I will definitely be doing one again. There are a few things I would change though. Next time I will be wearing shorts and not leggings. I also would like to get more into a theme for a team outfit. I would also like to do a run with my entire family. I would also like to volunteer (the volunteers throwing color looked like they were having more fun than some people). Finally, I wish they had been playing music the full length of the race instead of just at color stations.

Out of all the things I have done so far on my bucket list this has been the most fun. I suggest if you have ever thought about doing one before you should.

Day 84- Photo Challenge a Day- Outfit of the Day

Still so happy about my color run yesterday, I wore my shirt they gave us proudly!

Day 83- Another Bucket List Item

Today I have checked off another item on my Bucket List!! Tomorrow I'll hopefully have pictures to post  and I'll give you the full run down!

80.) Do a Color Run.

Day 83- Photo A Day Challenge- Movie

My favorite movie of all time, Almost Famous.  It's about my 2 favorite things, writing and music. If you haven't seen it I suggest you should.

Day 82- Why Don't I Do That More Often?

I'm almost done with my first book of the summer.  I have only 60 pages left, so I'll probably finish it tonight. Every time I read though I think, "Why do I only read in the summer?" I know the answer is because I often have more time to do it, but I enjoy it so much so why not do it more often? Even if it's not the greatest book, I still enjoy it.

For my fellow readers out there, what's your favorite part? For me, I love feeling like I've been transported to another world. I often forget where I am and my surroundings. I picture the characters and see the scenes play out in my head. I become apart of the story.

For awhile something that really helped me was I started to write my own fiction story. It kept my mind focused on something else and made me really calm. Overtime though I started to write less and less. I still have the story saved on my computer and will go back to it from time to time. The story now though just doesn't keep my focus like it did in the beginning. Maybe I just need to scratch what I have come up with since it's not that much and come up with a new one. I would love to actually complete a story, even it's just for me.

Maybe a new dream was born.


Day 82- Photo a Day Challenge- Last Summer

This photo was taken in Montreal, Canada. In the photo with me is my Dad, Mom, and younger brother. We were on our way to my Aunt's wedding.

Day 81- Security Blanket or Super Hero?

How many of you out there have something that is considered a "security blanket" when you were growing up? It could have been an actual blanket, stuffed animal, photo, book, habit etc. For someone like me who spent a lot of time going to doctor's visits and in the hospital, it was inevitable I would have one. When I was a toddler I had a blanket I brought everywhere. Eventually it became lost at Disneyworld in Florida. I sometimes wonder what happened to it. Did somebody find it and hopefully after washing it gave it to their kid? Maybe. Is it still in the Disneyworld lost and found? Not likely. Was it found and then simply thrown away? Could have been.

After that first security blanket you could say that my new security blanket became more of a habit. For many years I would suck on my ring, middle, and pointer finger....all at the same time. My mom said I would do this every time I went for a nap, bed, watching television, or just cranky. Eventually, this form of security blanket got lost along the way too.

When I was 5 1/2 years-old I had my first open heart surgery. Before my surgery my parent's friend gave me a bear. I quickly came up with the most creative name for him, Bear. My entire hospital recovery time, which was about 2 weeks, that bear was either in bed with me or right next to it on the table. For the next 4 years or so that bear was with me every night, for every doctor's checkup, and all my other surgeries. In time I grew out of sleeping with and bringing a stuffed animal with me places. And even though I no longer "needed" the bear, I still have it to this day. It's in a box somewhere in our rafters in the garage along with a few other childhood toys.

After my last arm surgery when I was about 10 years-old we thought I wouldn't need any other surgeries, but when I was 15 years-old my scoliosis had become so bad I needed surgery to correct it. The night before my surgery my next door neighbor, who is like a second mom to me, came over to give me something to keep my company in the hospital. It was an exact replica of the bear I got when I was 5 years-old, only this one was a miniature version. This time I named him Mr. Bear. I brought that bear with me to my surgery the next morning and when I woke up my mom had him sitting at the end of the bed where I could see it first thing when I woke up.

It was then that at 15-years old I gained another security blanket, a bear yet again. Since that scoliosis surgery I have had another heart surgery and the unexpected hospital stay that happened 2 years ago and began this entire thing. For years after my back surgery I would sleep with that bear. The only difference was this time I wouldn't cuddle with it like I did with the bigger version when I was 5, but it would still be on the pillow next to me. I would pack that bear in my suitcase on every major vacation we went on. I guess I didn't feel safe without him. Even to this day on nights I can't sleep or on particularly hard days, I'll grab that bear and put him right next to me because to me he is security. It's the one thing besides my family that's been with me during all the scary stuff. Mr. Bear has been my own kind of super hero, always there "protecting" me.  

Most days lately I haven't needed to grab him, but I still have him sitting on my desk directly in front of my bed. This way I can see him every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed. Maybe tonight though, I'll place him on the pillow next to me, for old times sake.

Day 81- Photo a Day Challenge-  Teddy Bear

Day 80- It's Anxiety

Well I determined that it's not me being sick, it's my anxiety. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but in case I haven't I'll say it now. Whenever we are experiencing anxiety, stress, depression, etc. it literally changes the chemicals in our brain. That's where the term chemical imbalance comes from. The longer these emotions are present, the longer it takes for the chemicals to balance back out. Since I've been dealing with this on and off for the last 2 years I find that it's easier for my chemicals to be released which means I can develop these things probably faster than people who don't have issues with them. It's also probably why my anxiety can last longer than for others. This is all theory, however, and I'm not sure it's 100% fact.

I have noticed though, that even though my anxiety has been peaked for the last 3 days, its not as intense as it use to be. Before, I had a hard time functioning when this happened, but now I feel like even though the anxiety is there, it's manageable. It's actually more annoying than anything else. Which means I'm making progress.

Even though this month I've been doing pictures instead of saying what I did that day that I love, I thought I would mention I'm still doing things every day. Today I actually did quit a few. I cleaned my room, I did laundry, I cuddled with Tyson, I read a book in the pool, and tonight I'm going to dinner with friends I haven't seen in awhile. And even though I did them, I want to tell you it didn't make me feel 100% better.  However, I'll go to bed tonight knowing I not only accomplished things, I did things for myself. So maybe that fact will process in my brain overnight and everything will be back to what I call normal for me.

Day 80- Photo a Day Challenge- Pajamas

My pajamas change quit often, but it's always in the same field. In summer I wear shorts and either a tank top or t-shirt. In winter I wear leggings and a t-shirt. This is what I wore to bed last night.

Day 79- I Made Myself Feel What?

This morning was crappy. I ended up going home from work sick. The thing with anxiety is sometimes it's hard to distinguish if you are actually sick or if it's just a side affect of the anxiety. For me when my anxiety is high I will feel nausea, I'm pretty tired, I get hot and cold flashes, and I can get dizzy. This sounds very similar to the flu. Obviously, if you have experienced anxiety there are other factors as well that help distinguish it from just being sick. However, the last few days I can't tell if I have been sick or if my anxiety is high.

Yesterday my anxiety was the highest it's been in awhile. Unlike the past when my anxiety would be high consistently throughout the day, it sort of peaked and lowered during the day. I'm not sure if the not feeling well the last few days was just the high anxiety my body hasn't been use to for awhile and it was a little hard on my body. I guess we will just have to see tomorrow.

The reason why my anxiety was high was because myself and a few others got into a disagreement and a few things said by others really bothered me. Everything is fine now, but I was upset and bothered most of yesterday. I could easily blame them and say that they know when a disagreement happens between us it gets my anxiety going. But there is a cliché saying out there that "No one can make you feel anything, only you can."

I kept saying this to myself yesterday and tried to figure out why what they said bothered me so much and why I was giving MYSELF anxiety about it. I think it's because I feel protective of both people and I don't like when they are in a disagreement. I'll often put myself in the middle and try to get each of them to see the others point and come to a compromise, but that doesn't always work. I guess when it doesn't work instead of them being mad at each other I feel like they are mad at me. They very well could be, but I know that's probably not the case. I guess I just don't like when people I care about aren't getting along.

This is something I know I will have to try and work on. 1.) Not allowing others to affect me and just focus on myself, otherwise I might back track on my progress. 2.) Not always trying to be the peace keeper because I am often the only one who gets bothered by it.

I will give myself credit though for actually diving in and trying to see what was the root of the anxiety was. A year ago I wouldn't have done it.

Day 78- Photo a Day Challenge- Beach Throw Back

Here is a picture of me at the beach in Florida. It was probably one of my first times ever at a beach. It's funny how things change because as a kid I hated the beach. I hated the sand on my feet, and now the beach is the one place I feel calm and peaceful. You could say it's my happy place.

Day 78- Today Was A Down

Whelp, today was a crappy day. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cuddle with Tyson. I'll explain tomorrow why today was crappy, I think for tonight I just need to try and relax, pray a little, and look at things with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Day 78- Photo a Day Challenge- Last Song Listened To

Ed Sheeran is my new favorite right now and the song Kiss Me from his CD + is my favorite. Every time I hear it I picture it playing at the end of my second favorite show ever One Tree Hill. I imagine what the story line at the time would be and which characters would be together while this song played in the background. So, enjoy not only my photo, but the song as well.

Day 77- Happy Father's Day

I definitely take after my Dad's side of the family, both in looks and personality. I look at my Dad and I see my nose exactly, and even though I hate to admit it to myself my Dad and I are so much alike at times it's scary.

One thing I am proud that my Dad has taught me is the importance of having a good work ethic; I don't think anyone has a better one than him. Through having a good work ethic I learned how to be responsible, how to be punctual, and how to give 100%.

So, thanks Dad for all you've done for me and our family. Love you!!

Day 77- Photo a Day Challenge- Favorite Drink

My drink of choice is water. It's good for you and delicious!

Day 76- No Complaints

Can't complain about today. I got to sleep in, cuddled with Tyson, the weather was perfect, I worked with 2 of my favorite co-workers, and got to hang out with one of my best friends. This is actually what I would classify as a GREAT day.



Day 76- Photo a Day Challenge-Flower

I actually don't have a favorite flower, but this one is from our front yard and very pretty.

Day 75- Never, Neverland

Tonight I get to go back to a simpler time when I was a kid. I'm going with my brother and his friends to a place called Scooter's Jungle. At this place there are a few different rooms with nothing but all different kinds of giant bounce houses. 

Sometimes I wish what I know now I knew as a kid. I think I would appreciate things more. I would appreciate not having bills to pay, finding medical insurance, what type of job I'll have, etc. But I'm glad that I can take times like tonight to just forget about ADULT problems, and just be a KID again for a few hours.

Day 75- Photo A Day Challenge- Favorite Color

For the longest time my favorite color was black, but recently I've really liked purple. Maybe it's because my room is now purple, but I find myself wanting purple nail polish and purple clothes more often now.

Day 74- Meditation

One thing that I haven't done in awhile is meditation. For those who don't know what meditation is according to Wikipedia it's a practice in which an individual trains the mind or induces a mode of consciousness, either to realize some benefit or as an end in itself. But there are hundreds of different kinds of forms of meditation.There is the common one that most people know as concentrating on something in the present moment, and then letting the mind go and wonder where it wants. This is called mindful meditation. For me, I don't particularity like this form of meditation. I do think its important to be mindful and in tune to what our bodies are telling us, but I think letting the mind wander can be dangerous because it can make anxious and depressed thoughts worse.

Meditation offers great benefits like reducing stress and anxiety, helping you sleep better, changing bad habits, speed healing, and reducing pain. I really enjoy the type of meditation called guided imagery. This type of meditation makes you focus on different breathing patterns and is really great in reducing stress and anxiety. Part of the reason why breathing is so good is because breathing can actually change your brain chemistry. When we are anxious or depressed different chemicals swim around in our brain. By doing a simple breathing in for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 7 seconds, and breathing out 5 seconds can create a calming effect. You can also breath in for 4 seconds and out for 4 seconds, then in for 5 seconds and out for 5 seconds, and so one.

I was first told about meditation from my first therapist. Even though I didn't feel too much of a connection with her, I still tried it and ended up really liking it. When I told my general doctor about it, she thought it was great. She explained that even though Western medicine can offer great benefits, Eastern medicine has been around and worked for over a thousand years. So there has to be something to it.

The Kaiser Permanente website offers free information and recordings of different meditations. Try it out, it's free. It took me a few tries to figure out which ones I liked and worked. I liked starting my day out with it, but you can try it morning, noon, and night.

Namaste.

Day 74- Photo a Day Challenge- Throw Back Thursday

A Throw Back Thursday photo is a photo from the past. The one I chose was about 2 years ago. It's when Tyson was a puppy, I had blonde hair, and I was using my new laptop.

Day 73- Maybe This is The Reason

I'm sure it's very obvious to anyone who has been reading this blog that I'm pretty open in dealing with my issues. I haven't told everything, not because I'm ashamed, but because I have 365 days worth of writing I need to fill up. Maybe this is why I have had many people since this started who have felt that they can open up to me.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this at all in any past posts, but there were times would I would ask, "Why me?" After everything else I had been through in my life why did we have to add on one other thing. After tonight I'm pretty sure the answer is that I needed to go through these issues of anxiety and depression because I would need to help others.

I already told you about my old college classmate who told me I have inspired him and helped him, and then tonight I had an old co-worker visit me because he too believes he may be dealing with anxiety. He asked if I could go visit him one day and just talk to him about it.

If I had not been given this hardship, I definitely would not be doing this now and I wouldn't be able to help others. Before I started this I had dreams of helping hundreds of people, but if I end up just truly helping one, I would be happy with that. So maybe this is the reason "Why me?" It's me, so I can help others.

Day 73- Photo a Day Challenge- No makeup

Day 72- Do Re Me Fa So La Ti Do

Some times we don't realize that we stopped doing something until we start doing it again.  For me, I didn't realize that I was no longer singing. Now I'm not a singer. I'm actually completely tone deaf, but I sing anyways.

Music has always been a big love of mine. The love really grew after my first concert when I was 15 years-old. I saw *Nsync, Pink, and Sisqo at the Rose Bowl for my birthday that year. After that I was hooked. I remember for awhile I was going to at least one concert a week. I was also buying music constantly, reading every music magazine I could find, watching music videos on television all day, and I knew all the words to hundreds of songs.

I even have had an interest in having a career in music. My two dream jobs most of my teen and young adult years have been to either work on a television show like Pretty Little Liars and chose the music they play each episode, or work as a music coordinator on a show like The Ellen Degeneres Show and make sure everything is together for the musical acts on the show.

But every since my anxiety and depression has been present I haven't enjoyed music as much. It wasn't that I lost interest in it, but I was only able to listen to certain types of music and certain artists. I guess I was also not singing along when I was listening to songs in the car or at work because the other day I was driving and singing. The action felt foreign to me. I realized I hadn't sung along in awhile. I couldn't remember when I had stopped. For me, though, this small little action is huge. It's a sign that I'm a little closer to that light out of this dark tunnel.

Day 72- Photo a Day Challenge- Homework

I'm no longer in school and no one I know is since it's Summer vacation, so I couldn't take a picture.
Instead I did something off my love list- Watch Sex & the City.

Day 71- And They Lived Happily Ever After

Today my parents are celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. It's nice for me to say that since so many couples today don't stay together. I definitely count myself lucky to say that my parents are still married.

For a long time I didn't think I wanted to get married. I know that's different than most girls/women, but I never saw the point of it. This doesn't mean that I grew up not wanting to find someone to create a life with. It also doesn't mean that I wouldn't get married. If it was important to the person I was with and I knew I wanted to build a life with them, I would get married. But, for me marriage was never a something that would determine my success and my happiness.

However, as time has gone by I have decided I do want to get married. I'm not sure if this shift is due to getting older, seeing friends get married, or just a change of heart. Either way, marriage is something I do want, and I can't wait to celebrate my 35th wedding anniversary.

Day 71- Photo a Day Challenge- Black & White

My evening, In'N'Out and the Ellen Show.

Day 70- One Word

DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!
Day 70- Photo a Day Challenge- Lunch

Day 69- Tim McGraw!

The day has finally arrived......it's Tim McGraw day!! Going to see him tonight with 3 of my best friends as part of the birthday celebrations for this week. One of my best friends who is going tonight had her birthday yesterday, so it will be our joint birthday celebration.

Tim has kinda become a birthday tradition. It began 3 years ago when I saw him on my actual birthday, then last year we saw him for another friends birthday, and today we are seeing him again for two of our birthdays.

I know I have already seen him twice, but I still put him on my Bucket List as someone I want to see in concert. The truth is, he will always be on my Bucket List.....he is just that good. I'm hoping he plans on continuing playing music for years to come because this is one tradition I hope to have with these 3 girls I'm going with for many, many years to come.

33.) See Tim McGraw in concert.


Day 69- Photo a Day Challenge- Weather

My favorite kind of weather: Sunny and 80 degrees with a slight breeze.

Day 68- A Thoughtful Surprise

Tonight I was looking for a card to send along with a package I need to send out tomorrow. I was looking in my mom's bed side table because that's where she keeps the cards. While looking I found a bunch of the old Mother's Day and Father's Day cards my brother and I made my parents when we were kids. There were the obvious ones we made in school, and then the few we made on our own.

It was amazing to see not only how much our handwriting has changed, but how much better we have become at forming sentences. It was interesting to see that things I appreciate about my parents and tell them often now, I was saying even when I was in kindergarten. A note I wrote for my mom in 2002 I could have easily written word for word this past Mother's Day. I don't know if that means I haven't become more creative in my words over the years, but I think that it definitely means that my parents have remained constant over the years in the way that they have been in our lives and the way that we view them.

Sure, over the years my relationships with my parents have changed. I think as the years go by my mom and I become closer, which surprises me all the time because I think we couldn't possibly be any closer than we are now but we always find a way. Growing up I would constantly bicker with my dad because we are both so stubborn and always had to have the last word. We still have our moments even now, but I've learned to accept and enjoy him much more than I did when I was a teenager. Especially these last few years I have certainly realized how much he loves me.

I never would have thought looking for a card tonight I would find what I found. It was so touching to know that my mom has hung onto these items all these years. It sort of made me realize how true an idea we hear a lot actually is. The idea that you never really realize how important something we ourselves may view as small can actually mean a great deal to someone else. It truly is the little things that count and matter most. Finding those cards made my day today. It was just something so small, but it changed my entire day.

 Day 68- Photo a Day Challenge- Fear

I am absolutely TERRIFIED of snakes. I can't walk down the reptile area in a pet store, I can't go into the reptile area at a zoo, I even had a hard time looking for a picture of a snake to put on here. They are slimy, can slither anywhere, some are extremely dangerous, and they are just plain gross. I don't really hate anything, but I HATE snakes.

Day 67- Like Old Times

Tonight something amazing happened. I actually had fun and laughed with my younger brother. It has been a very long time since that happened. Growing up as kids we were like your average brother and sister. We got along and would play, but not super close. Through our teenage years again we got along but we weren't exceptionally close. Then from the time I was about 20 years-old until I was about  23 years-old we became really close. We would hangout with a lot of the same people, go to lunch together all the time, and talk about almost anything. I often would prefer to hangout with him over anyone else.

Slowly we started hanging out with different people and we seemed to drift apart a little. We still got along, but we just didn't spend as much time together. Then about 2 years ago he started hanging out with a few people I didn't really care for. I found that he seemed angry a lot and wasn't the same happy go lucky kid I remembered from a few years ago. Little did I know that he was experiencing a lot of the same things I have been the last few years, he just kept it inside.

Mt brother suffers from anxiety as well. Unlike me who gets emotional, panicked, and has to talk my way through it, my brother keeps a lot of stuff in and tries to just deals with it on his own. You would think with both of us dealing with the same thing it would bring us closer, but it hasn't. We still love each other very much and would be there in a second if either of us truly needed it, I just can't remember the last time we hung out and just had fun.

Tonight though, we did. Lately my mom and I have been watching them play a game on The Ellen Degeneres Show called Heads Up. Today I downloaded a version of it on my phone. After dinner I brought my phone to the table where my mom, my dad, my brother, and my brother's friend were still sitting. My brother kinda made fun of me at first about it, but then he started to play it with me. (For those who don't know what the game is you take your phone or iPad and place it on your forehead. Depending on the category different names, songs, movies, etc. come up and you try and guess what it is based on the clues others give). My parents left and it was just us "kids" playing. My brother and I did so well as a team. We were laughing, talking, and having fun. It was kinda amazing.

After words I thought why this could have happened. Is it because I'm feeling better? Is he feeling better? Who knows? But tonight was fun and I'll think about it often over the next few days.


Day 67- Photo a Day Challenge- Shoes

The newest shoes to my collection that I wore today.

Day 66- Uninspired

With all the fun events going on this week, I should have tons to write about but I don't today. I've spent all day trying to think about something to write, but I haven't come up with anything. I guess this is what you call writers block. Oh, well. Better luck tomorrow.

Day 66- Photo a Day Challenge- Handwriting


This photo is a handwritten picture I made in group therapy a few weeks ago. I have it on my wall where I can see it easily in the morning and night. Each day I randomly pick one word or phrase and will tell myself it throughout the day. For example, today I chose the word blessed. So during my day I would say to myself "I AM BLESSED." The more and more you tell yourself something, eventually you will believe it.

Day 65- Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday

Today is my 28th birthday! I had a great day celebrating with family and can't wait to celebrate this weekend with friends.

And thanks to my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces I get to cross off another item on my bucket list!

12.) Own a Bible

Day 65- Photo a Day Challenge- Lockscreen

My favorite picture of me & Tyson is the lockscreen on my phone.

Day 64- Happy Birthday Mom!!

"You are born because you will be important to someone."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most important person in my life, my MOM!!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Day 64- Photo a Day Challenge- Breakfast

My Favorite Breakfast: Bagel with Cream Cheese and Juice

Day 63- Room

Today's photo challenge was room, so I decided to take a picture from all 4 corners of my room. I changed my room around about a year and a half ago. This is the 5th change my room has seen. As a child I had a rainbow heart room for many years. After that I went on to having green and pink flowers, then I had baby blue walls with clouds and butterflies, then I simply had white walls with a black and purple striped comforter, and now I have what you see below.

This room I had the most involvement in. My dad and I made my head board from scratch, I sanded and painted my dresser and desk black, I chose where everything went in my room, and I picked out all the bedding. After my room was all done (it took about 5 days to get everything exactly how I wanted it), I remember just looking into my room from my door way and loving it. I still love it. It totally is a reflection of me and I did so much in creating it. It's me.


Day 63- Photo Challenge Day 2- Room

Day 62- New Month, New Challenge

It's a new month. It's amazing how fast this project of 365 days is going. But this month I'm going try something different. How many of you have heard of the photo a day challenges that people do on Instagram? Well I thought instead of writing every day the thing I did that I love at the end of every post, I would post a picture from the photo a day challenge. 

The photo challenge is something I've been wanting to do for awhile and since June is such a fun month for me and my family, I thought why not? Here is the list of photos I need to take every day:

1. selfie                                11.homework                                     21. last summer

2. room                                12. no make up                                  22. movie

3. breakfast                          13. throw back thursday                    23. Outfit of the Day

4. lockscreen                        14. favorite color                               24. makeup

5. handwriting                      15. flowers                                        25. flip-flops

6. shoes                                16. favorite drink                              26. nails

7. fear                                   17. Last song you played                 27. bathing suit

8. weather                             18. beach throwback                       28. last day of school

9. lunch                                 19. pajamas                                     29. best friends

10. black and white               20. teddy bear                                 30. selfie

While doing these I will explain a little about the picture, plus some of them will cause me to do things I love to do anyways. So here is to day 1!

Day 62- Photo Challenge Day 1- Selfie (Taking a picture of yourself)

Me sitting on the couch watching the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting