I have always hated taking medication. Maybe the reason is because I was given so much of it as a child with all my surgeries, or maybe it's because I tend to have a very high pain tolerance. I remember after my last open heart surgery when I was 22 years-old I asked if I could just take regular Tylenol for pain instead of anything stronger. I do know the tolls that medication can have on your body and immune system which is part of the reason I don't like medication, but I also think it's important not to take medication for every small thing because there is often a reason why we are feeling that way. It's our body trying to tell us something. I feel like I know my body fairly well because of this. Also, because I am fairly thin, my body is a lot more sensitive to medication. I think this is good...I would NEVER make a good drug addict.
There are a few exceptions however. I have very bad allergies and in the spring I will take Benadryl from time to time, otherwise I will get sinus infections almost every month for about 3-4 months straight. When this happens I will take antibiotics, but that's it. Last summer, though, I had terrible food poisoning to the point I went to the emergency room. I became so anxiety ridden after this I couldn't function. My doctor at the time suggested that I take Klonopin for a few days to settle down.
I ended up taking half of the smallest dose a day and that was it. Even though I was feeling better after only a few days I continued to take it every day because I soon developed anxiety about not taking it. For those of you who don't know, Klonopin is highly addictive and dangerous. I knew this so I refused to increase my dose, but after a month the half wasn't enough. My body got addicted to it, and I'm sure that my mind did a little too because I worried about what would happen if I stopped taking it. Now this next part is only theory, but because I would still only take a half I feel like my body was in a constant state of withdrawal for the next few months. Every day I was tired, dizzy, nauseous, my skin felt weird unless I was touching it, and I felt like my brain wasn't connected to my body. I finally decided I couldn't do this anymore and need to stopped taking the medication. I didn't care if my anxiety came back, this was worse. So I consulted with my doctor and over a few weeks I eased myself off the medication.
After I stopped taking the Klonopin, I began feeling better. Then around Christmas time my anxiety got really bad again. It was around this time I decided to go see a therapist and I consulted with my doctor again. She explained that antidepressants actually are really good in helping with anxiety, not just depression. She knew how sensitive I was to medicine so she prescribed me Buspirone, which is a very lose dose antidepressant. It is so low in fact it doesn't work for most people. It didn't work for me. After 4 weeks and not seeing any kind of improvement (which most antidepressants take 4-6 weeks for some improvement and up to 3-4 months to get the total affect) my doctor and I decided to ween me off of it.
At this same time I was looking for a new therapist because I wasn't feeling connected to mine. It was about 2 weeks of no medication that I found my therapist I have now. She also suggested I see a doctor and suggested medication, but said the decision was all my own. She wanted me to go to the doctor she worked closely with, that way they could discuss things if they needed to. After seeing this doctor she too told me the decision was all mine, but she really thought I could benefit too. I left that day with a written prescription for Lexapro and specific instructions on how to take it if I decided to. The doctor told me to come back in 2 weeks and we would go from there. A few days later I took my first dose.
I'm sure a lot of people reading this can't understand why I was so resistant to take the medicine. In our world so many want the quick fix, but I didn't. I wanted to fix it and never have to again. I didn't want to just put a band aid on the wound, I wanted to make sure the wound never re-opened and I knew the only way to do that was to put in the work. I still don't like that I have to take medication, but I know that I need to. I had already changed my diet, started exercising, began meditating, was seeing a therapist, had multiple physical exams to check it wasn't something else, but I was still not getting better. The medication was the last piece of the puzzle.
For me, I really was scared. We see all those commercials for antidepressants on television and the list of side effects is ridiculous. For me, I was most scared of the possibility that things could get worse. I was scared that I wouldn't be myself anymore, that some how the medicine would change me. I made sure I told my parents I was going to start taking medicine and that they knew things to look for when it came to it not working or making it worse. But the person I really had to talk with and prepare for this was me. I realized that part of the reason the other medication didn't work was because I wasn't ready for it. Just like an addict has to be physically, emotionally, and mentally ready to get better, so did I.
Its been about 3 1/2 months now since I started with Lexapro. There have been a few side effects, like clenching my jaw and getting tired easier, but they are nothing to what I imagined. As a reminder, medication is not always the answer; they can be dangerous if not taken correctly. Try things like exercise, diet, therapy, and ruling out other health possibilities first. If those things don't work, then talk to your doctor about how medicine can benefit. For me medicine, along with all the other changes I've made, has not only gave me my life back, but saved my life.
Day 91- Photo a Day Challenge- Selfie
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