Day 1- This is How it All Began

Hello! Welcome to my blog! This is the first time I've ever made a blog so we will see how this goes. I know I'm starting this on April Fool's Day, but this whole idea is not a joke. I just saw it as a new month, new me! I guess I should start off by explaining why I decided to start this project.

In August 2011 I unexpectedly ended up with a blockage in my small intestines. For 3 days I was in a lot of pain and my regular doctors weren't too sure what it was. On the 4th day I woke up throwing up black stuff, so my parents and I decided it was time to go to the hospital. They discovered I had a blockage in my small intestines so I was admitted to the hospital. I ended up spending 5 days in the hospital, 3 of those days were spent with a tube in my nose pumping my stomach. All in all, it was not a fun experience. The worst part though, we never got a definite answer as to why it happened. It was just some kind of freak thing.

I'm sure to a lot of people this ordeal sounds terrible. But for me, this is probably one of the easiest things I've dealt with. I'm 27 years old and I have had 12+ surgeries. I was born with something called an omphalocele (my small intestines, large intestines, and liver were on the outside of my body at birth). I also was born with something called tetralogy of fallout which means the opening between the hearts four chambers that is suppose to close right before we are born, didn't. I had surgery to repair this and actually died at one point during surgery. I was also born missing the radius in my right arm and had multiple surgeries to lengthen and straighten it. I had scoliosis that needed to be fixed by placing rods on either side of my spine. I have had surgery to repair one of my heart valves as well. And finally as a side effect of all of this I've been told it will be nearly impossible for me to have children.

So you see, I've been threw a lot. The good thing though is I never really felt sorry for myself. I've never known any different. I was blessed with an amazing and supportive family, and friends who treated me like everyone else. I never really got made fun of and never let my "disabilities" hold me back. I always was told how strong I was and how incredibly I handled everything. So why did this little thing, a blockage, change all that?

Part of me thinks it was because every major health thing prior we knew was coming. We saw doctors on a regular basis, did everything we were told; we were prepared. This blockage came out of nowhere and no one had a real answer as to why it happened. The best they could guess was I was a little dehydrated and when my stomach cramped (which is what happens often when people get dehydrated) scar tissue in my stomach from my surgeries got tangled up in my intestines and caused the blockage. Needless to say because I never got an answer, I was anxious all the time. Every time I had a stomach ache, headache, felt nausea, etc. I immediately went into catastrophic thinking and thought the worst. It wasn't until I had multiple physicals, checked for different things like chron's disease, and just had time pass that the anxiety for my physical state passed.

I have to mention also during this time we had a cancer scare with my mom (she was fine), I got a horrible case of food poisoning that they thought could have been a blockage again, I had extra heart beats for 2 days straight that sent me to the ER for the 3rd time in a year, and I got laid off from my job. All in all 2011-2012 was not a great year.

Eventually I got a job again and my health has been great. I thought once those things were back in order my anxiety would be gone, but its not. Its gone on longer than I expected and has led to mild depression as well. At this point I have anxiety about having anxiety. I worry I will have to deal with this the rest of my life, it will lead me to "go crazy," it will cause me to act drastically, and it will cause me to not be me anymore. Around Christmas time last year I decided it was time for a change. I made an appointment with a therapist for the following month, but after 3 visits I didn't feel any connection or comfort so I found someone new who I really like and feel comfortable with. 

She made me make what she called a LOVE LIST. This is a list of things I love to do so on days I'm feeling anxious or sad I can go to my list and do something I love. I took this and made a love list and bucket list. After getting inspiration from the movie Julie and Julia I decided to make a blog and for an entire year do something every day that I love to do or want to do and see what happens.

My hope is that I will refocus my mind and leave all that anxiety and worry behind me. By giving myself things to look forward to and change me focus, I hope to change my brain, my mind, and ultimately myself.

So here we go!!!

Day 1- Thing I love to do.......WRITING