Day 251- In The Back Of My Head

One thing that has remained in the back of my head for a few weeks now is what happened last December. I don't know any other way to describe it other than it was when I hit my rock bottom. My anxiety and depression was at an all time high. I could barely even function. I felt horrible both mentally and physically. I wasn't sleeping or eating right, and no matter how hard I tried my anxiety seemed to consistently stay at around a 10 on my anxiety scale. As a result my depression was high too because I hated that my anxiety was not allowing me to live the life I wanted to live.

After one particularly terrible night I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore. I knew there were only 2 options to changing that. I took the option of seeking help. That morning I made two phone calls. One was to schedule an appointment with a therapist, and the other was to my doctor to let her know I was ready to try medication again to see if it could help (Note: This medicine actually made things worse, but you can read that in blog post entitled Day 91-Rx).

It's weird because making those two phone calls actually seemed to lift a little bit of weight off my shoulders. It didn't completely fix the problem, but it helped. Even though I made the first step I was still a little unsure it was the right move. That Sunday though, they mentioned that the next four week series at church was going to be one in which they teach you ways to leave all your bad habits behind so that you don't bring them into the new year with you. This to me was a sign I was doing the right thing.

I also have the month of January of this year in the back of my head as well. Even though it wasn't as bad as December last year, it wasn't great either because I was not feeling connected to my therapist and the medication I so desperately did not want to take made things tougher. It wasn't until I found my new therapist, doctor, and new medicine in March of this year that things finally started to look up.

Now I'm sure some of you are wondering why I am holding onto these memories. Believe me, if I could erase them I might consider it, but probably wouldn't. I think it is good to keep them as a reminder of how far I have come. It stays as a reminder that if I ever get there again, I know the signs and know when to get help. Yes, I am a little worried that I might slip during this time of year. There is so much pressure and stress we put on the holidays that it is easy to feel anxious or depressed during this time. Right now, it is helpful, but I know one day I won't even remember the exact time of year. I'll just remember I had a bump in the road and I came out of it.

I also have to remember that las December was the bravest i've ever been. I realized I was in over my head and needed help. I took that step to get it. So instead of looking back at December 2012 and January 2013 as horrible times, I should look at them as the time that this healing process began. Hitting rock bottom at the time I did allowed me to give myself the best Christmas present ever, the first steps to getting my life back to how I wanted and how I know I deserved.


Day 251- A Christmas Story

They will ask questions like, “How’s work,” “What's your apartment like,” “ How can you live in such a big city,” “What are your friends like,” “Any cute boys around,” and “Are you happy out there?”