Day 365- Onto The Next Chapter

Wow! 365 days sure does go by fast. I remember writing my first post like it was yesterday. And when you think about it, it sort of was. When you look at the beautiful, long life most of us are blessed with, a year is nothing. However, when you are living each day completely miserable a year can seem like forever. I know this because I've lived that way. I'm happy to say though, no longer am I living that way.

I feel like this past year I have come so far. I've both grown and changed more in these last 365 days than I did in the previous 27 years of my life. I've learned a lot about the society we live in, about my family, about my friends; but mostly I've learned about myself. The best part, I feel like there is still so much I can learn. I think we all know ourselves well to a point, but just like others we can't know everything. We are always changing.

A lot of times in life when we think we know exactly how something is going to go, our entire world can flip on us. A lot of times life throws us curve balls and we can feel betrayed. Our family can betray us, our friends can betrays us, our coworkers can betray us, our society can betrays us; and if you're like me, our bodies can betray us. But as cliche as it is, all we can do is choose how to deal with those curves.

For me, I finally decided it was time to fight back. I was no longer happy with how I was dealing with life's letdowns and betrayals so I decided to do something about it. I decided to be brave and admit that there was a problem and that it was bigger than myself. I knew I could not do it on my own so I sought help. With the love and support of many I found an outlet that I not only enjoyed but strived at. It was the combination of motivation, support, and rediscovering a love of mine that pulled me out of the dark hole I was in.

So why would I want that to end? Why would I want to cut something out of my life that has not only been so beneficial, but something I enjoy? After much thought I decided I'm not. So, if you're interested I'm going to keep this journey going. Things will change though. Instead of coming up with my own ideas I am going to be going off a yearly journal prompt. I will also have a new blog address. You can find my new blog at mynext365chapter.blogspot.com and see what I write about each day.

So how did I come cross this idea? A few months ago I found a website that has a similar idea as this blog. A women took her love of stationary and turned it into a business. As an idea she posted a blog for an entire year for those who bought her journals could follow. Each day she prompts her followers with a topic that they are suppose to take and write on. I am going to do this and see if I can learn something new about myself by answering the questions of someone other than myself.

Once again thank you to everyone who supported me and this journey. I hope you all follow me on my next chapter: 365 Days Continued: Journey As A New Me.

Day 364- A Recap Of The Last Year

I thought since this is my second to last post I would fill everyone in on what was achieved during this process. I could have never done it without the love and support of my family and friends, and even random strangers. So take a look and see the journey of this blog.

Total views: 9,318 (This was how many times people looked at my blog over the last year.)
Most viewed month: December 2013 (1,234 views in one month)
Most viewed post: Day 1- This is How It All Began (71 views)
Countries my blog was viewed in: United States (7,322 views), Canada (864 views),
Russia (580 views), Germany (159 views), South Korea (112 views), China (21 views),
Ukraine (20 views), United Kingdom (18 views), Greece (14 views), and Indonesia (12 views)
Most often used internet browser to view postings: Safari (2,914 views)
Most used system/device to view postings: Windows/PC (3,619 views)
Number of Bucket List items crossed off: 36

Looking back at this I had high hopes, but I never could have imagined this. I mean, who could have ever predicted 580 page views in Russia! The love and support is not only what has kept me going, but it has been the driving force to help make me better. Without it I think I would still be in that dark, sad, worried filled hole I was in a year ago. The amount of changes that has occurred in such a short time are astonishing. I don't take it for granted at all. I know I didn't achieve this by my own accord, but by the help of many. I am so humbled by all of it.

So for everyone who has taken the time to read even one post, shared it with someone, spoke to me in public and private about it, or simply supported me I want to say thank you. My goal at the start of this was to change not only my outlook and mind, but myself. I am proud to say that goal has been achieved. This chapter is ending, but I'm excited to start the new one.

Day 363- The Ultimate Test

It's amazing to me how life tests us. I am only 2 days away from finishing up this year long commitment, and last night I had a true test in seeing how I am handling all that I have been working on.

Yesterday I hurt my foot. I cut it up pretty badly both on the top and bottom by accident. Its pretty red and pretty swollen, and it hurts to walk on. Needless to say I have a pretty good limp going on. I made sure to clean it up real well and I have been keeping it clean with some anti-bacterial gel. I'm elevating my foot as much as possible and icing it as much as I can. Of course, I'm trying to not walk on it too much either.

Even though there wasn't any metal involved, I've had a tetanus shot in the last year so I wasn't worried about that. I'm not too worried about infection either since I'm keeping it clean, and even though it's red it's not hot. I'm keeping a very good eye on it. Even though I know all of this, that didn't stop me from waking up at 4:30 A.M. this morning and starting to panic.

I woke up and my foot was throbbing. I got up to grab a new ice pack and I could hardly walk. Instead of taking a second and realizing that my foot was most likely sore from being a little swollen and not having much movement with it through out the night, I went to that dark place. I starting thinking "What if it gets so infected I have to go in the hospital? Or what if I get an infection so bad they have to amputate my foot?" Clearly this was not rational thoughts. I was easily going into the catastrophic thinking that has been my downfall in the past.

By the time I got my ice pack and was back in bed, I felt the heat in the back of my neck and the nausea in my stomach. All the signs that my anxiety was building. I could have easily called for my parents to talk me down from this, but I decided I was going to do it on my own. I realized that if I'm ever going to move out and be on my own, I have to take care of myself sometimes.

I started going over in my head again the things I know. I've had necessary shots recently. I cleaned it very well. I am continuing to clean it. I'm keeping a close eye on it. I'm smart enough to know when enough is enough if it does get infected. And then I said a small little prayer to help me control my unrealistic thoughts, my worry, to help my foot heal properly, and without any trouble. By doing all of this, I was able to calm myself down.

Needless to say I am still a little nervous. My health and the health of my loved ones is the biggest root and cause for my anxiety. It was just a true test as I get ready to close this chapter and start a new one. And if you ask me, I may not have aced it, but I defiantly passed.

Day 362- Just Keep Growing

I've learned that even though I have made huge strides, there is always still room to grow. No one is perfect, so it means there are always things to work on. As we get older things change. Our views become different, our priorities shift, and our lives  go in directions we could have never imagined. As a result we may have ups and we may have downs. The only way to keep going is to keep growing.

I know how hard it is to make a change. It has to become a priority. Almost like a full time job. You have to be conscious of what you are doing if you want to fix something. But take it from me, it is so worth it. The sense of accomplishment and pride in knowing that the only person who can get the credit is yourself. Sure you may have help. Ultimately though it is only ourselves who can the choice to grow and change, and it is only ourselves who can put it the work.  

Day 361- The Little Things

I've learned that it really is the little things in life that can make or break us. Today was a perfect example of that. I overslept this morning, didn't get everything I wanted to get done at work today done even though I stayed almost an hour late, and my leftovers I was excited to eat from dinner last night were no longer good. But that's ok because tonight made up for all that. 

When I was out walking Tyson I came across a stray dog. With the help of a few people I was able to get the dog back to its owners. Then when I went to the gym afterwards I moved up a level on my 5k training and it wasn't that bad. I was able to do it. It was those 2 little things that ended up making this day a good day. 

So remember, the little things can make all the difference. 

Day 360- Communication

I've learned the best way for me to deal and cope with things is through communication. Whether it is talking out my feelings or writing them out, it is the best way I know how to deal with things. 

Day 359-Mama Bear

I've learned that in every single group of friends I have had I have taken on the mom role. It could be because I'm fairly responsible when it comes to myself and others. I am always making sure everyone is safe and that no one is left behind. I also am the one that seems to be the advice giver and the listener. I don't mind it. It comes pretty naturally for me. Maybe it's practice for the future. 

Day 358- Be Selfish

I've learned one of the best things you can do is be selfish. Does that mean that you shouldn't do things for others simply because you don't want to? No. Does it mean that you shouldn't think about others? No. It means that you have to be willing to make sure you have to be willing to take care of yourself, otherwise you won't be any good to anyone.

When I was going through my issues, I was the most selfish person. I was always thinking about myself. I felt like I was always talking about MYself and My problems. I was so in my head that I was never truly present when I was with others. I would break plans or not even make them because I was worried if I wouldn't enjoy them. I was the wrong kind of selfish.

Now that I am feeling like myself again I am a different kind of selfish. In fact, I'm not sure if it really is selfish. It it more that I am self-aware. I know the signs when I am having some anxiety or sadness creep in. When I notice those I do the things that I know I need to do to get back to a positive place. By taking the time to make sure I am the best version of myself I can make sure to give everyone I encounter my best.
 

Day 357- Cuddle Bug

I've learned that there is no better feeling than coming home after a long day and curling up and cuddling with your puppy. 

Day 356- Still Have Doubts

One thing I have learned is that I still have doubts, especially when it comes to religion and God. I'd be lying if I didn't say I have had moments of absolute certainty about God, and that it was the belief that someone was looking out for me and church that helped me to get through this. But like all humans I'm not perfect and I still don't have an unshakable faith. But the thing that separates me from others is that I want to and I'm going to work at it and seek out what ultimately is the truth for me. 

One thing I have learned is that I 100% believe that everything happens for a reason. I haven't learned though what I think is behind that. If everything happens for a reason, then there must be a plan for all of us. We all must have a path for a lives. So who is the one that determines that path? Is a creator? Is that path determined before we are ever born? These are the questions I still don't know what the answers for myself are. 

For me, the hardest part is when I read the Bible. The stories seem unbelievable to me. Then again, aren't they suppose to be? Wasn't Jesus larger and greater than all of us? I do believe there was somebody named Jesus alive at one point. I do believe he must have done amazing things and was an incredible man. I believe he created a following and taught people how to live a good life. A life where we are good to others and who have hope and belief in something greater than ourselves. Those facts I am sure of. 

Another thing I have learned and that I can't shake is the fact that once I started opening up to the idea and possibly of God was when things changed for me. When I started going to church, reading the Bible, listening to worship music, and being around others who are believers, things got better. To me, that is a sign that Jesus and God are real. When I started opening up to God and seeking Him was when I started to get better. I don't know where my spiritual journey will  go, but I know that I am open to it and learning more about it.

Day 355- Cross It Off

I've learned there is no better feeling than having a dream and accomplishing it. part of the reason my depression developed was because I didn't think I had things to look forward to anymore. I felt like I had anxiety, I was miserable, and that's how it was always going to be. Nothing would ever be fun again because my anxiety would always get in the way. I realized that in order to have things to look forward to I had to do it myself.

I started thinking about things that I wanted to do; things I wanted to accomplish. Some of them were little, and some of them were big. Eventually I realized that I had essentially been writing a bucket list. To be honest, I didn't think I would cross any of them off this past year. I crossed off a total of 36 items this past year. Each time the feeling was great. What is even better is as I cross something off, I seem to find something else to add. When one dream is realized, another one is created.

Bucket List Item

29.) Plant a vegetable garden.

Day 354-I Have To

I've learned that in life there are some things you have to do. You dont necessarily always want to do them, but you have to.

Day 353- Don't Know

I've learned that just like when it comes to a topic to write about tonight, sometimes you just don't know. We have no idea what will happen in the future. For a control freak like me who like to know everything, this is terrifying. A lot of my anxiety was related to not feeling like I was in control and not knowing what will happen from one day to the next.

I use to, even before I got out of bed, start to worry if the I was going to have a good day or bad day. No one can know that. I can't even tell you how many days I thought were going to go one way, but ended up going the complete opposite. Sometimes that's a good thing.

Even though I have learned that we can't know what will happen in the future, I can't tell you how I learned to accept that. I still like to have as much control as possible, but I'm not as terrified as I was. It still scares me, the future, but I think because I know I will be alright no matter what happens it is less scary.

For me, the past 2-3 years have been HELL. I wouldn't wish on anyone to go through the feelings and thoughts I felt. It is honestly the hardest thing I have been through, and I've been through a lot. If I was able to help myself to get out of it, there is nothing I won't be able to rise above. I know there will be downs and though times again at some point, but knowing I will be fine is the only thing about the future I need to know.

Day 352- Lobster Tail

I have learned this past year that I actually enjoy going to sushi. Now I still don't eat it, but I enjoy going. It is one thing that my girlfriends and I go to regularly. One thing I like most about it is that it has allowed me to try something new. The first time and many times after I was anti-fish. I would never try it. This past year I finally tried fried lobster tail and I LOVE it!! If I take this little advice for myself and be willing to try new things, who knows what I'll find!!

Day 351- Stress Vs. Anxiety

For me, I have learned that I handle stress and anxiety completely different. I know a lot of times these two emotions are put together and made to mean the same thing, but they aren't. Just because I am stressed out does not mean that I'm experiencing anxiety as well. For me, there are specific things that give me stress and completely different things that give me anxiety. 

Stress is defined as : " a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances." For me I get stress if a lot of calls come in at the same time at work, if I'm running late for an appointment, or if I don't have enough time to get something done. It is a completely different feeling both physically and mentally for me. It usually involves a lot of adrenaline  felling overwhelmed, and feeling like I can get agitated very easily.

Anxiety is defined as : "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." For me I get anxiety when I'm not feeling well and I don't know why, when a family member is sick all of a sudden, when I am overly tired, or when I think about how my life will turn out. When I'm feeling axioms I feel very on edge, like I can cry at any minute, I get heat waves, and I will have spells where I feel like my skin is crawling. It also because very hard for me to fully focus. 

One of the biggest things I have learned this year is the difference in what gives me stress versus what gives me anxiety. I have also learned what those feelings are like in my body. Since I am able to recognize it I am better able to figure out how I handle those emotions. This allow me to keep my stress to developing anxiety.

Day 350- Trash TV

I learned that my favorite type of television to watch is what most people call trash TV. I love reality television. Some of my favorites are Dancing With The Stars, The Voice, Snooki and JWoww, Gulianna and Bill, and The Challenge. Perhaps my favorite is not actually a reality show, but still is not a scripted show either; The Ellen Degeneres Show. I feel like all these shows are fun, uplifting, and show more of the positive sides of life instead of being negative like a lot of the other TV out there. If I'm going to escape and watch something to be entertained, I want it to be uplifting.

Day 349- B-E-A-C-H

In order to be happy I need to live no more than an hour away from a beach. It helps to calm me. It is my happy place.

Day 348- I Can Do Anything

I learned this past year that there is nothing I can't do if I try hard enough. For example, this morning I walked my second 5k of this past year. When I started this project, I never thought that was possible. I also didn't think I would get as many page views as I have, or had as many people open up to me like they have.

Personality wise I never thought I would be able to change as much as I have in such a short amount of time. I'm still the same as I have always been in a lot of ways, but no where near who I was last year. Last year I was an emotional wreck. I was crying at the drop of a hat, I was nervous and worried all the time, I couldn't find the positive in almost anything, and I was so unhappy. Now I still cry a lot, but that is how I've always been. A sappy movie or a deserving family getting a car, I'm weeping all over the place. I also still worry, but it does not get out of control; I know how to real it back now. I still can be rather negative, but it is so much easier for me to see the positive side as well. Sometimes the positive thought comes before the negative thought! Most importantly, I can say I'm no longer unhappy. I have realized there are so many good things in life and so many things to appreciate, that it's tough not to have at least one happy moment each day.

I can't wait to see all the things I'll accomplish this next year.

Day 347- Real Friends

This past year I truly learned who my real friends are. These are the people that I will have in my life for the rest of my life. They listened to all my wild thoughts, picked me up when I was down, and supported me along the way. They both were figuratively and literally my shoulders to cry on at different times. They never judged me or made me feel any more crazy than I was already feeling at the time. So to those, who know who you are, thank you. I can't wait to see what else happens in our lives and friendships. 

Day 346- I Just Don't Want To

This past year I learned that some nights I just don't know what to write about. Tonight is one of those nights. I have also learned that when I make a promise to myself and fully commit, I will do what I have set out to do. Even if it is nothing but the bare minimum. I still do something instead of nothing.