Day 91- Rx

By now you know that I have been able to make the progress I have with the help of family, friends, church, and both individual and group therapy. There is one thing I have not told you that has also helped me and it has been medication. For me, finally deciding to take medication was one of the hardest decisions I've made during this entire process. To me, going on medication was a sign that I had given up; that I wasn't strong enough to conquer this illness on my own. I still feel this way, but only some times.

I have always hated taking medication. Maybe the reason is because I was given so much of it as a child with all my surgeries, or maybe it's because I tend to have a very high pain tolerance. I remember after my last open heart surgery when I was 22 years-old I asked if I could just take regular Tylenol for pain instead of anything stronger. I do know the tolls that medication can have on your body and immune system which is part of the reason I don't like medication, but I also think it's important not to take medication for every small thing because there is often a reason why we are feeling that way. It's our body trying to tell us something. I feel like I know my body fairly well because of this. Also, because I am fairly thin, my body is a lot more sensitive to medication. I think this is good...I would NEVER make a good drug addict.

There are a few exceptions however. I have very bad allergies and in the spring I will take Benadryl from time to time, otherwise I will get sinus infections almost every month for about 3-4 months straight. When this happens I will take antibiotics, but that's it. Last summer, though, I had terrible food poisoning to the point I went to the emergency room. I became so anxiety ridden after this I couldn't function. My doctor at the time suggested that I take Klonopin for a few days to settle down.

I ended up taking half of the smallest dose a day and that was it. Even though I was feeling better after only a few days I continued to take it every day because I soon developed anxiety about not taking it. For those of you who don't know, Klonopin is highly addictive and dangerous. I knew this so I refused to increase my dose, but after a month the half wasn't enough. My body got addicted to it, and I'm sure that my mind did a little too because I worried about what would happen if I stopped taking it. Now this next part is only theory, but because  I would still only take a half I feel like my body was in a constant state of withdrawal for the next few months. Every day I was tired, dizzy, nauseous, my skin felt weird unless I was touching it, and I felt like my brain wasn't connected to my body. I finally decided I couldn't do this anymore and need to stopped taking the medication. I didn't care if my anxiety came back, this was worse. So I consulted with my doctor and over a few weeks I eased myself off the medication.

After I stopped taking the Klonopin, I began feeling better. Then around Christmas time my anxiety got really bad again. It was around this time I decided to go see a therapist and I consulted with my doctor again. She explained that antidepressants actually are really good in helping with anxiety, not just depression. She knew how sensitive I was to medicine so she prescribed me Buspirone, which is a very lose dose antidepressant. It is so low in fact it doesn't work for most people. It didn't work for me. After 4 weeks and not seeing any kind of improvement (which most antidepressants take 4-6 weeks for some improvement and up to 3-4 months to get the total affect) my doctor and I decided to ween me off of it.

At this same time I was looking for a new therapist because I wasn't feeling connected to mine. It was about 2 weeks of no medication that I found my therapist I have now. She also suggested I see a doctor and suggested medication, but said the decision was all my own. She wanted me to go to the doctor she worked closely with, that way they could discuss things if they needed to. After seeing this doctor she too told me the decision was all mine, but she really thought I could benefit too. I left that day with a written prescription for Lexapro and specific instructions on how to take it if I decided to. The doctor told me to come back in 2 weeks and we would go from there. A few days later I took my first dose.

I'm sure a lot of people reading this can't understand why I was so resistant to take the medicine. In our world so many want the quick fix, but I didn't. I wanted to fix it and never have to again. I didn't want to just put a band aid on the wound, I wanted to make sure the wound never re-opened and I knew the only way to do that was to put in the work. I still don't like that I have to take medication, but I know that I need to. I had already changed my diet, started exercising, began meditating, was seeing a therapist, had multiple physical exams to check it wasn't something else, but I was still not getting better. The medication was the last piece of the puzzle.

For me, I really was scared. We see all those commercials for antidepressants on television and the list of side effects is ridiculous. For me, I was most scared of the possibility that things could get worse. I was scared that I wouldn't be myself anymore, that some how the medicine would change me. I made sure I told my parents I was going to start taking medicine and that they knew things to look for when it came to it not working or making it worse. But the person I really had to talk with and prepare for this was me. I realized that part of the reason the other medication didn't work was because I wasn't ready for it. Just like an addict has to be physically, emotionally, and mentally ready to get better, so did I.


Its been about 3 1/2 months now since I started with Lexapro. There have been a few side effects, like clenching my jaw and getting tired easier, but they are nothing to what I imagined. As a reminder, medication is not always the answer; they can be dangerous if not taken correctly. Try things like exercise, diet, therapy, and ruling out other health possibilities first. If those things don't work, then talk to your doctor about how medicine can benefit. For me medicine, along with all the other changes I've made, has not only gave me my life back, but saved my life.

Day 91- Photo a Day Challenge- Selfie

Day 90- You Got A Friend In Me

When it comes to friends, I'm pretty lucky. I've never been the type to have a ton of friends. I've had my fair acquaintances, but there is only a select few I call true friends. It has been through the support of my close group of friends that I have been able to get through the last few rough years. They are so supportive that when I asked them all today if it would be alright with them if I could post a picture of them here, they were all so excited. I asked them if it was OK first since the subject matter of this blog is a little more serious  than what people post on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter most of the time . Even though I asked first, I knew deep down they would agree to it. I still am going to just use their initials instead of their full name though, just for some privacy. So, are you ready to meet my friends!?

Definitely my oldest friends are M & A. We kinda never really had a choice in the matter because our moms grew up together and have been friends since elementary school (They are still friends 40+ years later). M is only a year younger than me and A is 9 years younger than me. When people ask though, I don't call them my friends; instead I call them my cousins. They really are family to me. It really is disappointing that they both live in Montreal, Canada because we don't get to see each other that much. But every time we do it's like we had just seen each other the day before. I can't even tell you how many times in the last 2 years I have called and cried and vented to them. And they have always just listened and supported me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to pay them back for that, but I will definitely try. When I first got sick almost 2 years ago M and her fiancé wrote me a letter and in it they said that "Family isn't whose blood you have, it's whom you care about." Well they have and always will be family.

I am also very lucky to have 4 girlfriends who are my rocks. We really make an effort to try and get together at least once a week, but with all of us having different schedules it can sometimes go to every other week. Out of all the girls I have been friends with R the longest. We first met in second grade when we had the same teacher. After that we started going to each others birthday parties and having sleepovers. One of my favorite memories from when I was a kid was when a bunch of us slept over at R's house for her birthday and we were all playing with our hair and make up in her parents bathroom. In high school we had different classes and different groups of friends, but that didn't matter because we stayed friends. We eventually ended up studying the same thing at the same college and we graduated right next to each other. A few years ago R broke up with her boyfriend. Even though it was a really stressful time I wouldn't change it because we grew extremely close as a result. She is the one friend that I can go awhile without talking to and it's like no time has passed. She is also one of the only people that with just a look we know what the other is thinking. I'm very grateful to have her in my life.

     The next girl I have known the longest is N. She also went to the same elementary school, junior high, high school, and college as me but we never had classes together. It was during those times that I would have said we were more acquaintances than friends, but over the last 2 years we have become very close. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are very similar in personality (maybe because we were born only 3 days apart). We both stress a lot, are clean freaks, and really value the relationships we have. She has sorta become my sound board these last few years. For whatever reason I feel most comfortable talking to her than all my other friends about the serious stuff. I think because she really does just listen with very little judgement and offers so much encouragement. I don't know how I would have survived these last few years without her. My hope is that we will be friends for a very long time because everyone needs a friend like her in their life.

    The other two girls that make up our circle of five are N and A. I have known N for about the last 3 years and A for the last 2 years. I met both of them through R because they all use to work together. I feel like without them we would all never hangout. They always seem to be the ones planning everything. N is always upbeat and has such a positive energy that it's very hard to be sad when you're around her. I know if I'm ever down I can just hangout with her and that will change. And A completes the circle. The thing I admire most about her is how she always says what's she thinking. You want an honest opinion, go to her. She is also super close with her family and I know she will do anything for anyone she truly cares about. I couldn't imagine my life right now without these two in it. 

The story about my next friend of mine is my mom's favorite to tell. D and I were friends before we even knew it. We were born at the same hospital, the same year, 3 days apart. We were both in the ICU when we were born because I had a lot of health issues and he was a premie. We had the same ICU nurse, which means that our incubators were literally right next to each other. After we left the hospital I went to live and grow up in Santa Clarita, he went to North Hollywood. After high school his family ended up moving to Santa Clarita, and he and I ended up working at the same clothing store. We were friends while we worked there together and would hangout outside of work. One of our old co-workers and friends had a baby and delivered at the same hospital both he and I were born at. It was then, 21 years later, when we were talking about where we were born that we figured out that we had been incubator buddies right after birth. I'm still amazed after all these years that we "found" each other and became friends 19 years later, and we didn't even know we had met all those years before. I'm so glad we did find each other though because he has been my biggest support system besides my family. Especially in the beginning. I think it would have been a lot worse if he hadn't been there, and for that I'm so grateful.

I also have to mention, my first friend ever when I was 3 years-old was my next door neighbor V. She and I are still friends, and probably will be for the rest of our lives because her parents live next door to my parents and both have said they are never moving. She is now a psychiatrist and who I have received a lot of help and information from. I didn't get a hold of her to ask about putting her picture up, but I still wanted to mention her. 

So, there you have it. Those are my friends who I love as much as I love my family. They have been amazing encouragers of mine and who I am so appreciative to have in my life. I will always feel indebted to them for all they have done for me lately. As a thank you, please enjoy the song below. It reminds me of all of you. Love you guys!

Day 90- Photo a Day Challenge- Best Friends (Note: I really need to take pictures with my friends soon because my hair hasn't been blonde for almost 2 years)

      

Day 89- School Days

If I could describe my perfect job it would to be not work at all. Now I wouldn't want to just sit around and do nothing. I wish I could just win the lottery so I wouldn't have to worry about money, and then go to school and volunteer the rest of my life. That would be my perfect job.

I'm one of those weird people who loved going to school. I love being in class, working on projects, and learning new things. I even don't mind homework that much. I do, however, hate taking tests and giving presentations, but I can manage them. I think why I like it so much is because I was really lucky that school has always come pretty easy to me and I always did really well.

One of the more disappointing things is that I have yet to return to school to get Master's Degree. I'm hoping one day I can, but at this point it's not financially possible. If I was able to go to school forever I would get not only my Master's, but probably a bunch of different Bachelor's and Master's Degrees in a ton of different subjects so that I can learn anything and everything I could. All the while, I would volunteer at either a hospital, animal rescue, or with children.

It's been just over 5 years since I was in school and sometimes I don't miss it, but a lot of times I do.

Day 89- Photo a Day Challenge- Last Day of School

Day 88- Reality TV Star?

How many out there watch reality television? I certainly do! I probably watch more reality television than non-reality. Being the age I am, my favorite is all the challenges between The Real World seasons on MTV. Growing up I always thought it would be cool to be on one of those shows just because they all get to travel to amazing places. Then when the reality show like Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County was huge on MTV my friends and I always use to say that we had enough drama in our group of friends that we could have our own show called Santa Clarita: The Real Valley.

How many people out there would actually want to be on a reality show? If you do/did, have you ever given thought to what you would look like on camera? Would you seem like a happy and easy going person, a sad and drama filled person, the shy girl, the man whore, the liar, or the shows star? When I was asked how I think others view me, I really had to think about it. I knew I didn't smile or laugh often. I had also been told that it seemed like I was in my head a lot...always thinking, but not vocalizing my thoughts. I realized overall I would be perceived like a very quiet, shy, and unhappy person if I was being followed by a camera all the time.

Once I realized this I became very aware of what I was expressing on the outside. I didn't want to be looked at how I knew I probably was, quiet, unhappy, and all in my head. I knew I had to change because I didn't want to become that. Now I wasn't concerned about what others thought of me. I was concerned that I wasn't expressing the person I WANTED TO BE.

In order to make this change anytime I felt like I was looking sad or thinking too much, I would put a smile on my face and make myself seem more inviting to others. I did this a lot at work since I spend a lot of time there and I see more people there than any other place. I also knew that when I was all "in my head" I would become quiet and come off as shy. So as soon as I noticed this I would go up to a customer and start up a conversation by using my open ended question asking skills I learned from my journalism classes in college. Over time, the more and more I did this I noticed that I slowly started to project the image I wanted. There are definitely still times that I catch myself not projecting who I want to be. When this happens I think to myself, "If I was on camera right now, what would I look like?" Then I change it to how I want to look: outgoing, friendly, and happy.

Now, I want to restate that it's important to remember that as long as you are happy with the image you project to the world, than it doesn't matter what others think or perceive you to be. We all know that perceptions can be wrong. But when you are not satisfied with the image you are projecting, then there is something you can do to change it. For me it took wondering what I would come off as if I was the star of my own reality show to learn how to change it.

Day 88- Photo a Day Challenge- Bathing Suit

I know there are a lot of girls who have hundreds of bathing suits. I'm not one of those girls, but I think I have enough.

Day 87- It's in The Name

I spent most of the day at work, and even though I could think of a hundred other things I could have done today I still found something to make me smile.

When I was ringing up a customer who was paying with a credit card I asked to see her ID. Out of habit I waited to see her ID before checking the credit card and as soon as I saw her last name I smiled. Her last name was Happy. How cool is that!?!



Day 87- Photo a Day Challenge- Nails

Right now my finger nails are painted pink.

Day 86- Back on Track

After my hike yesterday I thought to myself, "How am I going to run a 5K in November when I can barely hike up these hills?" The truth is I haven't been keeping up very well with my training for it. So today on my lunch break I downloaded an app on my phone called C25K (Couch to 5K), that gets you ready to run a 5K in an 8 week period. You have to run only 3 days a week, but it slowly gets you ready. I think by having this mini "coach" it will make it easier.

Tonight I went up to the park above my house to start my day 1 of running. I brought my dad with me because it was near sunset and I didn't want to be at the park by myself in the dark. It's just not safe. I'm very glad he was there not only for that reason, but because he actually helped to motivate me. For whatever reason because I go to the gym every now and then, my dad thinks I'm in good shape. When I was about half through this first run, I thought to myself that I was done...I couldn't run anymore. Then I saw my dad watching me and I knew I couldn't change his opinion about my fitness. So, I kept going and I finished.

Day 86- Photo a Day Challenge- Flip Flops

I only own 2 pairs of flip flops, but I own A LOT of sandals.

Day 85- I'm On a Roll

I get to check off another item on my bucket list!

71.) Hike Towsley Canyon.

For anyone who lives in Santa Clarita, Towsley Canyon is one of the must to do if you are going to hike in the city. I have never hiked it.......until today.

I texted my sister-in-law last night and told her I didn't have work today and wanted to see if she and my nieces wanted to go for a hike. Since her, my brother, and my nieces are all very active and athletic she said yes. Plus it helped to get my nieces out of the house since they are on summer break right now.

We decided to do the Towsley loop which is a 5.1 mile hike. This is the longest I have ever hiked and was definitely the hardest. A lot of the hike is uphill and at points is fairly steep. There were multiple points that I felt like I wouldn't be able to make it. With the help of my family, and the fact that their 5 lb. dog was not only keeping up he was in the lead, I was motivated and able to do it. I will definitely be sore tomorrow, but it will be worth it.

Along the way we saw many pretty rocks, caves, and plants. We saw 2 HUGE birds of pray, 2 deer, a few squirrels, and a snake. I was a little panicked when we saw the snake because I am terrified of them, but since I was at the back of the group and farthest from it it, I managed. Plus I didn't really look at it.

It was so cool to not only see most of Valencia when we got to the top, but it was just amazing to see another side to Santa Clarita. Most of the time when we are driving on the 5 and 14 freeways, we don't realize what it's like on/in those mountains on the side of the freeways. It was like we were somewhere else, not the city I've lived in almost my entire life. It was actually a really beautiful reminder to realize that all this life and nature is going on all around us.

It was also a reminder of how far I've come (yes, this will be how getting over something is like climbing a mountain). The whole idea of starting at the bottom and working your way to the top and overcoming your struggles and hardships. Today I was literally at the top of a mountain, figuratively I'm the closest I've been to the top of my personal mountain than I have been in the last 2 years. It hasn't been easy, in fact its been really, really hard. But just like today, I've had my family with me every step of the way helping me along. I've also had a little 5 lb. dog motivating through this; every time I log on and see that someone else has viewed my blog it's motivated me to keep going and keep climbing to the top.

Day 85- Photo a Day Challenge- Makeup

I've always been the type of girl that wears makeup almost every day, but I've never been the type of girl to spend a lot of money on it or have tones of it. Here is the makeup I wear pretty much every day.