As the day has progressed I have felt myself slowly fall into a funk. I don't feel completely sad or completely happy, I just feel kind of blah. I think the reason is because the last four days I have worked a lot and they have been all closing shifts. Because of that I wasn't able to go out with friends last night, every night I have come home my parents were already in bed, and I didn't get to go to church today. I also think when I haven't spent a lot of time with my dog he notices and gets mad at me because he has been grouchy with me when he usually isn't.
All these things, spending time with my friends, my parents, church, and my dog, are all very important to me. They are also crucial parts in helping me to stay positive and happy. Thankfully tomorrow and Tuesday I already have set plans to spend time with friends, family, and my dog so this funk should be fading soon.
Day 105- Words of Wisdom.... "It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance."
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Day 104- I'm Not Angry Anymore
For a long time I was really angry about having to deal with being affected by anxiety and later depression. A lot of times I would think, "Why me?" and "Haven't I dealt with enough already?" I just couldn't understand why it was all happening to me. At this point, I didn't know anyone who had dealt with these feelings. I felt all alone which made me even more mad that I had no one who could relate and understand.
At the start I thought anxiety was something I had to deal with for a little and that it would go away eventually. As time passed and things weren't getting any better, I became angrier that I would now have these feelings for the rest of my life. I didn't realize that this was something that if I put enough work in, I could change. I could get rid of the anxiety as well as the depression I was slowly developing as well.
Once I realized that help was possible, the feelings of hostility in me didn't go away. That's because if I was going to get help I would have to pay for it, and that was going to be expensive. It got to a point though that I had to really sit down and become conscious of the fact that the way I was living was not up to what I would consider the quality at which I wanted to be living my life. I needed help and it didn't matter the cost. Sure getting help meant that I would need to put things on my credit card since I couldn't pay for things up front, but I realized feeling good and healthy again was priceless to me. I would pay anything.
Even when I had finally started the process of therapy and taking medication, the anger didn't fade right away. I was getting and feeling better, but I was still mad I had to do this process. It wasn't until last week when I got a moment of clarity that the anger went away. Over the last month or so, I have received a few emails and had a few conversations with others that were so important and encouraging about this entire blog writing process. In all of these emails and talks, I was told that I had become not only a source of information and inspiration, I helped to make some not feel alone like I did. I realized that the reason why I had to go through all this was because I had to write this blog not only for myself, but for others as well.
When I first told my therapist the idea for my blog she told me that when she started in therapy that she knew as long as she helped one person she would feel satisfied no matter what else she did in her career. I feel this way too. Once I realized that I was helping others and not just myself I no longer felt angry. Even if it ends up just being one person for one second who can relate and feel not alone, than there is no way I can ever be angry about going through issues of anxiety and depression. I realized this was the plan all along. I can't be angry about that.
Day 104- Words of Wisdom.... "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
At the start I thought anxiety was something I had to deal with for a little and that it would go away eventually. As time passed and things weren't getting any better, I became angrier that I would now have these feelings for the rest of my life. I didn't realize that this was something that if I put enough work in, I could change. I could get rid of the anxiety as well as the depression I was slowly developing as well.
Once I realized that help was possible, the feelings of hostility in me didn't go away. That's because if I was going to get help I would have to pay for it, and that was going to be expensive. It got to a point though that I had to really sit down and become conscious of the fact that the way I was living was not up to what I would consider the quality at which I wanted to be living my life. I needed help and it didn't matter the cost. Sure getting help meant that I would need to put things on my credit card since I couldn't pay for things up front, but I realized feeling good and healthy again was priceless to me. I would pay anything.
Even when I had finally started the process of therapy and taking medication, the anger didn't fade right away. I was getting and feeling better, but I was still mad I had to do this process. It wasn't until last week when I got a moment of clarity that the anger went away. Over the last month or so, I have received a few emails and had a few conversations with others that were so important and encouraging about this entire blog writing process. In all of these emails and talks, I was told that I had become not only a source of information and inspiration, I helped to make some not feel alone like I did. I realized that the reason why I had to go through all this was because I had to write this blog not only for myself, but for others as well.
When I first told my therapist the idea for my blog she told me that when she started in therapy that she knew as long as she helped one person she would feel satisfied no matter what else she did in her career. I feel this way too. Once I realized that I was helping others and not just myself I no longer felt angry. Even if it ends up just being one person for one second who can relate and feel not alone, than there is no way I can ever be angry about going through issues of anxiety and depression. I realized this was the plan all along. I can't be angry about that.
Day 104- Words of Wisdom.... "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
Friday, July 12, 2013
Day 103- Exhausted
After an almost 10 hour work day, I am finally home. All I have to say is...
GOODNIGHT!!
Day 103- Words of Wisdom...."No matter how hard you try or how much time you spend worrying, some things just cannot be changed."
GOODNIGHT!!
Day 103- Words of Wisdom...."No matter how hard you try or how much time you spend worrying, some things just cannot be changed."
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Day 102- Free Slurpees
For those of you who don't know, every year on July 11th, 7-eleven convenience stores gives away free small slurpees from 11am-7pm. I thought this was a great opportunity to spend some time with my 3 favorite girls, my nieces.
Day 102- Words of Wisdom...."It takes very little effort to become outstanding." AND "Be someone you would want to be friends with."
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Day 101- Happy Birthday B!
Today my eldest niece turns 15 years-old. I can't believe how fast it has gone. One of my happiest memories ever was when my brother and his wife first told us they were having her. Not only was she going to make them first time parents, but she was making me a first time aunt. Now, my older brother is much older than myself and my younger brother. He is actually 13 years older than me, which is neat because I'm exactly 13 years older than my niece B.
When they told us, they were currently living up north in Fremont, CA. They had come down at Christmas time to spend some time with us during the holiday. They told us that they had a gift for each of us, but we all had to sit down and open it at the same time. So my dad, mom, younger brother, and I sat down and we were all given envelopes. Inside there was a card that read Merry Christmas. When I opened it though it read, "Merry Christmas Auntie Jen." It took me a minute to understand it, but when my mom started repeating, "Really? Really? For real?" I got it. I remember that was one of my happiest moments ever. I couldn't believe I was going to be an aunt to a little niece or nephew.
15 years later, B is one of the most amazing young women I have ever known. She is not only beautiful, but she is soooooooo smart. If anyone in this world is going to find a cure for cancer, I would put my money on it being her. She is also mature, has a good head on her shoulders, and works so hard at everything she does. She is an amazing cross country and track and field runner. I truly enjoy all the times I get to hangout with her, both individually and with the family.
I'm so grateful that my brother and his wife decided to move back and so close to us. I feel so lucky that I get to watch her grow up. Also, she probably doesn't realize how much she has helped these last few years in getting over my anxiety and depression by just being her. I can't wait one day when she is older and she can fully understand this time in my life, that I can thank her.
So B, happy birthday! I love you and I love being your aunt!
Day 101- Words of Wisdom.... "Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend."
When they told us, they were currently living up north in Fremont, CA. They had come down at Christmas time to spend some time with us during the holiday. They told us that they had a gift for each of us, but we all had to sit down and open it at the same time. So my dad, mom, younger brother, and I sat down and we were all given envelopes. Inside there was a card that read Merry Christmas. When I opened it though it read, "Merry Christmas Auntie Jen." It took me a minute to understand it, but when my mom started repeating, "Really? Really? For real?" I got it. I remember that was one of my happiest moments ever. I couldn't believe I was going to be an aunt to a little niece or nephew.
15 years later, B is one of the most amazing young women I have ever known. She is not only beautiful, but she is soooooooo smart. If anyone in this world is going to find a cure for cancer, I would put my money on it being her. She is also mature, has a good head on her shoulders, and works so hard at everything she does. She is an amazing cross country and track and field runner. I truly enjoy all the times I get to hangout with her, both individually and with the family.
I'm so grateful that my brother and his wife decided to move back and so close to us. I feel so lucky that I get to watch her grow up. Also, she probably doesn't realize how much she has helped these last few years in getting over my anxiety and depression by just being her. I can't wait one day when she is older and she can fully understand this time in my life, that I can thank her.
So B, happy birthday! I love you and I love being your aunt!
Day 101- Words of Wisdom.... "Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend."
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Day 100- Control
All of my anxiety in the past has been not feeling like I was in control of things. I wanted to know everything, know all the answers. It was not feeling in control in my situations, especially my body, that would cause the most anxiety in me. How I have become more relaxed and comfortable in letting go of control is by 2 ways. The first is really realizing that I have been through extremely hard things because of my health as a child. Yes they were tough physically, but they were tough mentally and emotionally as well. I got through those things just fine. If I was in control of my life I probably would have chosen not to experience any of those things. If I didn't, then who would I be now? I probably wouldn't be as strong mentally and emotionally as I am; I probably wouldn't be as determined as i am to never be treated differently; I probably wouldn't be so close with my family; and I probably wouldn't be as compassionate towards others in need.
The other way I got passed my control issues was realizing that I was in control all the time. There is a saying "The only thing we can control is how we deal with things." I know that life is going to throw me things, I can't control that. I can, however, control how I react, cope, and deal. By having this small comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have some tiny bit of control, made the larger fear of having no control grow smaller.
Day 100- Words of Wisdom.... "The Answer I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer."
The other way I got passed my control issues was realizing that I was in control all the time. There is a saying "The only thing we can control is how we deal with things." I know that life is going to throw me things, I can't control that. I can, however, control how I react, cope, and deal. By having this small comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have some tiny bit of control, made the larger fear of having no control grow smaller.
Day 100- Words of Wisdom.... "The Answer I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Monday, July 8, 2013
Day 99- The End of A Chapter
Tonight was the last night of my therapy group. It has been a few weeks since we last all saw each other last and it was nice to see that for the most part, everyone was doing well. When I first entered this group my biggest goal was to gather more coping skills. I had already done a lot as far as gathering information and understanding in my anxiety and what my triggers were. I just didn't really have a game plan for when these issues arose. Now that I'm all done, I feel like I gained what I wanted to.
For me, the talk part of this therapy group was not as valuable as the art part of it. I really learned that doing art projects really helps me to get rid of all the anxious energy I have when my anxiety is present. By focusing all my energy in a new and positive direction, I am able to release all those anxious thoughts and feelings. Also, I knew it was before, but I really realized how important writing is to my sanity. With this realization, I feel more equipped for when things come up. I still feel like there are things I can learn and more skills I could gain, but for now I gained what I wanted and set out to.
Day 99- Words of Wisdom...."On the road of life there are many paths."
For me, the talk part of this therapy group was not as valuable as the art part of it. I really learned that doing art projects really helps me to get rid of all the anxious energy I have when my anxiety is present. By focusing all my energy in a new and positive direction, I am able to release all those anxious thoughts and feelings. Also, I knew it was before, but I really realized how important writing is to my sanity. With this realization, I feel more equipped for when things come up. I still feel like there are things I can learn and more skills I could gain, but for now I gained what I wanted and set out to.
Day 99- Words of Wisdom...."On the road of life there are many paths."
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