Day 358- Be Selfish

I've learned one of the best things you can do is be selfish. Does that mean that you shouldn't do things for others simply because you don't want to? No. Does it mean that you shouldn't think about others? No. It means that you have to be willing to make sure you have to be willing to take care of yourself, otherwise you won't be any good to anyone.

When I was going through my issues, I was the most selfish person. I was always thinking about myself. I felt like I was always talking about MYself and My problems. I was so in my head that I was never truly present when I was with others. I would break plans or not even make them because I was worried if I wouldn't enjoy them. I was the wrong kind of selfish.

Now that I am feeling like myself again I am a different kind of selfish. In fact, I'm not sure if it really is selfish. It it more that I am self-aware. I know the signs when I am having some anxiety or sadness creep in. When I notice those I do the things that I know I need to do to get back to a positive place. By taking the time to make sure I am the best version of myself I can make sure to give everyone I encounter my best.
 

Day 357- Cuddle Bug

I've learned that there is no better feeling than coming home after a long day and curling up and cuddling with your puppy. 

Day 356- Still Have Doubts

One thing I have learned is that I still have doubts, especially when it comes to religion and God. I'd be lying if I didn't say I have had moments of absolute certainty about God, and that it was the belief that someone was looking out for me and church that helped me to get through this. But like all humans I'm not perfect and I still don't have an unshakable faith. But the thing that separates me from others is that I want to and I'm going to work at it and seek out what ultimately is the truth for me. 

One thing I have learned is that I 100% believe that everything happens for a reason. I haven't learned though what I think is behind that. If everything happens for a reason, then there must be a plan for all of us. We all must have a path for a lives. So who is the one that determines that path? Is a creator? Is that path determined before we are ever born? These are the questions I still don't know what the answers for myself are. 

For me, the hardest part is when I read the Bible. The stories seem unbelievable to me. Then again, aren't they suppose to be? Wasn't Jesus larger and greater than all of us? I do believe there was somebody named Jesus alive at one point. I do believe he must have done amazing things and was an incredible man. I believe he created a following and taught people how to live a good life. A life where we are good to others and who have hope and belief in something greater than ourselves. Those facts I am sure of. 

Another thing I have learned and that I can't shake is the fact that once I started opening up to the idea and possibly of God was when things changed for me. When I started going to church, reading the Bible, listening to worship music, and being around others who are believers, things got better. To me, that is a sign that Jesus and God are real. When I started opening up to God and seeking Him was when I started to get better. I don't know where my spiritual journey will  go, but I know that I am open to it and learning more about it.

Day 355- Cross It Off

I've learned there is no better feeling than having a dream and accomplishing it. part of the reason my depression developed was because I didn't think I had things to look forward to anymore. I felt like I had anxiety, I was miserable, and that's how it was always going to be. Nothing would ever be fun again because my anxiety would always get in the way. I realized that in order to have things to look forward to I had to do it myself.

I started thinking about things that I wanted to do; things I wanted to accomplish. Some of them were little, and some of them were big. Eventually I realized that I had essentially been writing a bucket list. To be honest, I didn't think I would cross any of them off this past year. I crossed off a total of 36 items this past year. Each time the feeling was great. What is even better is as I cross something off, I seem to find something else to add. When one dream is realized, another one is created.

Bucket List Item

29.) Plant a vegetable garden.

Day 354-I Have To

I've learned that in life there are some things you have to do. You dont necessarily always want to do them, but you have to.

Day 353- Don't Know

I've learned that just like when it comes to a topic to write about tonight, sometimes you just don't know. We have no idea what will happen in the future. For a control freak like me who like to know everything, this is terrifying. A lot of my anxiety was related to not feeling like I was in control and not knowing what will happen from one day to the next.

I use to, even before I got out of bed, start to worry if the I was going to have a good day or bad day. No one can know that. I can't even tell you how many days I thought were going to go one way, but ended up going the complete opposite. Sometimes that's a good thing.

Even though I have learned that we can't know what will happen in the future, I can't tell you how I learned to accept that. I still like to have as much control as possible, but I'm not as terrified as I was. It still scares me, the future, but I think because I know I will be alright no matter what happens it is less scary.

For me, the past 2-3 years have been HELL. I wouldn't wish on anyone to go through the feelings and thoughts I felt. It is honestly the hardest thing I have been through, and I've been through a lot. If I was able to help myself to get out of it, there is nothing I won't be able to rise above. I know there will be downs and though times again at some point, but knowing I will be fine is the only thing about the future I need to know.

Day 352- Lobster Tail

I have learned this past year that I actually enjoy going to sushi. Now I still don't eat it, but I enjoy going. It is one thing that my girlfriends and I go to regularly. One thing I like most about it is that it has allowed me to try something new. The first time and many times after I was anti-fish. I would never try it. This past year I finally tried fried lobster tail and I LOVE it!! If I take this little advice for myself and be willing to try new things, who knows what I'll find!!