How many of you out there are your own worst critic? I know I definitely am. I told you yesterday that a big problem of mine is that I never seem to give myself enough credit. A lot of it, I think, is because I set such high standards for myself that when I don't meet them I get disappointed. This can eventually lead into thoughts of "I'm not good enough" or "I'll never be able to get to my standards."
One prime example of this is my battle with anxiety. I thought I would be able to get over it in no time. I had heard other people who had, so I should be able to do that also. I had always bounced back so well from all my surgeries as a kid, I figured this would be the same. I thought this whole process to take only a few weeks. When it didn't I felt defeated. I felt like nothing I did would help and that there wasn't much I could do. I wasn't acknowledging all the little steps I had been making. In a way, I was working with an all or nothing mentality.
I wish I could say that I've over come the habit of being hard on myself, but I haven't. I have, though, tried harder to look at things in a perspective of realistic vs. unrealistic. A case would be that I knew going into my new job it would have been unrealistic to not have questions. I would ask questions. So if I had to ask 100 questions that was going to be fine. By knowing that going into my first day, I didn't walk away at the end of that day feeling dumb and unqualified.
I have also learned to be more forgiving of myself. I can't tell you what the shift for this has been, but I think a lot of it has come from my new perspective on religion and God. If you have ever read the Bible, gone to church, or just learned about any of the concepts of Christianity you know that God knows that as humans we aren't perfect. He knows that we are going to sin and make mistakes, but as long as we love Him and believe in Him, all our mistakes will be forgiven. So if He can forgive me when I take a few stumbles or have set backs, why can't I?
I challenge you to try, for just one day, to not be hard on yourself and give credit where you can. Wake up in the morning and write down everything you need or want to accomplish that day. Are they realistic? If not, change them so thy are. Then at the end of the night, look back on this. If there were things you messed up or didn't reach, that's okay. If you forgive yourself, then you allow yourself to try again the next day. The best way we can take steps forward is by kindness and understanding, and if you can give yourself those things there is nothing better.
Day 22- Words of Wisdom.... "There is no need to have to prove anything to anyone else." AND "Learn from life's low moments." AND "Say 'please' and 'thank you' liberally."
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Day 121- How Do You Take A Compliment?
One big thing I have had to learn is how to accept a compliment. I'm still not great at it, but I'm getting better. For a long time, if I was ever given a compliment I would hear it, but I would never truly take it in. I think a lot of people do this. When we don't accept a compliment we are actually doing a lot more harm to ourselves then we might realize.
In our society, we tend to be super critical and hard on ourselves. Part of this has to do with always comparing ourselves to the images and standards we see in the media. We never think we are good enough, pretty enough, successful enough, etc. So when we actually receive positive criticism, we think the person must either be wrong or lying; or even worse they could be telling us this because they see something that makes them feel sorry for us.
When we don't accept a compliment we are actually putting ourselves down. For me, this is what I did most often. The problem was that I wouldn't believe the compliment because I would compare myself to the person I thought I should and wanted to be. During this process I would hear from friends, family, and my therapist that I seemed to be handling things well and that I was making progress. I wasn't, however, handling it as well or making as much progress as I wanted or thought I should have. Since I believed this, I would tell myself I wasn't doing well or progressing fast enough. I simply wasn't giving myself enough credit, which in turn was putting myself down.
Another thing I was doing by not accepting the compliment was putting fourth the idea that the person giving me the compliment was a liar. Even though I wouldn't directly tell the person that, but by not telling them thank you or making it into a joke (which I would do by laughing and jokingly say things like "Shut up" or "Be quiet") I was risking the possibility of offending them. I was putting out the idea that I didn't take them seriously. Other things that not accepting a compliment can cause is pointing out your weakness instead, and diverting compliments to someone else who may be not as deserving.
So how do we learn to accept a compliment? One of the first ways is to simply say "Thank you," and nothing else. Don't add anything else into it, that way you won't have the chance to offend, divert, or point out weakness. Also, accept your achievements. Most people take responsibility when we mess something up, so start taking responsibility when something goes right. You also have to remember that a compliment is like a present. They didn't have to give it, but you probably did something to earn it. By not accepting this present, it is just plain rude.
Ultimately, by learning to accept a compliment you will be boosting your self-esteem and self-worth.
So, to anyone reading this, you are amazing!! Your ability to give continued support through this journey of mine has been a true sign to of what a caring, faithful, and devoted person you are. If everyone going through problems with anxiety and depression had someone like you in their life, there wouldn't be such an epidemic right now. You, friend, are truly making a difference in my life. Keep it up! And thank you.
Day 121- Words of Wisdom.... "Face the truth." AND "Take criticism and praise with equal grace."
In our society, we tend to be super critical and hard on ourselves. Part of this has to do with always comparing ourselves to the images and standards we see in the media. We never think we are good enough, pretty enough, successful enough, etc. So when we actually receive positive criticism, we think the person must either be wrong or lying; or even worse they could be telling us this because they see something that makes them feel sorry for us.
When we don't accept a compliment we are actually putting ourselves down. For me, this is what I did most often. The problem was that I wouldn't believe the compliment because I would compare myself to the person I thought I should and wanted to be. During this process I would hear from friends, family, and my therapist that I seemed to be handling things well and that I was making progress. I wasn't, however, handling it as well or making as much progress as I wanted or thought I should have. Since I believed this, I would tell myself I wasn't doing well or progressing fast enough. I simply wasn't giving myself enough credit, which in turn was putting myself down.
Another thing I was doing by not accepting the compliment was putting fourth the idea that the person giving me the compliment was a liar. Even though I wouldn't directly tell the person that, but by not telling them thank you or making it into a joke (which I would do by laughing and jokingly say things like "Shut up" or "Be quiet") I was risking the possibility of offending them. I was putting out the idea that I didn't take them seriously. Other things that not accepting a compliment can cause is pointing out your weakness instead, and diverting compliments to someone else who may be not as deserving.
So how do we learn to accept a compliment? One of the first ways is to simply say "Thank you," and nothing else. Don't add anything else into it, that way you won't have the chance to offend, divert, or point out weakness. Also, accept your achievements. Most people take responsibility when we mess something up, so start taking responsibility when something goes right. You also have to remember that a compliment is like a present. They didn't have to give it, but you probably did something to earn it. By not accepting this present, it is just plain rude.
Ultimately, by learning to accept a compliment you will be boosting your self-esteem and self-worth.
So, to anyone reading this, you are amazing!! Your ability to give continued support through this journey of mine has been a true sign to of what a caring, faithful, and devoted person you are. If everyone going through problems with anxiety and depression had someone like you in their life, there wouldn't be such an epidemic right now. You, friend, are truly making a difference in my life. Keep it up! And thank you.
Day 121- Words of Wisdom.... "Face the truth." AND "Take criticism and praise with equal grace."
Monday, July 29, 2013
Day 120- I'm a Big Girl Now!
Today I had my first shift at my new job, all by myself. I didn't have my trainer I had with me all last week. From my perspective, it went fairly well. I had a few people tell me that I was doing a really good job. They have all been very open to helping me when I do have questions, and they have all been giving me pointers. Nothing so far has made me go, "What did I get myself into?!" I know it will still take a few weeks to get into my own groove, but so far so good. Which is such a relief!!
The funny thing is, I know for a lot of people starting a new job in a completely new field could give a lot of stress and anxiety. This type of situation doesn't do that for me. Of course I was a little nervous the last week at times, which is normal for most people, but nothing like the anxiety I have developed in the past. For me, it is my own safety and health, as well as the safety and health of my loved ones, that triggers my anxiety. I think knowing this, the type of things and situations that can trigger my anxiety, that made me not stress about this job transition. Knowing that I could handle this because I have done so in the past, presented a calming effect in me.
That's one thing that is extremely important, identifying your triggers. That way you can begin to learn ways to cope, and you will realize all the things that you don't worry about. Once you can pinpoint this, it will make everything seem less overwhelming; as well as help to lessen the stress in other areas and not cause you to create a new anxiety.
Day 120- Words of Wisdom.... "A good book can change a person's life." AND "Your image of yourself is different in your mind than in the minds of others." AND "Catch a good sunset from time to time."
The funny thing is, I know for a lot of people starting a new job in a completely new field could give a lot of stress and anxiety. This type of situation doesn't do that for me. Of course I was a little nervous the last week at times, which is normal for most people, but nothing like the anxiety I have developed in the past. For me, it is my own safety and health, as well as the safety and health of my loved ones, that triggers my anxiety. I think knowing this, the type of things and situations that can trigger my anxiety, that made me not stress about this job transition. Knowing that I could handle this because I have done so in the past, presented a calming effect in me.
That's one thing that is extremely important, identifying your triggers. That way you can begin to learn ways to cope, and you will realize all the things that you don't worry about. Once you can pinpoint this, it will make everything seem less overwhelming; as well as help to lessen the stress in other areas and not cause you to create a new anxiety.
Day 120- Words of Wisdom.... "A good book can change a person's life." AND "Your image of yourself is different in your mind than in the minds of others." AND "Catch a good sunset from time to time."
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Day 119- A New Routine
Tomorrow starts my first day as a Monday thru Friday, 8-5, working person. Part of the reason I really wanted to make a change to this job is because I'm looking forward to this routine. In the last few years of this process, I've realized how much of a type A, creature of habit, borderline OCD, type of person I am. By having a schedule and staying organized I think I feel more balanced and less stressed. Waking up at the same time every morning and going to work in the morning; then coming home, having dinner, getting ready for the next day, and then going to bed around the same time each day is something that is necessary to help keep my sanity and feel good.... Let's see if it does.
Day 119- Words of Wisdom.... " It is up to you to make your life great." AND "See magic in the mundane." AND " Children gravitate to gentle souls."
Day 119- Words of Wisdom.... " It is up to you to make your life great." AND "See magic in the mundane." AND " Children gravitate to gentle souls."
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Day 118- No More Retail!!!
I am officially all done with retail!!!! I'm just getting home from my last shift. Now I know you should never say never, but I plan on NEVER going back. Don't get me wrong, some of the most fun I have had in my life has been while working at all the stores I worked at. All together I spent a total of 9 years in retail and worked at 5 different stores. I have met friends I will have for the rest of my life, learned a lot of both professionally and personally, and grown up overall.
Out of the 5 stores, Tilly's and Pacsun were the absolute best. I have so many memories from both stores while at work and outside of work. I use to say I never needed to go away to college, I worked at Tilly's. This is where I met friends for life, went to a lot of parties, and learned a lot about life and myself. And as much as I hated retail, I loved going to work when I worked at Pacsun. I basically got paid to go hangout with my best friends there. If the specific store I had worked at hadn't closed down, I probably would still work there.
As happy as I am to move on, I am a little nervous. When you have been in the same job field for so long and been good at it, it's scary to try something new that you've have very little experience in. I'm ready for the change though. As much as I loved working in an environment that let me meet new people every day and with one of my favorite things, clothes, it was necessary. I was tired of working nights, weekends, and holidays. I was tired of being on such a different schedule than my family and friends. But mostly I was tired of not being paid what I thought I deserved, or appreciated like I should have been.
It's going to be scary for awhile, but I'm ready!
Day 118- Words of Wisdom.... "A change of scenery makes for good health." AND "Welcome change." AND "Those who look up see the stars."
Out of the 5 stores, Tilly's and Pacsun were the absolute best. I have so many memories from both stores while at work and outside of work. I use to say I never needed to go away to college, I worked at Tilly's. This is where I met friends for life, went to a lot of parties, and learned a lot about life and myself. And as much as I hated retail, I loved going to work when I worked at Pacsun. I basically got paid to go hangout with my best friends there. If the specific store I had worked at hadn't closed down, I probably would still work there.
As happy as I am to move on, I am a little nervous. When you have been in the same job field for so long and been good at it, it's scary to try something new that you've have very little experience in. I'm ready for the change though. As much as I loved working in an environment that let me meet new people every day and with one of my favorite things, clothes, it was necessary. I was tired of working nights, weekends, and holidays. I was tired of being on such a different schedule than my family and friends. But mostly I was tired of not being paid what I thought I deserved, or appreciated like I should have been.
It's going to be scary for awhile, but I'm ready!
Day 118- Words of Wisdom.... "A change of scenery makes for good health." AND "Welcome change." AND "Those who look up see the stars."
Friday, July 26, 2013
Day 117- I Survived!
My week of working 2 jobs and a bunch of hours each day has finally come to a close. Tomorrow will be my last retail shift, and then come Monday morning I will officially be a big girl!!
Now, to go catch up on some much needed rest!!
Day 117- Words of Wisdom.... "Assume that everything that happens to you does so for some good." AND "With no winter the spring would not be so pleasant." AND "Miracles do happen." AND "Life goes in cycles between happiness and sadness."
Now, to go catch up on some much needed rest!!
Day 117- Words of Wisdom.... "Assume that everything that happens to you does so for some good." AND "With no winter the spring would not be so pleasant." AND "Miracles do happen." AND "Life goes in cycles between happiness and sadness."
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Day 116- All By Myself
Tonight is the first night in almost two years that I will spend it away from my parents. Every since I got sick and put into the hospital, one of my biggest issues I've had to deal with is being by myself. My parents have been my safety blanket and security for these past years while I've been dealing with my issues. I think a main reason why I have a hard being alone is because on the first day that I started having symptoms for my bowel obstruction, I was by myself. My entire family was at work. I remember sitting there in the worst pain of my life, dry heaving every few seconds, and there was no one there to help.
If I'm being honest though, my issues with being alone started much earlier than this. All my life my mom has been my security blanket and I feel safe knowing she is there. In my entire 28 years of life, I have truly ever spent one night completely by myself (Note: This night was before Tyson, so I really was all alone). I think that night I maybe slept for an hour or so. Now I don't have a problem with being home alone during the day. Since I grew up with siblings and a stay at home mom I will probably always prefer having someone home with me, but daytime I can manage. It is being alone at night that I have a hard time with.
I think a lot of it has to do with watching scary slasher movies at a young age. When I was in junior high/high school movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer were huge. I probably saw them each 100 times. In all those movies it is the nice, sweet, small, white girls who are alone at night that are always being attacked. I guess the idea of bad things happening when people are alone at night has been embedded in my brain. Now I don't think that if I'm alone at night some psycho killer is certainly going to get me. I do worry though that if something major happens, like I get sick, a fire breaks out, or someone tries to break in, I won't have anyone to help me.
I think the best way to get comfortable with being alone is the same way I got over being alone at all when I first got sick. After I came out of the hospital, I couldn't be alone at all. I wouldn't even go to the bathroom without someone waiting outside the door for me. I was paranoid that if I was alone, something would absolutely happen. I wouldn't even sleep alone. I set up a mattress on my parents floor and Tyson and I slept there for awhile. Slowly though, I started to test things because I knew that behavior was not normal for me and I had to get back to my normal. I would be alone for 30 minutes, then an hour, then I slept back in my room, etc. The more I pushed it a little and nothing "bad" happened, I would slowly get reassured it was okay to be alone again. I eventually got more comfortable with it and set up goals for myself like spend an entire day alone, drive by myself to meet friends for dinner, and close my door at night when I go to bed.
These were all steps to gaining some of my independence back. Now, I have to work on it for nighttime. This is definitely something I'm going to have to work on if I plan on moving out before I'm married or if I don't have other friends who can move in with me. Tonight is the first step. My parents have gone to the beach about an hour and a half away. They are just spending the night and will return home tomorrow. Both Tyson and my brother will be home to sleep tonight, so I won't be alone, but my security blanks of my parents will not be here. It's the first steps in this new goal of spending a night alone.
Day 116- Words of Wisdom.... "Learn how to stand on your own." AND "Think a hopeful thought every day." AND "Set aside time each day to be with yourself."
If I'm being honest though, my issues with being alone started much earlier than this. All my life my mom has been my security blanket and I feel safe knowing she is there. In my entire 28 years of life, I have truly ever spent one night completely by myself (Note: This night was before Tyson, so I really was all alone). I think that night I maybe slept for an hour or so. Now I don't have a problem with being home alone during the day. Since I grew up with siblings and a stay at home mom I will probably always prefer having someone home with me, but daytime I can manage. It is being alone at night that I have a hard time with.
I think a lot of it has to do with watching scary slasher movies at a young age. When I was in junior high/high school movies like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer were huge. I probably saw them each 100 times. In all those movies it is the nice, sweet, small, white girls who are alone at night that are always being attacked. I guess the idea of bad things happening when people are alone at night has been embedded in my brain. Now I don't think that if I'm alone at night some psycho killer is certainly going to get me. I do worry though that if something major happens, like I get sick, a fire breaks out, or someone tries to break in, I won't have anyone to help me.
I think the best way to get comfortable with being alone is the same way I got over being alone at all when I first got sick. After I came out of the hospital, I couldn't be alone at all. I wouldn't even go to the bathroom without someone waiting outside the door for me. I was paranoid that if I was alone, something would absolutely happen. I wouldn't even sleep alone. I set up a mattress on my parents floor and Tyson and I slept there for awhile. Slowly though, I started to test things because I knew that behavior was not normal for me and I had to get back to my normal. I would be alone for 30 minutes, then an hour, then I slept back in my room, etc. The more I pushed it a little and nothing "bad" happened, I would slowly get reassured it was okay to be alone again. I eventually got more comfortable with it and set up goals for myself like spend an entire day alone, drive by myself to meet friends for dinner, and close my door at night when I go to bed.
These were all steps to gaining some of my independence back. Now, I have to work on it for nighttime. This is definitely something I'm going to have to work on if I plan on moving out before I'm married or if I don't have other friends who can move in with me. Tonight is the first step. My parents have gone to the beach about an hour and a half away. They are just spending the night and will return home tomorrow. Both Tyson and my brother will be home to sleep tonight, so I won't be alone, but my security blanks of my parents will not be here. It's the first steps in this new goal of spending a night alone.
Day 116- Words of Wisdom.... "Learn how to stand on your own." AND "Think a hopeful thought every day." AND "Set aside time each day to be with yourself."
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